Everything is great except I’m on my own

[PieintheSkies]

Life is great but I have nobody to share it with.

I’ve loads of friends and a nice family. I’m not lonely. But I do feel alone turning up to parties, weddings etc without someone in my life. Just finished doing my house up and I love it but it would be so much better with someone else who loved it just as much as me.

Anyone else feel like this? I feel down about it tonight.

Me, yes, it does really get me down to be honest. Are you trying to meet someone?

Yeah I am. I do feel like I just won’t find anyone now though! I’ve dated quite a lot and I think most people would have found someone by now. Not everyone does though and maybe I am just one of those people.

I can’t actually remember what it feels like to have someone in my life.

It’s silly things like:

An unexpected bill with nobody to talk about it with
Nobody to hold the ladders when you’re doing the painting!
Eating for one so feeling like there’s no point making much effort
Nobody to cuddle up with and watch a series
Nobody there to talk about your day
Nobody to run you a bath when you’re feeling rubbish

Of course I know many relationships aren’t perfect but these small things feel like big things when you don’t have them

I was just thinking the same thing myself. I'm happy with my life but I wish I had someone to cuddle with while I watch TV lol. I miss being close to someone.

It is grim. I’m coming up to 28 years on my own - was widowed in Nov 1991.
But you can either sit alone and be miserable, or try your best to live an enjoyable life even without a partner.
I go out a lot - hobbies, theatre, concert hall, sport, walks, church, seeing family, restaurant meals etc- and I have a little rescue cat at home who is lovely company.
I also decided that I would continue to cook proper meals for myself even after the DC grew up and moved out. I batch cook tasty soups, stews, curries and so on and freeze portions, and I raid the farmers’ market for treats. I think ready meals for one are just too depressing!
Don’t let the lack of a partner spoil your happiness in all other areas of your life. And who knows, you may still meet your soulmate. Chin up!

Thanks!

I do try to remember all that and to be happy but it does suck sometimes. I have no real memories with anyone significant yet everyone else seems to have found someone to build a life with.

How old are you?

35

Have you tried things like OLD?

A word of caution. You have your house which you have bought and decorated and very clearly love it. You must be financially sound and capable of your own DIY.
I have had a financially unsound man think he could latch on to me and earn no money while living in my house and trying to lay down the orders. He found I was not going to have a difficult man mess me around.
A very experienced landlord I know always said he did not rent to men. When he rents to women some of whom are single mothers he is aware that a man is likely to move in with the woman but as the man is not on the tenancy he has the perfect reason to evict if there is any trouble.
I have watched friends who are hard workers and earn good incomes have partners who do not work.
Just be cautious. Alone may be boring and lonely but it is safe

I understand OP, it’s hard
I could have written this myself as I’d lost hope of meeting anyone. ever. I decided to online date aggressively because despite my “nice life” meeting someone was important to me and in certain moments it really was getting me down.

I fully accepted going into it I may not meet someone but I wanted to know I had tried and to give it my absolute best shot.
online dating is mentally quite gruelling and it took about 2.5 years of 2-4 dates a week, a lot of weird/abusive/strange men and 3 short term “false starts” before I met my DP.
I believe even if I hadn’t I’d still be out there looking and it would still have been worth it because I would know I had tried. We both have come to the conclusion it is pure dumb luck whether you meet someone you click with. Online dating just increases chance and opportunity.
.
I think you should properly pursue it if it’s what you want - I basically treated it as a part time job!!! and got first dates down to a fine art.

There is some truth to thebouquets post, I wasn’t vague about my situation (I didn’t downplay my job either) as it let’s you weed out the wrong’uns upfront.

The reality is 95%+ of single men in their 30s are single for a variety of very very good reasons, at 35 I recommend dating up or down age wise (I went for mid/late20s and early 40s).
My DP is 9 years younger and we only met because I adjusted the age setting the week before

I sometimes feel this way but I have two children myself 100% of the time. You can't magic up a partner so all you can do is be the best in yourself and enjoy your full life if ever someone comes along to join it. Look great, do online dating, see friends who are open and sociable rather than going for dinner all the time. Try meet up groups once in a while, the gym etc. I'd be out all the time if I didn't have kids. Good luck x

I’m not sure it’s true that all men in thirties are write offs...

Online dating is ok, I don’t mind it but it’s tiring and feels never ending.

Relationships are never as good as they look from the outside.

