Find living with DH very tiring. Feeling stuck.

[Earlgrey19]

Been married for 11 years, have DC age 4 & 2. When we’re getting on well, my husband and I enjoy being together. But there’s a lot of tension that just keeps coming up, and basically I think we find it quite hard living together, especially since having children. My husband is massively messy, never picks anything up and just doesn’t see mess. If I get annoyed about it he gets very upset and it’s quite a big fall out. In turn he gets very impatient with me for not getting out of the house fast enough. I do 100% of life admin as if I don’t do it he won’t and it gets stressful (car went a period without all its correct paperwork, as an example). He gets a bit fixated about certain things, like exactly how to soak dishes before putting them in dishwasher and gives me long lectures on it, which I try to take on, but end up feeling irritated. He gets very tense and rigid around the children’s routines (eg them eating on time, someone sitting with them without getting up to get something their entire mealtime). I love him, and he’s a great Dad, but I find living together so tiring and fantasise sometimes about living apart. We’re already sleeping in separate rooms, as I struggle to get back to sleep if woken and he gets up for the loo every night. He also used to get cross with me if I didn’t get to bed quickly enough when he gets tired, and I found it stressful. But if I look at the realities of divorce that feels a step too far. There are strengths in the relationship. We enjoy talking to each other, and we support each other. So I don’t know. If we didn’t have kids I think living apart but still being in a relationship would be tempting. At the end of the day, too, when kids are in bed sometimes I just crave time alone, watching the kind of TV he doesn’t like. Is this all just part of the ups and downs of married life? We’re on the waiting list for Relate. Just can’t really picture a way forward that feels less tiring.

You support him but how does he support you exactly?. You do all the house admin (probably sees it as your job and perhaps too because his own mother ran around after and his father) and carry the mental load. This man gets impatient at you for not getting out of the house quick enough. Who died and made this man king?.

I would read this article too:-
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did your dad treat your mother like this too?

How is he a great dad?. Women in poor relationships like you write of often write such when they themselves have nothing positive to write about their man.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. Is this really what you want to be teaching them, that a miserable marriage is their norm too?.

I would consider knocking Relate on the head and going to counselling sessions on your own instead. He may well refuse to go to Relate in any event.

Your children note all too clearly that mum and dad are sleeping in separate rooms. And as for living apart but being together in a relationship, that is just bad for you and for him. Better to be apart completely than to be "together" like that. Whose sake would that be for too; more like yours and in turn his rather than your kids. These kids here cannot be used as glue nor should they be used as glue by you both to bind you and he together.

If he gets tense around the kids routines (another minus point against him) then they pick up on all that too. His actions stress the whole household out. He is not the only one in this house, his needs are not more important than anyone else's here.

Could he be autistic?

He also used to get cross with me if I didn’t get to bed quickly enough when he gets tired

Is his name Bagpuss?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo Yes, I strongly suspect he has some traits, and my mum who is a psychologist thinks so, too. But probably overall below the threshold for diagnosis. He is also very resistant to the suggestion that he may have ASD traits.

Oh god, just had big row because today I asked if he could tidy up the kitchen (tons of stuff everywhere, and rice from children all over the floor), and he had emptied and stacked dishwasher but did none of the rest. So I got mildly cross and pointed out the rest of what needed doing. He sees this as unreasonable anger and says he can’t bear my resentment and me treating him like he does nothing. So he got really angry. I don’t think he does nothing, I just want him to do more around the house than just the dishwasher, which is all he does, but sees as a huge job... Aargh!

He also used to get cross with me if I didn’t get to bed quickly enough when he gets tired, and I found it stressful

Can you explain this? Surely you don’t mean you had to go to bed when HE got tired?

Yes, fedup21 I do: otherwise he said I’d disturb him when I come to bed or he can’t get to sleep if he knows I’m going to come in. He gets very anxious about sleep. It was a nightmare.