How can I not be interested in these men?

[SurleySuzieCan]

I keep meeting men from online dating who are just lovely. Nice decent people (I know that can change down the years!), but I mean people with decent jobs, stable lifestyles, interested in the world, good to chat with, all reasonably to very attractive. Very thoughtful when it comes to date locations and will drive out of their way to meet me.

I’d say I’ve met about 15 men like this. I leave the date thinking that was nice. But that’s it! I don’t look forward to their text or want to see them again or consider anything further.

I really want a relationship and this is really getting to me now.

A friend told me to keep seeing people for a few dates and see if my perspective changes. But then I feel under pressure because they will think I am into it in the same way they are, when honestly I don’t care at all about seeing them again in reality. It seems a bit unfair to meet them a second time.

What’s going on and why can’t I find any feelings? :(

Maybe you're a slow burner and don't feel that immediate attraction? You won't know if they're really into it either just because they want to see you again.

That's the way with online dating. Try a few more dates and see if they grow on you or something develops?

Are they asking to keep in touch with you ?
Also if you like him, are you saying you have enjoyed it, and perhaps go for a coffee next week.
Could you not be putting out vibes you are having a nice time and would be up to meeting again ?
Do you actually want to see them again ?

What's your relationship history like? In the past have you met men that you've been interested in, or you always been a bit indifferent? Is there someone else you might still have feelings for?

I think it very much depends on whether you’re the sort of person who feels an instant attraction or not. If there was someone whose company I particularly enjoyed, I’d arrange to go on another couple of dates to see if anything grew.

Or, it could just be that you don’t fancy them. You wouldn’t necessarily fancy fifteen men you passed on the street, or met at work, even if they were all attractive and seemingly lovely. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you.

I’m not usually attracted to someone just on looks, so i guess it’s hard to get to know someone probably on one date and then develop feelings? Maybe.

All of them have been keen to meet again. They’re really nice people too.

I have had relationships in the past but met through friends, never online.

Definitely don’t have feelings for someone from the past. I almost wish I did! I feel very cold hearted !!

I feel bad meeting someone again when I am not sure, when they clearly are sure.

I am supposed to be on a second date tonight and whilst I did enjoy the first date, since that one he has messaged me some lovely things like ‘he doesn’t want to leave it two weeks to see me again,’ and ‘he felt very lucky to have met me.’

I don’t feel that at all! I could easily wait two weeks to see him again and it was nice to have met him but I don’t feel particularly lucky that I have.

Do I go on the date? Am I a heartless cow? Is it misleading him to see him again? Is it silly not to meet again if I liked him a little initially?

Men (in the main) will behave that way towards someone if they are attracted to them, but it's only words and part of what they do to catch you. Don't read too much into it. It's a bit of flattery and them letting you know they like you.

Enjoy it - go on the date and have some fun. You're not committing to anyone by going on a few dates.

Someone saying they feel 'lucky to have met me' after one date would have me running for the hills. Sounds like potential lovebombing there and abit desperate.

Jaffa he’s not been bombarding me with messages though. It was one text after the first date.

I have been online dating on and off for about 5 years. I've been on loads of dates and have only liked 3 men.

I have met some really nice men and just haven't had a spark with them. Chemistry is a funny thing. You probably just haven't met anyone you have a spark with yet.

It’s so shit though!

Feeing a bit sorry for myself today

Having online dated previously, I really wouldn’t pay too much attention to what is being said. And a second date doesn’t oblige you to go on a third or fourth or fifth date. You’re getting to know them. You’re not leading anyone up the garden path, you’re deciding whether you like them enough to pursue something more. You’re not being unfair to anyone.

I don't know if it's just me, but I find that there's always something forced about meeting someone through an organised date - you both know why you are there, there's no mystery, no simmering sexual tension. For me, the attraction was never there, it was kind of like a job interview. I only ever felt attracted to people I just met in day to day life when I wasn't looking fore a date, and the chemistry was there.

Lovebombing isn't only about volume of texts (especially after one date), it's also hugely generalised OTT compliments about someone they barely know.

I'm very cynical about dating though having been very badly burned in the past. I don't think a comment like this is coming from a genuine place. Maybe 10 dates in but not after meeting once.

Could you tell the truth to the ones you like most? "I really enjoyed our date and I'd like to meet again, but I should let you know I'm taking it slowly until I get used to all this" or some such. (Feel free to shoot me down if that's not the done thing - I have no idea, can't even bring myself to start OLD :o)

I do think some men really want a relationship and/or sex - not saying that's a bad thing in itself - and they will switch on the charm until they get it. If someone is that type, he could be put off by you saying that - and if he's not, and perhaps feels more similar to how you do, he'd be happy to be quite tentative as well.

But then it's also true that you could meet 100 nice men and not feel a single spark, but you'd know when the chemistry was there.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you and recently had the same comments as you're getting and the same feelings/non feelings towards them. This has been going on for years now (I've not been constantly on the sites all that time though). I'm prepared to give it a bit longer but feel the same as Novemersbean in that I really really want to meet someone naturally, all that sexual tension and wondering whether to get in touch, not feeling as forced kind of thing.
I had to meet my recent date twice to realise there was no spark, normally I know after the first, by this point he was super keen. The first date I was really keen but then the second I was really put off by lots of little things!
I keep telling myself I'll join groups etc but never do.

Just keep going OP, honestly! I was exactly the same, meeting perfectly nice men but that was it. It never went much further than a coffee first date. I did meet my OH months later and I did feel a spark straight away so there is definitely hope!

Deja vu. You posted exactly this a few weeks ago* and the answers are the same. Suck it and see aka try the 2nd date.

• or there are 2 of you with an identical dilemma.

I get you. I need to get to know someone in order to be attracted to them. It's their personality that attracts me and it's hard to gauge after one date. In my past relationships it's been months of getting to know them before there was any attraction.

God knows. I always managed not to fancy the stable, nice, solvent men.

You are not going to know from one date. If you are worried about leading them on just tell them on the first date that it takes you meeting someone at least few times before you will know whether there is any potential fir a relationship. Then you have set expectations.