Do I call it a day?

[Bigfatwiggle]

This is kinda long but I need to get it off my chest.

I've been with my bf for nearly 6 years- the longest relationship I've had. He's a good guy. He's hardworking, great with my kids, makes me laugh and is just a nice guy.
However I feel like there are some massive issues in our relationship and I don't know how to tackle them.
I have been really supportive of his job. He works permanent nights which is really hard going. We have dinner together in the evenings and then he goes off to work but he is often grumpy because he hasn't had enough sleep. It feels like this is becoming more and more frequent and I don't like being around him when he is like that. It drags me down so I end up going in a different room. When you ask him what's wrong his answer is always "nothing"
So Mon-Thursday we have our routine and Friday night's he stays at his so he can go to the pub and see friends. I don't have a problem with this at all as long as we can have him around for the rest of the weekend. He's now started doing overtime on Sundays. He gets up early and goes to work till lunch time. Usually comes to.mine for an hour then goes home to his. So now that leaves us with Saturday as our only day of contact/time together as a family and the only night we get to sleep in the same bed.
Each week he comes over later and later on the Saturday, it's not unusual for him to roll up at 2, he will moan that I'm just doing housework and it doesn't matter if he's there. Today he eventually messaged at 2.30 to say that he wouldn't be over and that he'd see us after work tomorrow and we could do something nice in the afternoon (before he presumably fucks off back to his to have a few beers in the pub) not exactly what I would class as quality family time. To get him a few hours on a Sunday.
He's become really stingy lately. We've got a chance at a weekend away together but he's down graded it to one night because he doesn't want to spend the money (We were going halves)
I want to go away for my birthday.....I hate my birthday. Everyone moans and acts like it's a total inconvenience and I find it upsetting. He's basically said if we go away for my birthday then we can't go away for our anniversary the following month- pretty much the only time of year we get a weekend alone in another city to be grownups. He can easily afford his share so I don't understand why he's suddenly gone like this. He earns what I earn a month in a week and my outgoings are more and I have 2 kids to pay for.
I've also been under a massive amount of pressure with work recently. I'm trying really hard to get a promotion as I need to earn more. I get home from work late and stressed and have to start cooking/housework/homework with kids. Again he's coming over later and later in the evenings and plonks himself in front of the tv whilst I run around like an idiot. Occasionally he will do a load of dishes but equally he'll also have a cup of tea, finish off the ice cream or biscuits and just leave his cups and wrappers in the living room for me to collect up. He also does this with beer cans at the weekend if he does stay on a Saturday night.
One evening this week I exploded at my son because I asked him to switch the oven on to heat up and He put it on 50 rather than 200......it wasn't his fault, but I took it out on him. ( I obviously apologised to him later and sorted it out)
I stormed off upstairs to calm down because I don't like feeling like that at taking it out on innocent parties. A few mins later bf appeared to ask if I was ok. I said no, he said that's why he had kept his distance all evening. He then asked if there was anything he could do to help.......after I'd done everything. I told him no and He left. I just feel like if this was the other way round id have his back. I'd find ways to help. Id think of little things I could do to lighten the load. I feel like he sees this as my house my problem. I'm shattered. He's fully aware. But all I get from him is a pat on the head.
I've got so much on my plate at the moment, a lot of which will directly benefit him in the future and it feels like he doesn't give a fuck.
I don't for one second think he's cheating. He just wouldn't do that but I do think he's got complacent. He doesn't make the effort he used to. I don't feel attractive to him any more. I feel like a skivvy to everyone else's needs and mine don't exist because there aren't enough hours in the day. It's pretty crappy existence right now and I can see a lot more negatives in our relationship than positives.
I feel like may be I should just tell him I need some space because what we have right now isn't a relationship and it's not working for me. I just don't know if I'm being ott.
I do LOVE him and think that it's fixable but I can't be the one doing all the work.....at the moment I want to whack him with a baseball bat every time I look at him.....which probably isn't helping him with how I make him feel.

OP, is this relationship actually doing anything for you at all? It sounds like a lot of hard work for bugger all return. This chap sounds like he is just using you as a convenience - he doesn’t seem to be prioritising your needs or giving you any love or support.
Take a step back and have a good hard look at your situation. Do you want this to be your life for the next forty years? And if not, show him the door.

