Selfish husband advice needed xx

[Bellatrix85]

Hi guys I’m new..
Having problems with my OH. Lately it feels like he couldn’t care less about me, or my feelings.
I have surgery a few weeks ago, and have had numerous infections and have really struggled to get over it. Everything came to a head last week, when I just couldn’t take anymore and just broke down, he said he couldn’t understand why I was feeling that way.. and that was that.
So.. the surgery I had had left some adhesions internally, and is causing quite a few problems.. bleeding after s.x being one of them. Last night the bleeding was quite horrific, and we decided if it was no better today I needed to go and get checked. Anyway.. sports come first, and he wasn’t interested in how I was untill after the game had finished..
I said that him waiting till after the game made me feel like crap, I’ve said numerous times in the last few months that I he makes me feel irrelevant, but he just doesn’t care, or refuses too even listen to what I’m saying. In his eyes I’m always wrong. (Even simple conversations end in him rewording what I’m saying, outright saying I’m wrong, or correcting what I’m saying)
Anyway, after telling him to today that I’m sick of feeling lonely and irrelevant because he just doesn’t seem to care, and that I’m never a priority, he said, f..k you, you’ll soon notice if I didn’t give a shit about you.
Where would you go from here? I can’t carry on like this, but, he knows I love him and I don’t want our marriage to end.. im stuck! He never used to be this selfish.
Any advice accepted xx TIA xx

Does he bring you any happiness or make you feel like you are important to him? Imagine spending another few years with him and what your life would be like. Is it an awful thought? He puts you last and seems to care very little for you. If I was in your shoes I would end it.

Sometimes. When we’re good we’re really good. but it feels more often I’m so unhappy and lonely.
His arguement today is, I should of told him I was still bleeding.. he’s not a mind reader. I said just once it would be nice to know he’s thinking of me/cares etc.. he’s now not talking to me.

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

Helpful. Thanks

It sounds like he has clocked out of the relationship... in a day to day life treatment like that wpuld be quite hurtful, but after surgery and conplications? Wtf. Has hoa demeanor changed drastically in a shortish period of time? Has he been under stress? Could he be depressed? (Non of which would be excuses but could give a bit more of an insight) other than that... u ypu get any happiness from him? Are you gettin anything out of this relationship? U need to feel suported now. Not paranoid and like u may come across as needy...he is acting like a bum. Sorry op... no wonder u feel how u do.

Why are there kisses everywhere in your posts?

Are you on glue?

Seriously? Please do fuck off if you don't like it. I think the board you're looking for is AIBU.

People tend to be more empathetic on this board.

Anyway OP, he truly sounds awful. How shit he makes you feel now. Times that by 5, because if you stay with him, it will be 5 times worse in 5 years.

You don't deserve to end up with someone who makes you feel second best.

@livelovelearn1
Thank you. I’ve been upstairs all day, crying and thinking of what’s best to do. I do love him, I do, and when we’re happy we’re really happy.
But, I need support now more than ever, and I’m just made to feel like my feelings are irrelevant. Clearly I’ve upset him today and that’s now the issue, not what upset me in the first place.
All I want is for him to say, are you ok? Not what are you in an arse for. Which is what he says to everything. Apparently I only have 2 emotions, happy and in an arse. Feel like I’m losing the will to live as it is, without being made to like this :(

@PositiveVibez
Thank you. (I’m defiantly not on glue haha)

I feel like the only ones who should come before me are our children.. we’ve been married 15 years.
Yes I know I’m not exactly pulling my weight at the minute trying to recover from this surgery, and I feel selfish for thinking I deserve the same care from him as he gets from me.. I’m literally tormenting myself

happy or in an arse

So, he sees you as happy when you're doing everything his way, in an arse when you ask him to consider you and your feelings, or show basic decent concern for you. Or, basically, inconvenience him and his lazy, selfish way of life, or come out of your box and have an opinion of your own.

OP, what good points does he have?

When he’s not like this, he’s a great dad. He can be affectionate, and loving, just not very often

The affection and loving should be pretty much a constant though, truly. Examples after surgery...making the bed with fresh bedding for you, without you asking, doing the food shop/planning/cooking, without you asking, running you baths, without you asking, giving lots of cuddles as you’ve recently had surgery, asking about pain/bleeding, etc etc. It’s the time you should feel cherished and in no doubt your partner is on your side. My DH is useless at cooking, so he did ready meals, ALL housework, went and bought me surprise new soft fluffy pyjamas, brushed my hair for my me...little gestures. When he’s been in poor health I’ve done the same, shown I care.

