Debating if I should stay in contact with alcoholic mother.

[Tartangold]

I don’t want to drip feed, but there is a long back story to my DM’s issues with alcohol and general mental health issues.

She did not get help for them when I was younger, and I was frequently exposed to really inappropriate and scary behaviour from her.

She’s an alcoholic and bulimic, and from when I was very young upwards (3/4) I have memories of her drinking so much that she passed out, having to call 999, hearing her making herself sick into the toilet while I was crying outside the door.. more examples than I could ever list, my post would turn into a book. She also told me graphic details of her sex life, forced me to listen to/hear really inappropriate stuff while she was drunk, and then once she sobered up she’d snap back to demanding respect.

The worst part of all of this is that she was SO horrible to me emotionally too. She denies this. If I ever tried to speak about the trauma I’d experienced, she would make me out to be a problem child - make up stories to my DF, her friends, about my ‘behavioural problems’, painted me as a malicious liar, when really I was just resentful at everything she had exposed me to, and I wasn’t allowed to express this. She was really aggressive about that, and had the opinion that while I was under her roof I must show her the upmost respect at all times

I left home and had a baby, she still hasn’t got help for any of her issues and she has been drunk at family events we have both attended where my DC were exposed to that toxic side of her. I made a comment at one meal out that I was going to leave early - she totally flew off the handle and followed me and DC out of the restaurant with the people I left with, and was really physically aggressive - shoved her middle finger in my face - and she had to be physically restrained by my DF. There have been loads and loads more incidents like this (not aggression towards me, but generally really weird, scary behaviour).

I have tried to discuss the childhood issues within the last year, she seems remorseful but then goes on to say ‘but we had some great fun too, went to xyz on holiday’ etc.. so I’ve given up getting through to her or us ever having a normal mother/daughter relationship. And like the restaurant issue I mentioned above (which happened after I’d tried to speak to her) she’s had several more binge drinking episodes where she acts really irrationally and I find it triggering because of all the shit she put me through when I was younger.

She hasn’t made any progress or improved at all, except making more and more empty promises, which she cannot stick to. I find contact with her to be really depressing and draining - she still has the same attitude of demanding respect from me and can be really aggressive and passive aggressive if I don’t show her this respect. She’s so sensitive to any perceived criticism (even if it doesn’t exist) and is constantly on the attack. It’s exhausting - DC enjoy her company as she’s fun and high energy when sober, but I feel like it’s reached a point where I need to protect DC from her.

I suppose I just want some views on wether it’s justified that I give up trying with our relationship and go no (or very low) contact.

Just as a disclaimer - I do understand that her mental health issues might not be her fault, I generally try and be understanding of other people’s mental health issues - but the behaviour has just been to damaging.

Protect both yourself and your children from your mother. You do not have a relationship with her, her primary relationship is with drink. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. If she is too toxic/drunk/disordered for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children too.

Where is your dad here, is he still around?

Thanks for the reply @AttilaTheMeerkat, 8 agree. my dad is still with her, it’s not a particularly happy relationship but he’s previously cited financial reasons (mortgage etc) for why they haven’t split.

Oh God. This is a no-brainer. You can't possibly have this woman in your life - or your childrens' lives.

Go LC but you must accept she will very likely never change and you'll have to manage consistent triggering behaviour.

You can't change her but you can get excellent support for you: do go to Al-anon. You'll get everything you need there.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful childhood

OP I am NC with a narc mother, I saw her damaging behaviour creeping into events where my grandchildren were present and made the decision to cut off all contact, my daughter understands and supports my decision, I will not have her affecting another generation the way she did me, I have no regrets and think when there are little ones involved it’s our duty to ensure they don’t experience the madness

This woman is completely off the chart you must cut her out of your life, she is toxic
I'm not saying she doesn't deserve compassion or help she's clearly very damaged and could benefit from some treatment (if she could be persuaded to have any)
HOWEVER you must not be the one to help her, you should stand well back and out of harms way, you must not let her do you any more damage and it is not safe to have her near you.

And it is total madness isn't it ...they just completely make it up as they go along 🤦‍♀️

I feel like it’s reached a point where I need to protect DC from her.

Protect them from the things she didn't protect you from and stop contact.

You didn't cause this.
You cannot cure this.
You cannot control this.

Yes, it's time for you to 'call time'. Protect yourself and your DC. Your mother will have to want to stop and seek help on her own. Until she does, there is nothing anyone can do.

What are you getting from the relationship?

I have a toxic sibling and although there’s no alcohol abuse I’m strongly considering some mental health (personality) issues at play.

You need to cut her off. Not for you but for your child.

I realised this when I became pregnant. That I didn’t want someone around me or my child that would yell and rant and scream and I didn’t want my child to have a victim for a mother who couldn’t establish boundaries.

I don’t ever want my sibling to behave in front of my child the way she behaves in front of her own children or in front of me. That was the thing that made it easier. Wanting something better for my children and to break the cycle of abuse.

It sounds like you’ve endured a miserable childhood, it doesn’t sound as though your DF did anything to shield you from it either?

I think you know what you want to do. I’m so sorry, alcoholism is vile.

God! You wouldn’t throw your kids into a snake pit, so don’t subject them to her! She’s probably much more poisonous, tbh....

Whïlst I agree that you should probably stop contact with her, I also think you should try to access some counselling for yourself. You have stated that your dm is an alcoholic and bulimic, both illnesses that are almost uncontrollable. I'm guessing that most if not all of her behaviours over the years are as a result of these illnesses. Perhaps your DF is still with her because he still loves her, and remembers her as the woman he married in sickness and in health? If your dm had got dementia or a brain injury which could result in a total change of personality leading to the behaviours you have been subjected to, do you think you'd feel the same way about her?
Those of us who don't have an addiction find it very hard to understand why an addict, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling etc cannot just stop. We take it very personally if it's our partner, child, parent. The same goes for eating disorders. We can't understand why they just don't stop. But we wouldn't think like that if they had dementia and exhibited the same behaviours. We'd know that it was an illness that the person could not help.
Counselling should help you come to terms with the damage your dms illness has caused you. Feeling such resentment about her not being the mother she should have been will continue to eat away at you. You need to find some closure in this relationship. That may well be through finding a way to mourn for the mum you have lost. AA also has support for families of alcoholics, so give them a call too.
I wish you well.

Great post 60

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to reply, I’ve read through them all and found it massively helpful.

@Soontobe60 thank you for this. It’s very true that I can’t understand why she could not control herself or protect me from everything. It’s worse as she has gone through periods of several months being sober then slipped back into old patterns and it’s really disheartening.

I will look into counselling for myself too.