Right now it isn't.....It's actually a burdon. I feel resentful towards him.
It hasn't always been like this, I used to feel like even though I'm a single mum he would help out and He lightened the load. Now I feel lonely and like I have more to do on a daily basis than I could ever possibly fit in.
I've had some issues recently where I'm having to seriously consider taking a second job on top of my full time one. I made a flippant joke that he could lend me the money I need. He went mad.
He also hasn't once said "hey this is only temporary. I'll give up my Friday night's at the pub and watch the kids so you can work" he's just looked the other way whilst I beg borrow and steal childcare from family and friends.

The relationship is making you unhappy - i think you’d be ultimately happier without him - he’s not being a “partner” is he.

Sounds like he's maybe even found someone else, someone he's spending his money on? Either that or he has totally lost interest in you. Dump him.

Just worry how it will effect the kids. They keep asking when he is coming over. My daughter has had to have therapy because of her biological dad leaving and now this will just intensify her issue with people leaving her. Feel so shit about it all and I have no one in rl to talk to about it because they will use it against me later down the line.

Hi op

Are you feeding him? Does he buy shopping as a contribution
Or are you being used as a convenient shag and a bite to eat?

Sorry it's so blunt, but it sounds like it, maybe it's time to move on

You know this isnt working. It is more harmful for your dd to see this as an example of a relationship.

If you want to see if he will make more effort, id stop him coming round in the week. I bet he is making far more mess, plates, showers, using the toilet, eating the food, than he is contributing towards. Is he cleaning, cooking or paying for food and electricity etc? Just say saturdays only for quality time. And do something. Lazing in the house is not an option.

the beginning and end of your post doesnt match. at the beginning you say he is nice, nice with your kids, etc. then it changes to the end.
it think your relationship is running out its course.
i dont feel he will change for the better, because he is getting worse and away, like he is disappearing from your life slowly (any ow maybe?).
it doesnt look like he has any input to your lives. so what do you get from this relationship?
sail away.

He seems to be wearing you down. He complains about not getting enough sleep but I bet he has time for a social life. He makes a mess knowing it probably stresses you out but does it anyway. You don’t get spoilt even on your birthday and no second gift on your anniversary. For a moment there I thought I was reading a post about my life. I’ve been married to mine for 8 years and my life is hell. Like you I used to say he would never cheat but all that’s changed. There is no consideration for your feelings. If you can just turn and run. I wish I had The only thing that has changed in 8 years of my marriage is me. I gave up my high paying career to raise his kids. I’ve lost my confidence and financial independence. I used to be happy but now I’m just
stuck. I have started to look at options for leaving him but being married has made things complex. I have very little support around me and he seems to thrive off that. So if you can I would advise you to take a break at least ( i know it’s easier said than done ) You deserve to be spoilt and you are not his maid. If he wants you then he needs to give you many reasons to stay. I know you are worried about how it will
Impact your children but just think how the current situation is affecting your kids. My kids are the only reason I am looking for ways out of my marriage. Hope things get sorted for you xx

sorry for your situation suki.
isnt there anyway to return to your career before it is too late?

I’m planning to go back to work as soon as. It’s a shame when a person you loved wanted to spend your whole life with is like this.

Sorry, i fell asleep last night. He will contribute to the food. If we went to the supermarket he'd pull over a good chunk of shopping over to his side and pay for it. Equally one night this week was really busy and he bought fish and chips for everyone. He also showers at his- I only have a bath.
He doesn't pay any bills but I wouldn't expect him to. He has taken the kids out and bought them new shoes when I couldn't afford to.
I agree I'm not really getting anything from it at the mo but the kids are. My daughter spends a lot of time snuggled up next to him when he is here and she absolutely adores him. It's taken a long time for her to build up that level of trust with him since her dad bolted. I don't think the kids are aware that I am unhappy with the relationship.
I feel like after 6 years we should be living more side by side lives- they feel incredibly seperate at the moment. I feel alone in my struggles.
I expect he will turn up after work and act as if nothing is wrong. He makes a joke about everything. It makes having a serious conversation really hard.

I guess we need to sit down and talk before I do anything rash. I don't want to break up with him but equally I think the kids and i deserve better than to be shoehorned into his life. I don't think he will see it that way. He always says he is the one that makes all the effort because he comes to mine rather than us going to his. The difference is my life is incredibly busy with the kids and his flat isn't set up for 2 kids. There isn't room for us to all sleep there. I often wonder what his point is. Yes he always has to come to us but his work is just round the corner from my house vs a 20 min drive from his, so there is an aspect of convenience for him.

