Reading texts re. divorce

[MG08]

I have copies of texts from my ex's phone which show lying and unreasonable behaviour. They also show evidence of my ex MIL trying to make the situation worse and telling him what to say to ensure he gets the children, the house and my money even though he told her it was mutual. He is unaware I have read these messages. Where do I stand in terms of showing them to a solicitor for evidence, am I better off not disclosing that I checked his phone?

What's the perpus of showing a solicitor? What do you hope to gain from showing them?

You do know anything you say to a solicitor is privileged? And since they're actually qualified to advise, you should probably just ask them.

Sorry I've never been through divorce before so I'm not sure how it all works. So if I show a solicitor they won't share it with anyone? I'm very naive with regards to these things! Just thinking about if things go to court and my ex's family try and fight for custody and the house etc, can what they've said in texts be mentioned as evidence in my favour?

There are three parts to a divorce. Child arrangements, finances and finally divorce.
People sometimes go to court for child arrangements orders (but hopefully you can work it out yourself). Also mediation normally comes first and court as the last resort.
People only tend to go to court regarding the finances occasionally and as the very last resort as its expensive and unless you have a lot of asserts it's just not financially worth it. Divorce should be last and that's the formality of dissolving a marriage.
Your not nieve. X

I wouldn't have thought the text could be used in that way obviously a solicitor would need to advise on that . But they do forewarn you to make sure you have some contingency money and are prepared for what lies ahead so they are relevant in that way .

Thank you for the advice. Ideally I wouldn't go to court but my ex MIL has said about making sure he says its me that has ended the marriage so that our assets and child arrangements don't work in my favour. But I have a copy of a text where he tells her he's said we're over.

But we can agree the housing and child arrangements between just me and my ex can't we?

Yes you can agree it. There is no blame attached to the person or reason the marriage ended and it won’t make any difference to the outcome. Decisions about house, money and children will be based on needs and the interests of the children will be paramount.

Thank you very much.

Is your MIL a solicitor? No. Therefore, ignore. Her opinion and what she says makes no difference to anything. What makes a difference is the law. Try and retain some common sense and disregard some random woman’s opinion. Go see your own solicitor.

The settlement is unrelated to the reasons the marriage ended except in totally exceptional circumstances (if violence on his part left you disabled and unable to work for example you may get more money). What will be looked for is that the settlement provides for the needs of the children and after that that there is a “fair” divide. It is expected that both parties will need to compromise and that neither is left destitute.

See a solicitor, be open. Anything you can agree with minimal intervention from solicitors and the court will be FAR cheaper.

Generally who divorces who makes absolutely no difference to the childcare / financial / divorce outcomes.
A court will focus on what is best for the children first and foremost.
If there are signs of DA / violence / neglect etc then this will all be listened to. But again, who petitioned the divorce is not really a factor IME.

My advice to anyone going through a divorce is as follows:

1. genuinely put the children's needs first - and unless there are safeguarding issues children what to regularly see both parents. Have a schedule and stick to it, don't make things harder for the kids with chaos, they adapt quicker with a known structure.
2. try and sort it all out together and without solicitors. Between you there is a pot of assets / money you've built up together - better for you both & kids you split it 2 ways. Get legal teams each side and you're now splitting it 3 ways because they ain't cheap. Google wikivorce - if the divorce is non contested and fair, it'll cost you just a few hundred to get it done.
3. accept you are both going to have to make compromises vs what you want.
4. never use the kids as pawns, speak badly about each other to the kids or get them involved. Show them how adults handle adult situations like adults. Although the process is tough, they are watching and subconsciously learning at every turn.
5. try to remain friends as much as possible and don't aim to leave each other emotionally / financially ruined. Try to think forward to your child's wedding day - do you think they'll want to know that mum and dad can sit together at the table and share the happiness, or fretting all day that you can't be within 50 yards of each other.

Keep focussed, keep yours head up, keeping talking to others when you're low.

You'll get through it x