Update on Groundhog Day

[whatmind]

Thank you to all the posters who gave me practical advice!

I have calmed down a bit and feel a lot more positive. I have been hit with random bouts of weeping/sadness or anger over the last 2 days which I expect is normal and will continue for a long while yet but in between I feel sort of ok-ish.

Tomorrow I start my job search, I have a few people to call on Monday to try and sort out UC/Housing and between some F&F have somewhere to sleep in the meantime.

I am now out of the house - it didn't go well We will need to sit down at some point and arrange how we plan to separate properly. I refused to be drawn into an argument over it while I was packing my bag, I said it was an important discussion but we'd have to have it in a few days as I didn't think we'd be able to do it now calmly.

A few posters pointed me in the direction of passive aggression which I had always thought of in terms of a snarky comment or the like so I was pretty sceptical as I was of the abuse comments.

I'm still a bit on the fence about outright abuse, I know it was crap to live with and it's done me a lot of damage over time but I truly believe it was a constant internal struggle between his love for me and his PA traits.

I haven't had a name for this before, it's all been so confusing!
It was quite an eye opener to read some of the previous posts here and see my husband in what others were describing.
I read a few articles too, he isn't everything on the PA list but he displays a majority of the behaviours and does them on a regular basis.

I have been getting to the point where now my fuse is really short and I was feeling so guilty for it and having it thrown back at me in overt or quietly resentful ways whilst he for the most part either stayed calm because "he's not a shouter" or would get upset and I'd end up soothing him while all my stuff was displaced and forgotten.

It doesn't fix anything or change how anything has happened but honestly it has made me feel a lot better in a way because as much as I knew I wasn't imagining it or losing my marbles it's nice to see it in black and white and say "YES! That's what I'm dealing with!"

It has reaffirmed my decision to seek divorce was the correct one. I love him and always will but believe there is too much water under the bridge for me to ever trust him fully again.

Trying to keep my head high and F&F are helping keep my spirits up and mind off things. Sat with my oldest friend last night and chatted about small possibilities that had never been on my radar before and it was quite uplifting. I can do anything I want if I just go to it!

Small steps, roof over head, job, future.

Thanks again for the help!

Hi. Please could you link your other thread. Thank you.

That’s great! Onwards and upwards! x

Littletonone thank you again for your help.

Oabiti I'm afraid I wouldn't know how anyway but I'm afraid I hid the thread because I wasn't making myself very well understood and some posters were getting the wrong end of the stick a bit and it that was upsetting me, I was a bit embarrassed because I think people took me as either explaining away his actions or not taking enough responsibility for my own autonomy.

I use mumsnet mostly to read so don't really know how to do much other than navigate between threads.

To be honest you didn't miss much other than some very long posts from me trying to explain how I was feeling and why.
It must have just looked like a big "I'm a hard done by person who hates their husband, look at this litany of all his faults"
I started the thread in the wee hours of the day I asked my husband for a divorce so I was a bit sleep deprived and very upset so not managing to convey well what I was meaning.

I think I got people side tracked with a silly irritation I shouldn't have included because it wasn't relevant and because I trying not to be outing giving rather vague examples of what he was like that must have seemed very petty.

The only other update since the thread is as posted above and my final catalyst to go because he'd already started to charm me into thinking maybe separate properly rather than divorce! Silly silly woman!

I caught him out (he dropped himself in it) in yet another lie which sealed the deal the morning I left and in rumbling him on that and actually leaving has brought out an overt unpleasantness that I never knew he had in him.

Good luck with everything, OP

Thanks oabiti!

For anyone looking for info on Passive Aggression check out this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible?pg=1&messages=25

And an article on how passive aggressive behaviours manifest, how these behaviours work for them and the people that choose to be in relationships with them:
lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

The article has been very helpful in identifying my role in the relationship, how and why my reactions to his behaviours eventually led to me becoming an Angry Banshee too and why I have stuck at pushing that boulder uphill for so long regardless of how many times it rolled back down over me.

Oh I can link! It's just copy and paste... and now I feel very stupid ha ha!

Well done for moving on, there will be dark days but you are moving forwards. Thank you for the PA link- it explains so much about my ex, he had parents just like that and so could never express his feelings and provoked me into showing the anger he couldn’t...