@MrsTeaspoon
That’s how I’m feeling. He has a minor surgery 2 years ago, I was waiting for him with coffee, and cake to bring home, made sure he had a drink when he needed it, food etc.
Even when health isn’t a factor, I make sure he has what he needs, if I go to the shop, and I see something I think he would like I buy it for him, even if it’s only little things, like I’ll bring him home some cakes, or chocolate etc.
For the first few days after surgery, he was great, then something changed, as if he couldn’t be bothered anymore or the fact that I wasn’t recovering quickly enough bored him. We had a massive argument, and didn’t talk for a whole week. He’d done something that upset me, which could of lost me the one friend I have outside of our marriage. I tried explaining to him how this made me feel, and his response was, won’t be a problem for me. After a week of not talking, I just completely broke down. He said he couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way, because he’s not done anything wrong. Now this today.. I was bleeding very heavily last night, and he’s saying I’m wrong for assuming he’d ask how it was this morning. Now I’m sitting her feeling like I’m in the wrong?! All I want it to feel loved and cared for, I don’t ask anything else off him.

In his mind this is not a partnership it's a master-servant setup, you are the servant

The times when he is nice....those times are there to reel you in so you come back for more and he can carry on punishing you.
What are your options, can you start to think about life without him?

OP my DH is very selfish. Does what he wants when he wants. Has had to learn about the little things like bringing tea, flowers, keeping in touch because his parents didn't. However, every night he kisses me and puts his hand on my shoulder and every morning he hugs me and tells me he loves me and makes me a cup of tea. Does he know where Saino's is No. Did he get up in the night for DC ? No. Does he do presents. No. Is he sympathetic or helpful if I am Ill - over 30 years he has begun to learn.

Please go and get yourself checked as it sounds like, with his childish and frankly inexcusable tantrum, you haven't done this yet.

Phone 111 if you need to but please see that your bleeding is addressed!

I am so on your behalf!

He’s always been this selfish. It’s just you didn’t notice because you were busy doing stuff for him.

As soon as you are too unwell to care for him, he gets moody and difficult. You are his servant and you are not serving him so hes angry and wants to punish you.

Sorry but your only choices and stay and give up hope that he will change. Once you are well enough to start serving him again he will be happy and he will throw a few crumbs of affection your way.

Or leave.

@SanFranBear thank you, I will go and get checked tomorrow xx

Thank you all for you replys. At least I now know I’m not going crazy expecting him to show he cares.
He’s not even come to bed, so guessing he’s still upset with me.

@0lga I think you’ve got a point there, because when he’s not like this, he can be quite helpful around the house, he does the washing every Saturday. But when he’s like this he does nothing. A silly thing is he rolls my fags for me, but, when I’ve upset him, he doesn’t, and he knows I can’t do it (arthritis) literally like he’s punishing me.

I just don’t know what to say/how to get through to him that he’s destroying me and understand how this makes me feel.

You don’t need to get it through to him, he knows already. That’s why he does it.

He knows exactly how it affects you and he doesn’t care. He wants you to feel terrible so you shape up and start waiting on him hand and foot again.

Once you do that, he will start to he nice to you again.

It’s quite simple. It’s not your talking skills that are at fault. It’s that your love for him is blinding you to the simple facts of who he is and what he’s like.

You want to believe that he’s a decent man who loves you and is having a temporary blip because [reason]. But you know and I know that the facts don’t bear this out.

I’m sorry .

BTW refusing to roll a fag for someone who can’t do it because of their disability is a very special kind of cruelty .

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can completely identify with you. My husband was always the sweetest, most thoughtful person and I never had to question his love for me. But over the past few weeks he's become a different man. I have never felt more unloved or unwanted, and I never thought he would make me feel this way. Its especially hurtful as I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby together. I really thought he would dote on me and be my absolute rock, but things couldn't be more different. I try talking to him but he just gets annoyed and irritated with me. Like you I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I'm wondering if hes a bit depressed. I've mentioned this to him and all he says is I'm trying to turn it on him and make him think theres something wrong with him. Do you think your hubby could be suffering with depression, or have some anxieties/worries you don't know about?
Anyway, know that you're not the only one going through a difficult time ❤ I'm here if you want to talk x

Hang on OP, did you say the bleeding got worse after sex? had you had sex last night, before this latest bout of bleeding started? And, sorry for asking, if so, was it sex that you really wanted to have?