How to cope with DH's low mood when I'm feeling down

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How do you cope as a couple when both are struggling mentally?
Both of us have elderly parents who have been seriously ill over the last year. Thankfully mine seem to be doing ok, but FIL is unlikely to pull through, and it seems we are now waiting for the inevitable bad news.
I'm struggling with my mental health - I think depression is creeping back, (not helped by menopause), but I'm good at putting on a cheerful face and muddling through. DH not so much. On top of his worries about his father, he's got a cold and is constantly moaning and groaning. I walk through the door and the first thing he does is to greet me with a long face, a deep sigh and a list of his latest symptoms.

I'm biting my lip because I know he is worried about his father, and of course that is the most important thing we need to deal with at the moment, but sometimes I just want him to go away so I don't have to listen to the relentless groaning and sighing. I am supporting him as much as I can, encouraging him to travel to be with him, listening to him, talking things through, keeping on top of domestic stuff, but honestly, I am finding it really hard to cope. I'm having to do everything when I just want to cry.
I daren't say anything to him when he's like this because from past experience I know it will end in a massive row (I said that when I have a cold I don't take a week off and expect him to take care of everything).

I think underneath it all is the worry that our retirement years will be miserable as we succumb to more ailments and have to cope with bereavements, and I am scared. I still want to have adventures and new things to look forward to, but I'm worried our life will be like this in future with the way things are now.

I'm just venting really. The most important thing at the moment is FIL, so of course I won't be saying anything to DH to upset him and will do whatever I can to help him, but any tips for getting through this would be very welcome.

I am supporting him as much as I can, encouraging him to travel to be with him, listening to him, talking things through, keeping on top of domestic stuff, but honestly, I am finding it really hard to cope. I'm having to do everything when I just want to cry.

You need to tell him what you've said here about feeling you cannot cope. He cannot expect you to carry all of this on your shoulders.

Thank you Lizzie, you're right, I need to tell him. He's gone back to bed so it'll have to wait. I fear he will get defensive and moody though. I wish I had someone I could lean on, it's a lonely feeling.

I don't know how much more I can stand. I'm in tears and feel so lonely. He's on his phone ignoring me, in silence. I don't know what to do.

Remember the aeroplane safety point about oxygen and making sure you’ve sorted your own out first? That, in spades.

What do you do for your mental health or to relax? Make a plan for you, both scheduled activities and a list of ad hoc ones eg going for a walk or taking a bath. If you have a day like today, where you come home and you’re faced with more than you feel up to, go to the ‘ad hoc’ list and choose something for you.

There’s no easy answer with DH; yes, you need to have that conversation, but I suspect it will have to wait until things are more resolved in terms of your FiL. For now, work on taking care of yourself and building up your resilience, so you can still provide DH with support without burning out

Thanks so much for your lovely reply, I did go for a walk this afternoon, normally it helps but I think I'd got into such a state I was unable to feel the benefit this time. Everything was a blur, my mind was racing and it was more of a head-down, trying not to howl with anguish stomp than a walk. Having said that, I do feel a lot calmer this evening so it must have helped. DH eventually got off his phone and quietly held my hand - quite demonstrative for him - so he must have noticed something of the state I was in. He's gone back to bed but things no longer seem hopeless.

I truly want to support him through his father's last days or weeks, but you're right, I'm no use to anyone if I'm burnt out. It was scary feeling possessed with that much despair and sadness.
Thank you again for taking the time to write that.

Glad to hear it.

How was today? Another thought I had was music / podcasts - sometimes just being in the car with a couple of great songs blasting out is enough to keep me going for a bit!