Really need help to understand what's going on in my own head

[hazeljo]

Apologies in advance, this might be quite long.

I work in a highly stressful job which involves regular abuse and violence from the people I look after. For the last 3 and a half years I have been working in a particular place where basically the manager is a bully. 2 years ago I became very aware of a woman in my work being badly bullied and ostracised in my workplace and I could see the effect it was having on her (she has since left). I sat beside her when she was sitting away from everyone else in a meeting once just so she didn't feel so alone and from that moment on I also became a target for my manager. This led to 2 years of hell where I was even scared of applying for other jobs because I was scared that if my manager knew I was applying elsewhere and then I didn't get the job, things would become even worse for me. During this time a number of other people from my work got signed off with stress, meaning that I quite literally ended up with the entire workload of 3 people. I would cry every day on my way to and from work and fantasised about crashing my car just so I wouldn't need to go in. During this time my DH was absolutely incredible. I was so stressed I could be a total arsehole and he was so supportive. I relapsed with a prior eating disorder and for months he made all my meals, breakfasts, lunches and dinners, for me to help me get it under control.
We were also trying for a baby over much of this period (although not when my eating was really bad) and had no luck which I found difficult and upsetting.
I have always wanted to live in a particular part of the country but DH has never wanted to move away. During this time a number of jobs came up in this place that I knew I would stand a very good chance of getting and therefore not be worried about applying for, however DH would not move there and would confirm this every time I told him about the jobs so I never went for them. Each time I would feel some resentment towards him for this.

Me and DH both have jobs where we can't choose our holidays and over the summer I was off while he wasn't. I desperately needed away so I went away myself for 6 weeks. I do lots of outdoor adventure sports and did these for the whole summer. While I was away I was the happiest I'd been in a long time and started to feel like I didn't particularly miss my DH. I decided that I was going to leave my job and that I wanted to move to the place that I've always wanted to go, where I could pursue the sports I do more often and make them more a part of my life or even get a job based on them. Towards the end of my trip I started to really dread the thought of coming home and started thinking that maybe we weren't compatible and that we want different things in life. I decided to go home early to talk to him about it.

When I got back DH still said he did not want that kind of lifestyle and I said I would need to leave then because otherwise I feel like I would be missing out on that aspect of my life. DH was really upset about this and it took him a while to accept.

We decided we would stay living together until we could decide exactly what was happening and take our time with it. However we are very much living like two flatmates, in separate rooms, but who get along really well and we are trying our best to support each other. Since then I returned back to work and eventually needed to be signed off with stress as I couldn't cope. Since I have been off I have started to feel differently. Before I felt like I desperately needed to escape and get away from my own life, including DH. I felt like I would be missing out on living the life I want if I didn't go. Since being off work I don't feel that same need to run. It has made me start to think that maybe it was actually my job that was the issue all along and that because coming back from my holiday to DH also meant coming back to my work, I was conflating the two and thinking that I needed away from him also.

Now I just feel really confused about my feelings and what I want (although I'm aware that with what has happened what DH wants may now be different). I love my DH to bits, he is an amazing, kind man who is really clever and funny and has always just made me happy. But with everything that was going on with work and the levels of stress I was feeling, our physical attraction for each other just bombed and although we would still have sex, it didn't feel like there was real intimacy there. This was one of the things I would focus on when I was saying I wanted to leave, however now I am away from work and feeling clearer-headed I feel like we could potentially recover that.

However, when I have said this to DH, he is understandably very wary. He is worried about being hurt again and says he is scared that I will turn round again in the future and say that I need to leave to go and do these things, or that if I don't go and do them I will resent him for it in future. We don't have kids so he says that if we are ever to split up and I am to go and do these things, then now is the time. I have also handed in my notice for my work so will not be working there for much longer so the stress from there will no longer be a factor.

I just feel so confused about it all. DH is happy with our life as it is, I love him but do sometimes feel like there are aspects of life that I'm missing out on because it's not what he wants although I wonder if without the stress of my current job I won't have those feelings to run away and start a new life anymore.

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you to anyone who has managed to read all of that and make sense of it. My head is all over the place and I was trying to hold back on a lot so it wouldn't be too long.

Anyone?

I wonder why your DH is so resistant to moving ? If he knows how much it means to you why wouldn’t he give it a shot?
If I were you I would go away for a year and live where you want to. Get a job there. Try it out. Tell your OH you would love him to come but if he won’t, the relationship is not his priority.
Agree between you you will do this for a year. Then decide whether or not you want to come back, if he’ll have you. If he’s moved on or you don’t want to come back, your decision is made.
Don’t whatever you do get pregnant until you are really really sure.