An unexpected bill with nobody to talk about it with : try having that big bill because your DP is s* with money!
Nobody to hold the ladders when you’re doing the painting: try having a dp who mocks your taste in interior design so you never get to paint those walls
Eating for one so feeling like there’s no point making much effort: try having a dp who only eats pub style food, refuses soups and salads etc so you end up gaining loads of weight!
Nobody to cuddle up with and watch a series : try having a dp who refuses to sit next to you and mocks all the shows you like.
Nobody there to talk about your day : as above, try having a dp who’s more interested in you listening to his woes
Nobody to run you a bath when you’re feeling rubbish : try having a dp who thinks you over exaggerates illness so doesn’t even bother giving you a hug

Honestly getting pregnant is the only thing you can’t do alone. Dont rely on a relationship for the emotional stuff or you’ll end up just as disappointed as now.

It is always the case that the grass is greener but most people do choose to couple up for emotional and sexual and financial support to one another.

Yes the grass is always greener...but obviously most people want a relationship and to share their life with someone. I don’t think a relationship would suddenly make my life perfect, it would probably complicate it in many ways. But I still want it and it’s lovely without it.

Lonely*!

Truth is there are things you can do alone but ultimately there’s only so much doing you can do. It’s when you have nothing to do that the loneliness really sets in.

I don't know. Having someone is great at the beginning until all their crap comes out.

The only men in my life who have actually ever made my life easier are my father and now my eldest son. The rest have caused more trouble than they've helped. One was creating more debts quicker than I was paying them off and the other was a complete control, jealous financial abuser. My dog is brilliant constant company and I have lots of friends and hobbies. Not discounting meeting someone and I am OLD but I'm nit going to live with anyone again. My kids are still young and I'm busy with work too. I'm glad that I don't need a man to have kids, help financially whilst I bring them up any longer. Lots of lovely men out there and I hope I meet one but I am the happiest I've been in 20 years.

I can understand that musti, if you’ve had a bad experience, but to be frank here the reality of my life is very cold, empty and lonely.

I go to work. I sometimes then go to the gym. I do have a hobby, which meets one evening per week. I try, I don’t just sit and stare at the TV.

But then I go to my hobby and I come home, alone, and this is repeated for the whole weekend unless I can snatch an hour or two with a frazzled friend!

Having that inbuilt company a partner provides is important. This is not me in any way undermining the impact a cruel or lazy or belittling partner has on ones mental health, but to be honest relationships is filled with these threads and I don’t point out to them my life is also difficult because I am single.

I understand OP. And people pointing out being single is better than a bad relationship - well yes, but we don't want a bad relationship, we want a good one!

Most of us single people have had a relationship before - we know how it works. I very much liked being married for a long time. I miss the companionship. I have friends, I go and do stuff, but when I come home it's lonely. When I have a crisis, it's lonely.

@peri19 invite friends round or arrange stuff to do with them? Take up more hobbies/sport etc. Join a triathlon club or something that you enjoy doing that also gives you the opportunity to meet people of both sexes and do stuff socially.

I've lived in many different places since being little and everytime I've moved I've had to make a proactive effort to meet, engage and befriend people. If I like someone, I invite them to do stuff with me. I hold parties and organise outings and so do my friends.

I've had great relationships too that just ran their course but that was because there were no children involved and we were equal. So I'm not a bitter man hater. I've spent all my adult life with in relationships and of course my preference is to be with an amazing person but it is quite hard to find. I also can't do casual, either am completely in love with them or just not interested and I'm a very empathetic and naturally helpful person and tend to put their needs above mine. I want someone who doesn't abuse that or would rather be on my own.

My friends just wouldn’t come. That’s partly a logistical thing - they are spread far and wide but even local friends would be tired, work, children, shopping. The bald truth is that most people don’t value socialising, especially not every weekend! What I have found is that if I want to see my friends then I have to go to their house (and sometimes this involves quite costly travelling and I just can’t afford this at the moment) and a lot of the time you are a bit of a third wheel as they have their husbands there and children wake and so on.

Triathlon club and things you’d enjoy aren’t synonymous for me but yes hobbies are good. Still, there’s a limit to how much time and company they give you. I do a weekly hobby. It costs £30. I do it for an hour. I go home.

It can be tough.

@Verily1 If you're describing your own relationship there, my god, leave him, he sounds awful. I'd rather be single than go through that.

GOOD relationships are worth it. Mine isn't perfect, but it makes me feel loved and secure, and never alone. He would never do anything you described in your post.

OP, one thing I've learned is that you never know when you're going to meet someone. For me, it happened when I'd given up, rather than when I was doing the online dating thing etc. Chill, and enjoy your life :). It will happen!

I know it’s a bloody cliche but you never know what’s around the corner. We all have to be happy alone and have a fulfilling life as even if you have a partner sadly then can leave at any point or change. Concentrate on friends and what makes you feel passionate, study animals travel etc. I do know the feeling though, sometimes you just want a hug and to share the day to day things. It will be okay op.