Don't want to cohabit

[piegirl74]

I've been with DP 5 years. We met very soon after my marriage breakdown so took things slowly (as far as the kids were concerned). He has three and I have three!

Saw a couple of red flags a few months in and decided to buy a house and develop it rather than co-habit. 3 years on and i love my home. It's not quite done as I ran out of money. And I want to finish it. DP has his own home too and wants us both to sell up and buy together.

Our kids (because we have taken it slow) really love each other and want it too. So it's me pushing back. I think I'm using the work as a bit of an excuse if I'm honest. I love this man but he's a grumpy twat sometimes and I don't need another teenager in the house.

His house is smaller and he was going to develop but found out it's going to be so expensive he won't get his money back for 5 years. He said he won't want to sell once his house is done!!! I was like... I know!! Right??? He's had his house for 8 years.

He doesn't want to move in with me.
He doesn't stay during the week hardly ever. I'm scared to give up my lovely new safe home, with my fabulous neighbours and where I'm happy.

Right now we are arguing loads as he resents me. He resents me for not wanting to sell so he's being difficult and stroppy and frankly it's just solidifying my position. Right now we are on a break.

But in weak moments I miss him. He wants to progress with the relationship essentially and I'm stalling. Am I being unfair? We have reached a huge impasse😩😩😩. Mostly I feel like he doesn't support me. If he said 'ok babe, I'll help you finish off your house' (he's really handy apparently - just not much for me!). Then we can take a view in a year or so. But no. Im getting a hard time.

He doesn't want to come out with me and be my partner atm because 'why should he?' In essence I honestly think he's trying to manipulate me into coming around. I'm thinking i want an easier relationship. But it's hard to end things with someone you still love in the HOPE that there maybe someone else out there!!!

I'm dreading telling the kids. 😩😩😩

You sound like you really have your head screwed on. Don't bend for him. If he really want sit to happen he would make it. He wants it to happen on his terms.

It sounds like you're making the right decision not to sell your house. Focus on all the good things in your life, maybe another man will come along, maybe not but you'll still have your lovely home and you're happy.

Rent both your houses out then rent one together.
If you're this reluctant to sell it, it's not a good idea.

@heartyrebel I thought about that. I would consider that but need to still finish stuff and it'll take me a year to save to finish the work.

He's not keen on this idea!

It’s great that the children get on, but there is a huge difference when living together.

Could he start staying at yours/you at his during the week as a slow step towards a move to see if it is something that works for everyone

Why would you want to sell? No way! You’ve worked too hard to get there! There’s no benefit for you and no disadvantage for him!

@SimonJT he stays with his kids but his Oldest is getting too old to sleep on the floor. My eldest will be off to uni soon though.

The irony is we've done this for 5 years and it's about to get easier with the kids all getting older.

He doesn't want to stay more. Mondays we both like to regroup and Tuesdays he sees his mate and plays x box. Weds he has his kids and Thursday I stay at his. I thought he would stay more one the house was done.

Run for the hills would be my advice. He wants you to buy a new family home, and he would benefit from the investment long term if you are both on the freehold/lease. If he was a good partner to you then he would have helped you with the DIY, and without an ulterior motive of getting the property sold. Actions are always louder than words with human beings I find.

He throws a sulk when you are not jumping for joy at his proposal. You have to think of the future security of you and your children. He is not suggesting a deal that works for you. You don't know if you could live with him if he is not at your home a great deal, and you already label him as a grump so it is not a great sign of your future domestic bliss if you get shacked up. With kids and joint ownership, a separation could get tricky if you have to fight over the new home too.

Do not get carried away by what the children want (it doesn't sound like you will) as this a serious move to be made with the head, not the heart. His behaviour when you are not doing what you are 'told' is a huge red flag. If you move in together, what will he sulk about next time?

He doesn't want to move in with me....He doesn't stay during the week hardly ever
So if he isn't interested in slowly blending families why is he so keen to buy a house with you?
Why does he think it's acceptable to go from never staying over at yours/having his dc over to suddenly buying a house together for you all to live in together?

His house is smaller and he was going to develop but found out it's going to be so expensive he won't get his money back for 5 years
Ahhhh yes, of course - he doesn't want to spend his own money adapting his home so it meets the needs of HIS 3 DC.
Would this be a 7 bedroom house he's thinking of buying?
Or is he expecting your dc to share their bedrooms with his?
Does he have suggestions as to how you each will protect your share for your respective dc?

I think he sees you as an easy way to get a bigger house that suits him and his dc and doesn't cost him half as much as it would otherwise.
Plus it gives him a leg up the property ladder and he will benefit financially in the longterm.

