Is this controlling?

[Herja]

Every relationship I have ever had has been controlling. Following the death of my boyfriend last year, I have been tentatively starting a new relationship with someone I had become friends with last autumn.

He knows my history, has clearly seen that I am apparently drawn to controlling men and now keeps banging on about how I have a type; that I will leave him for someone who's controlling; that he will kill them, but that that won't change anything, because I will still have cheated on him...

This conversation seems to happen at least once or more a week.

I'm now thinking that this is controlling behaviour in its own right, or at least the start of it? It's only now, after 13 years of consecutive controlling relationships, that I have recognised them for what they were. I am not fucking doing it again.

So, is this controlling too? Or just someone with depression worrying? Normal? I don't think I can recognise normal anymore.

That is not normal.

Get away from him before you get any more entwined.

And then do the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Definitely a red flag. Well done for recognising it, you deserve better

It's not just abnormal, it's incredibly disturbing.

Stop dating and get therapy.

Do the Freedom Programme.

FGS, dump this weirdo.

Please leave him

That does sound controlling and well done recognising it early on. I'm two and a half years out of an 8 year DV relationship and I still don't want to date! I've given up!

He sounds incredibly insecure and disturbed. Run away!!! Fast!

Run OP! Get yourself away from this guy!
He's unhinged. This is not normal in any way, shape or form.

Oh dear.

He's otherwise so nice compared to others. Thoughtful and caring, but not over the top and lovebomby.

Still, I noticed it this time. Which is fantastic progress. I'd never noticed it before, nothing at all. I only realised this year quite how awful every relationship I've had since 16 (only 3, but still) has been. It's only now that I have seen them as controlling, despite them being pretty classically so.

Poor you sweetie because what your last dp said is just too too much!
You need to be able to love someone at their worse but that doesn't mean every week or such a conversation which sounds like he creates a reason to say this.
Whatever is in his mind is his issues to over come not yours.

This is both controlling and unhinged - please leave him.

The last one (3) explained graphically how he'd kill me, didn't stop me doing anything, but definitely manipulated me in to only doing what he wanted.

One before that (2) was just obviously and typically controlling.

Before that (1) encouraged self harm and utter dependency on him.

1 and 3 were lovely in their own way, I'd still be with 3 if he'd not died I expect. 2 was just an outright cunt with a good public face.

At least I know I'm just shit at reading people now and to ask a sensible adult!

Leave. And do the freedom programme

Well done for spotting this one

Wishing you luck in moving on

Does anyone know what the freedom program is like? Is it like therapy? I don't repond well to therapy , it makes me grumpy and combative. Also more likely to do whatever the therapy is trying to avoid... Even the gp and mental helth team have conceeded that I am perhaps rather unsuited to it.

Run, run like the wind!
In future maybe try not to mention having been in these sorts of relationships early on? As it can actually draw them to you more if they think you've been a victim. I wouldn't mention it at all until youve been official with someone for a good few months, if possible. I mentioned something in passing (no details just that I seemed to attract the odd nasty sort) on something like a third date once and noticed the guy suddenly seemed extra into me. Then the red flags started to show and I refused another date and cut contact and he wouldn't stop trying to get back in touch for like 6 months in various ways. eep lol.

I think you can do the freedom program yourself online though? Then its not like preaching it's just learning yourself...

I wouldn’t say so much controlling as absolutely ABUSIVE.

When he says that he is reminding you of all the abuse you have received over the years, thus perpetuating the abuse.

You’ve found yourself in another abusive relationship.

It’s not your fault.

I’ve been there. All you have to do is walk away 💕

Could you do some work yourself rather than therapy if it doesn't work for you. I'd recommend a read of lundy bancroft"s 'why does he do that' for more insight into abusive behaviour and men. I think you've made a really positive step in acknowledging abusive behaviour when you see it. Now you need to move on from this relationship and build yourself up.

I don't think the freedom programme is like therapy, so it's worth a try, surely?

I think any bloke who starts talking about killing you, himself or others is worth a quick swerve.

It doesn’t sound right OP

It is. It's sounds like he's getting really wound up over a hypothetical situation.

Not a positive environment for you.

The Freedom programme is AMAZING!! It's informative, educational and you will learn so much. Please consider it xx

I don’t think it’s controlling I think it’s downright psychotic.

The fact that you have posted here tells me you full well know this flag flag is too rouge to ignore. Get out and get yourself enrolled on the freedom programme as others have suggested. Try not to feel bad for not spotting it earlier or having a type either, a lot of these men have masks and are very good at hiding it! Good luck OP

*red flag