He says he doesn't want to move because he wants to stay close to his family. His parents don't always look after themselves very well and can take ill quite regularly so he doesn't want to be far from them. Saying that though, the places I'm suggesting are 1.5-2hrs away so not on the other side of the country. He also doesn't have any qualifications but is trained in a particular job that he can only get in certain places so he worries about work.
I suggested taking a trial separation almost as you've described but DH has said he couldn't live for that year in the hope that I might come back, which I understand. So he says that if I go then it would need to be with us being separated. I think I'm just scared of going and realising it's not really what I want and I've given him up for nothing because other than not wanting to do the same thing as me, he really is amazing and I don't think I'd ever find anyone like him again.

Definitely will not be getting pregnant now, apart from anything we are no longer having sex in order to make sure it doesn't complicate our feelings further.

Although actually I was suggesting a trial separation of 4-6 months, not even a year. I understand why he wouldn't go for that though as he says he feels like he couldn't move on and would be hanging on just for me to decide what I want to do, and that I could then just turn round and decide not to come back. I understand that so I get why it would need to be over for me to go and see if it's what I want to do.

could you move and work there during the week with weekends at home with him? Would that work? Otherwise you are going to have to do some hard thinking. If you love him and would miss him, how much do you really want to move and pursue your interests? Only you can decide.
Did you miss him when you were away before? Doesn’t sound like it.

We've discussed that in the past but 2 days a week together doesn't feel like much of a marriage.
I didn't really miss him over the summer but I actually didn't feel like I missed anyone or anything, which was not usual. I don't know if that was because I was so happy to be away from things and doing the stuff I love doing and I was often doing them with other people so was keeping busy. Since I've been off work I've missed him on nights he's been working nightshift so I know I do miss him when he's not around.

I just don't understand what kind of person wouldn't even try moving for say a year

Floating
DH can be very risk adverse. He will use his job as a reason (as well as his parents) as places he can work are limited, however they do exist and I've been willing to compromise on location to fit this. He can also take a career break from his work for a year, which colleagues of his have done in the past, but for some reason he doesn't see this as being an option.

The stage we are at now he says he definitely would not want to move somewhere, in case I decide I don't actually want to be with him once he's moved there and then (in his words) he might be 'stuck there'. This comes from his friend recently splitting up from his wife after moving 5 hours away from where he is from to live near her family. They have a child together and so his friend does not want to leave and be far from his child but has no friends or family in the area so is not in a great place mentally. My DH has said he doesn't ever want to end up in the same position and so is now using that as another reason not to go.

You would benefit from a decent spell of counselling for yourself. You are trying to sort all this out in your head on your own. I can see how your husband is wary because you already left him once. Going away for 6 week holidays alone says to the other person 'I don't want to be with you'. You didnt miss him either so what does that tell you?
You miss him like someone misses their dog when its not in its usual place.
You want the security of a relationship to make you feel safe, but also the freedom to do as you please. Moving to another location will not fix that.

I think depression can affect all aspects of your life. I would look for another job locally and see if that helps. If it doesn't after 12 months, then make plans to move away.

It sounds like you were in a depression brought on by your job and now you are starting to come out the other side. When depressed we question everything and everyone.

Of course your DH will be wary even more so now. What if he leaves his family and friends and his job. You both move and start a family and then it doesn’t work out..he will be stuck living somewhere he doesn’t want to live without any support.

Sometimes we think moving will solve all our problems but most of the time they follow us(my DH has depression and we moved to Australia)

I think the best thing you can do is get yourself into counselling. That will help you figure out what YOU want and then you can start looking at your marriage.

Take care x

Please go to the GP, you aren't currently in any state to be making life changing decisions. A holiday is just that, temporary. Moving permanently is something altogether different.

Once you get your head above water the landscape will seem a lot clearer. You have had a horrific couple of years and you need to recover.

Then you can make the right decisions for you.
Xx

It sounds like he is just holding you back. You compromise everything and him nothing and not even willing to try.

He has an unskilled job that he is content with and not interested in training for anything else.

You are obviously in a better career and sounds like where you are at you'd be stuck both personally and professionally.

You want new career opportunities as well as more activities (sport)

He's not even willing to try any of it.

You sound like very different people really. If he really wanted to be with you he would be willing to compromise. He’s not.

I do not understand the logic of only being able to apply to jobs in your desired location but not where you are currently living.

I think you’re current job made and is still making you, miserable and ‘moving’ was your form of escape. You can still escape the misery of your current job and not move.

