Friend or not?

[MrsLeclerc]

NC for this, apologies for the long post.

I’ve been friends/colleagues with Kelly (not her real name) for 10 years. She’s generally quite negative and has a skill for seeing the bad in any situation. Yet she can be kind and funny.

I was engaged before we met and owned a small house. When we sold it I had lots of comments about it ‘only’ being a 2 bed, she’d be scared to live in the area etc. (It’s a poor suburb but our little cul de sac is lovely). Within 6 month she purchased her first home and completely renovated it but had no end of complaints about the workmen/neighbours. I went around along with some other friends to help her strip wallpaper and clear out rooms. She spent months complaining about the quality of our work (blamed one of the other friends but if she was critiquing one, I bet we all got a go!).

When I got married I was the first person in the office in years to do so and everyone made a real fuss. Think decorated desk, gift bag and presents from our list that someone had got a hold of. It was very thoughtful and I know I work with lovely people. When she got married 6 years later there’d been a spate of weddings/babies/retirements and although she had the decorated desk and vouchers she was put out that it wasn’t as big a to do as mine had been.

She came to my wedding and anytime anyone mentioned it she’d complain about the food (she didn’t like the meat we’d chosen) and the photographer who she’d taken a dislike to at a friends wedding. I went to her wedding and although there were things I disliked or not to my taste I never said a word and told her it was lovely. Someone was taken ill at her wedding and she was quite annoyed about it to the point it’s all she talks about when weddings come up in conversation.

I was pregnant last year and she was very somber when I told her. I knew she hadn’t been well so I offered to bring her things but she said she was fine. She was very secretive about what was wrong but it wasn’t my place and she obviously didn’t want to discuss it. The day I was leaving early to have a scan and find out the gender she asked to speak to me in the canteen. It turns out she’d had a miscarriage. I told her how sorry I was and asked after her health, her DH and just generally how she was getting on. We had a chat and all seemed ok.

Over the next few days and weeks colleagues started approaching me saying things like “was the baby planned?”, “I thought you didn’t want kids”. I was sensing a theme so confronted one of them and it turned out Kelly was telling people that I hadn’t told her I was trying (is that even a thing?!) and that I never wanted children (not true at all). I was a bit stunned to be honest but chalked it up to her being upset over the miscarriage and let it lie.

I made a point not to discuss pregnancy or baby related topics at my desk where she could hear. However lots of people would come to me asking about it all. I would try to wrap up the chats quickly or lead them away but it wasn’t always possible. In my last few weeks in work she barely spoke to me. I then heard that she’d asked my manager to tell me to stop talking about my pregnancy. I honestly only ever responded when others brought it up so I don’t know what else I could do. Luckily my manager never mentioned it to me.

She sent me a few messages when I was on mat leave but as my days were baby related I didn’t have a lot else to say. She’d push the conversation in that direction then she’d stop responding when DC was mentioned. I last spoke to her about 4 months ago.

I’m returning to work next month and have no idea A) what she’s said about me behind my back while I’ve been away or B) if she’s going to try to pick up a friendship now we’ll be in a work environment.

I have no idea if she’s just a friend going through a tough time and I need to cut her some slack or if she’s never been a very good friend and I’m better off out of it.

She doesn’t sound much of a friend! She sounds very jealous tbh and I’d stay well clear and find kinder souls.

Why on earth would you want to reconnect with someone so toxic. Steer clear of her if you have any sense of self preservation

I think that the lies being spread behind your back to discredit you is pretty unforgivable personally.

No matter how difficult her life is, it isnt your fault. Unfortunately I believe that she sees you as some form of competition. This is who she is.

Very tiresome.

Be pleasant but also keep your distance. She isnt your friend.

She sounds insecure and jealous.

I’d be pleasant to her but I’d try to avoid spending any time with her.

She’s not your friend.

Thanks you so much. At the time mutual friends were expecting me to excuse her behaviour so I wondered if I was being oblivious to something.

I thought we’d always got on well. Looking back at what I’ve written I feel like I’ve got on with her but been blind to the fact she’s been quite negative about me and my life.

@chickenyhead you’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s the lies that have opened my eyes. Even if I my pregnancy was unplanned, how awful to tell people and for them to try to throw it in my face. I’ll definitely be giving them a wide berth too.

I think I’ll just be polite when we see each other but I won’t be engaging with her outside of work. Is it weird that I feel relieved?

She sounds like a narcissist. I've dated and worked with a few of these. Look up grey rock technique, make yourself utterly boring to her and eventually she will lose interest and stop trying to talk to you. Don't ever disclose anything personal to her and keep all conversations about work or small pleasantries.

What she is doing is called a smear campaign. She wants others to think badly of you and fondly of her (yes she very jealous) and I wouldn't be surprised if she had said things about you whilst away. It will be awkward for a while when you first go back (it's always abit awkward after mat leave) but stand your ground and let her know when she has crossed your boundaries. These people don't understand the concept of boundaries and will constantly test you to see what you are willing to accept.

Congratulations on your baby btw. It sounds like you also have some lovely colleagues so just try to focus on the good ones and distance yourself from her. People will know she's untrustworthy and full of shit so try not to pay any attention to the rumours unless they cross the line into something you can raise with your manager/HR. Document everything now incase it turns sour (narcs hate to 'lose' so she may escalate her behaviour if you ignore her).

Oh and the ones who asked you if baby was planned were completely out or order. It's none of their business and I would tell them so. How rude!!

@MrsLeclerc

I too would feel relieved.

In thinking that she was a friend who had struggled, you are going to feel compassion and want to give her the benefit of doubt.

But once you see that there is no excuse for the lying and humiliating you , it is easier to see her as she truly is, bitter, and put up appropriate boundaries.

She has no place in your new life post DC beyond that of a casual acquaintance. You deserve good friends, not meany pant vile ones.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and if anyone else starts, well they are bullies too. Just blank them, they soon get bored if it isn't getting to you.

It will be good to go back and have some adult company (her aside)

X

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thanks for the advice. I definitely need to work on not disclosing personal info, I’m one of those people who answers every question asked even if it’s a bit off. I read another thread recently about people pleasers and have bought myself a book to try to curb this.

@chickenyhead yes I think I kept giving her leeway because she was obviously unhappy. But a true friend wouldn’t try to lessen my happiness to make themselves feel better. I’m so glad I’ve had the mat leave to distance myself from the situation. It’s really opened my eyes to a few things.

I’ll definitely be going back with a different attitude and better boundaries.

Thank you all so much.

This is horrible op but on the plus side you have now seen her go too far so you don't have to feel guilty about cutting her off.

She sounds like an absolute drain. Imagine moaning that you received a bigger fuss at work six years earlier!

She's clearly jealous. That's as obvious as hell. She also sounds bitter, not a good combination.

If you catch her out telling lies, which she will probably do when she realises you are not keen on reinstating the friendship, be brave and call her out on it.