Yes you do need to talk about things and some things will need to change. Just be honest with everything. Good luck. X

You've been seeing him for six years and this is as far as the two of you have got ? I sense you are wanting a father for your kids but he doesn't want to be that . Sorry.

The relationship has gone as far as it will go....

I feel sad reading this, OP. He probably won’t admit it - but it sounds like you’re more of a convenience to him than a loved or cherished partner.

You’re making his life easier, he is making yours harder. The love isn’t there to glue things together - what’s the point.

Fish and chips and some shopping isn’t enough.

Good luck talking to him.

@Bigfatwiggle
I've read your posts and responses really carefully.
It's obvious that there are mutual advantages in this arrangement you have with your bf. His relationship with your children seems genuine and caring. And he is trying to be fair with chipping in to the expenses of food - and quite right too . It's great for him that your place is so convenient for his work . How lovely it is to come back to a home cooked meal - something I haven't experienced since I lived at home - I didn't appreciate it so much then !
Buying shoes for the children if this was his idea speaks of someone who isn't a basically selfish person. However when you mentioned a more formal arrangement about money and you say he went mad it shows he's happy to have things on solely his terms . I think you need to make some of your own .
I also think this has a lot to do with his attitude to your birthday and anniversary treats of weekends away you were so looking forward to . All the extra work he's doing is pointless if occasionally you can't do something special together especially if you planned to go halves . He earns a lot more than you do so he could really afford to treat you to just one . I think you should put that to him in a calm way too .
I know what it feels like to be made to feel you are not special or worth the effort . However if you don't say how you feel to him nothing changes . Six years is a long time to be with someone and not actually committed - do you think it's commitment you are secretly hoping for ? To be all under the same roof ? Every woman imo needs to feel a bit spoiled by her man at times . Goodness knows many of us do it on a daily basis for them . Like having an extra child It took me 30 years to get mine to use a laundry basket ! I had to resort to threats to cut the toes out of socks and cut across the gussets of underwear to achieve desired results - I only had to carry it out once ( favourite jockey shorts converted to a loincloth ! )
The fact that you cook a good meal for him on a regular basis is a lovely and ongoing type of nurture and spoiling . It sounds like with your job , housework , homework help to children etc .plus being backstop for bf is wearing you out . That's something most women will identify with inside or outside a full time partnership or marriage .

Thanks for the replies. We had a very intense discussion earlier and I said 90% of what I needed to say. I don't feel like he has taken much responsibility for any of it but equally he was very conscious that the kids were in the house and he didn't want them to hear us arguing or see me upset, he used to hear his parents fight a lot and found it upsetting.
He's cooked dinner tonight and once the kids are in bed we are going to sit down and have a rational discussion with out extra ears listening in.
We both agreed that communication has broken down between us and we need to sort this as a priority. Fir example he said he thought I could only afford 1 night away so that's why he suggested 1 night and has now booked a hotel for 2 nights so that's good. We desperately need some time to ourselves.

This is by no means a fix. He needs to recognise that some of his behaviour is not ok and that we are equals. He has stuck with me through a lot with my daughter and her problems and has helped a lot. But thats not a get out of jail free card.

I guess we need to finish talking and set down some ground rules.
Our relationship isn't conventional.....I quite like living apart at times. I hope one day we will live together but right now it's not possible.

Rely. I'm so glad you talked. I was going to say it seems like a huge communication problem. You have to give him a chance to sort it out.

Tell him the last 10% too. You e got nothing to lose because you can't make something work if it isn't and if one of you doesn't want it. You have to both want it so explain that his look affects you (this is completely normal btw - mirroring). And that, perhaps you both need to be more affectionate toward each other. Accept your part too.

Have the tough talk because, frankly, men are from Mars and don't have a fucking clue what's going on in Venus! 🤪

I'm glad you had a talk, you do have a lot to discuss. Id like to ask though, when does he sleep and does he actually get enough? Can he prioritise that more than socialising to help the overall situation. My dh did permanent nights for a long time and it really does mess with your body an awful lot so its very important he sleeps and eats well.

I'm flabbergasted that a guy who earns in one week what you do in one month is making you go halves on a weekend away. Its your birthday. If people split I think it should be a fair split so.propotionate to what you earn and responsibilities. I'm lucky I have always had generous boyfriends and don't ever really have to pay (although I have my own money and could anyway), but I still think I'd you are going to split it should be fair!

That aside, I don't see you getting much out of this
Maybe it will be easier on your own. I always think feeling lonely and with someone is far loneliest tha feeling lonely and on your own. If you leave him I bet you will be happier.