Gift yourself the freedom from the misery of your current job by quitting.

The op says she’s left already I think. Or has given notice.

Sounds like all the decisions are down to him. I would go move to the area you love, give it a year. So he says if you go its over? I doubt that. I would take that risk. You only get this life.

I think you're in danger of throwing the baby out with the bath water. Your job is hell, you saw no escape without moving away for this fantasy life. Six weeks of hobbies and freedom in beautiful summer weather is not reality. That life will also come with work, housework, stress, rain and being stuck indoors etc.
You have a husband you love and obviously loves you, but your escape plan entails leaving him behind too unless he packs up the life he loves and follows you.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to move just so you can escape your job. He is happy near his family, he doesn't need the fantasy escape dream. Him moving is not a compromise. You've said 'quit your job your home, leave were you are happy and have family or I'm dumping you'. That's not compromise. That's all my way or the highway.
You have given an all or nothi v ultimatum based on panic at returning to work. He's must be bery hurt and confused. He has been supportive over your work situation for many years when you put up barriers to quiting and got more and more stressed. Now you want to chuck in your entire life with him, rather than look at alternatives: you could quit and temp til you get a new job; job hunt and take the shit short term at work etc.

And your 'compromise' is to leave him in limbo for six months as you go off and decide what you want? Ouch that's harsh.

I think you need to slow down with this life crisis. Firstly, shitty job needs to go - immediately. No barriers, no excuses. Talk to dh about the financial implications of you temping, about your panic, about the fact you love him etc. Second, see your gp: that level of stress is awful and may have triggered depression (the not missing anything, etc). Third, look for activities you enjoy in your area now and reconnect with dh.

Otherwise you might end up lonely in new area, sitting around in the middle of winter when you can't do your outdoor hobbies, with another crap job as your husband gets on with his life without you.

If the place you want to move is only 2 hours away why can't you do your sports from where you are now? It might be a bit much to expect your DP to move now seeing as you've put him through the wringer - especially as he has parents that need him. I would think he sees his parents' well-being as more important than your access to your sports.

You may feel a lot different when you're away from your horrible job. Things will be clearer so give it some time. Your DP sounds like a good man who's been as supportive as he can be. His reasons for not moving are as valid as your reasons for moving.

To the PPs who have suggested depression brought on by work, my family have suggested similar. In fact my parents said they think I had a bit of an episode around the time I said I wanted to leave my husband as apparently my behaviour was so erratic and out of character (my dad actually described it as 'manic' with the things I was saying and doing- we have had family members with mental health issues and he likened it to one of them in their 'manic' stages). I do feel like my mind was feeling in a different place then and I feel like I'm beginning to come out of the other side while I'm off and hopefully can continue once I've left.

Now that I'm getting into a bit of a better mindset I am starting to see things more along the lines of what TheBeastAwakens and Thingsdogetbetter are saying- the reality of running away somewhere else will be different to actually living and working there (I'm particularly worried about being lonely without our family and friends) and maybe I'll feel differently once I'm away from my current job. I wonder if maybe I can just continue to go up there on my days off. I just worry because I was so set on going not long ago and suddenly I'm starting to feel differently and I feel confused about what I'm actually feeling and thinking. This makes my husband worry as well because he says that he's scared I'll turned around in the future and do this again if I don't go and actually experience it to find out whether or not it's what I want.

The only thing is that I did always want to move away to do this and when I first met my husband I told him this and he said that he did as well. Over time this changed and when it came to the time when we could actually move and I suggested it he said he no longer wanted to. At this point I had fallen in love with him and chose him over going, but I always hoped that he might change his mind. When things became bad at work this thing that had always been pushed away to the back of my mind became something I felt I desperately NEEDED to do. That desperate need has waned again a bit now and I don't feel the urgency I felt but I do worry about it coming back because the want to go away and do it isn't new or something which only appeared with this job.

The thing is I wouldn't want him to move anywhere based only on me wanting to go, because I don't think that would be the right way to make a decision like that anyway. He would need to want to go but if he doesn't want to then there's nothing I can do about that.

You don't need to make a decision right now and any pressure to do so will add to your stress.

You are amazingly strong to have made it through 2 whole years of that. Once well you would be fine starting anew. But now is not the time to decide.

Get yourself to the GP.
X

Thanks chickenyhead.
You're right and I know I should wait until I have left my job and started the new one before making any moves. Just finding it hard as we are living almost as flatmates with zero intimacy and there's times I just want to hug or feel close to him again but DH doesnt feel we should until I make a decision as he thinks it would complicate my thinking.

Oh and have an appointment with the doctor this week now.