I wouldn't buy with him.
You need to ensure that your money/property/assets are all ringfenced and protected so if anything happens to you, then your dc are taken care of and provided for.

he stays with his kids but his Oldest is getting too old to sleep on the floor
So what's he been doing about this situation for the past 5 years then?
Waiting for you to fall so madly in love with him that you'll take on all his financial responsibilities?

@SavingSpaces2019
Would absolutely ring fence. I agree with you. I think what you're saying is true😩.

I'm not going to give in. I think he's suggested this 4 month break (after we fought about him being an arse in holiday) to try and make me change my mind.

We ha we argued loads since "planning gate". I think we are reaching the end. It's just sad that's all. But I don't want to be with someone who's not my champion. Who puts me down to make them feel better.

I'm in a similar situation wrt to the relationship and not cohabiting. The difference is it's completely mutual on both our parts. I think, given you both want different things that it isn't going to work. I too have my own house that I gutted 2 years ago, the dc and I are so happy I would've give up our happy home for the world.

You know those red flags you saw? There's loads more here.

I hope you make the break a permanent one.

You bring much more to the equation. I sense he's some variety of cockledger and he's punishing you to attempt to bring you back into line and fulfil his real investment - in you.

This man will be a profound drag on your energy and his family will make your own children worse off. I have no idea what you would miss about him. I'm exhausted by him already, and I've known him only the length of your OP. He's not what you want him to be, he's what he is now - a rubbish, petulant, prat. Bin. 🗑

Seriously if DH and I split I'm not sure I want to live with anyone else ever again!!!

His flags seem to be getting bigger...

What his so wrong with not sharing a house full time??? His housing problem will remain with or without you in the picture!

You say he is a grump. For that reason alone I would not be inflicting him on my children and household.

If you can put up with him being a grump, wait until your children have left home before you move in with him.

Your instincts are actually screaming at you here... and you may be going into 'rescue' mode (going along with HIS plans) in order to salvage a once good relationship... but so much about what you've said/his attitude/his total reluctance to help you in any way bodes terribly for future harmony.

Of course the kids want it as they all get along/see it as more of the same - please don't be swayed by that when the reality of him/you at potential loggerheads would be VERY different and you'd be carrying all the strain... And also, you're HAPPY with your house/life/neighbours... WHY WHY WHY risk losing that?? If it aint broke and all that.... and your kids are happy anyway... he sounds lazy/unnappreciative & entitled... AND you're not exactly 'feeling the love' either with him or from him... Moving in together (on his terms or not) sounds like when couples decide to have a baby to 'fix' or cement things... when the reality is that the relationship may simply be on the wane and it could be a very disruptive/expensive exercise for you

I can't see any reason for your relationship to go any further. You're making excuses not to live with him and he's a grumpy twat who doesn't support you.

He is bullying you to sell your house because he didn’t want to renovate his own house (even though he is handy) so that it is suitable for his 3 children - one of whom sleeps in the lounge area...

Oh, and he’s lived there for 8 years...

The guy is a massive asshole who still has x box nights with his buddies.

The only reason this relationship has lasted this long is because you’ve not been living together.

You would be mad to sell your house.

I am getting red flags as well to be honest. Why is he so keen for you to sell if he doesn't want to live with you? Sorry if I have misunderstood the question but you are free to do what you want and if you don't want to live with a moody teenager then you have two choices - continue as you are (nothing wrong with living apart if you are happy) or break it off now. If there is ANY way of sitting down and discussing a middle ground however, I strongly recommend doing that. If you can't work out these problems as a team then your relationship isn't going far anyway.

Please stop ignoring all these red flags flying in your face OP!!!

• he's a grumpy twat sometimes and I don't need another teenager in the house
• He resents me for not wanting to sell
• he's being difficult and stroppy
• I feel like he doesn't support me
• Im getting a hard time.
• He doesn't want to come out with me and be my partner atm because 'why should he?
• he's trying to manipulate me into coming around
• i want an easier relationship
• He's not keen on this idea!
• I think he's suggested this 4 month break (after we fought about him being an arse in holiday) to try and make me change my mind.
• I don't want to be with someone who's not my champion. Who puts me down to make them feel better.

YOU wrote all of the above OP.
If you can't see that this isn't right then you need to do some work on yourself.
He sounds like a complete knob!!!!
RUN - far and fast - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yep you read that list and think "relationship over"!

DONT DO IT.

Good on you, OP. You saw a few red flags TWO MONTHS IN so decided to protect yourself.

Nothing’s changed. Except he is now throwing a strop cos you won’t his children. Even though he can’t be arsed to give up games night for you.

Those red flags are still waving. In fact they are multiplying. You know what to do...

house his children