Hi everyone. I dont know what I'm expecting by posting this, but I have to get it all out at least. This is something ive been struggling with on my own for far to long and i think I either need to be told to do something about it or stop being stupid and move on from it all.
A bit of background info. We met in 2007 and married in 2010. Everything was great and we were so happy, had everything. But just after we were married I found messages off another woman and it broke my heart, he swore it was just messages. Maybe it was, I dunno. I forgave him (not completely) in 2011 our daughter was born. I already had 2 boys from a previous relationship and he had a son a daughter. We plodded on for a few more years, things were up n down but there was no denying we loved each other very much. This is where it starts to get crazy! I met someone who turned my head, made me believe my husband was no good for me. I started an affair. It was stupid of me and I regret it so much! I think I thought it was revenge for the messages I found, anyway my marriage hit rock bottom. My husband never found out about the affair and he still doesn't know now. We went to marriage counselling. The affair ended. My husband was desperate to make things better between us but I shut down, i dont know why!! I found I couldn't talk to him, looking back I think I was depressed. I lost my dad, mum and auntie to cancer within a 3 year period. Anyway, I discovered he was talking to another woman from work. There was never any solid proof that it was sexual but I got it into my head it was. I threw him out, he moved in with his mum and we eventually divorced. I always loved him, I never stopped. But I was stubborn, he tried to get me back a couple of times but I told myself I was better off without him . The divorce came through and a few months after that he told me he was in a relationship with the woman from work. Which tells me there probably was something going on, but I cant blame him. I was giving him nothing! I see that now, finally! But too late. It's been 5 years since we divorced and him and this woman are married. I've had a couple of failed relationships, they just don't compare to him. I'm in a relationship now that is going nowhere because I dont love him. I try to tell myself that I'm over him but I'm not. His new wife is lovely and I couldn't wish for a better step mum for our little girl. But it should be me! Shes got everything i once had and I threw it away and I hate myself for it. I see them all together when they pick my daughter up and it completely breaks me. Still! After all this time. It doesn't help that me and my ex are so amicable with each other. And his new wife. I welcome them into my house, we buy each other presents ( off our daughter) for xmas birthdays ect. Talk on the phone about anything that concerns our daughter. I think sometimes I read into things and get it into my head that he uses it as an excuse to call me. He really doesn't, it's me that calls him most of the time. How can I get over this and move on? Or maybe i never will?