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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me unpick my relationship with my mum/sisters

9 replies

changedmynametothis · 21/09/2019 18:52

This may be long so bear with me but I really need some help putting things into perspective. I have 3 sisters, I am 2nd eldest. My mum has been married and divorced 5 times, my dad was her 3rd marriage. Me and my sisters are all (apparently but that's a whole other thread) his. They divorced when I was 6, I'm not 100% sure of the circumstances, my mum always said that it was because he hit her but my dad has alluded to her having an affair - not that any if that necessarily matters.

As a child since they divorced, my DM had a constant procession of boyfriends, none of who ever lasted more than a couple of years. I can remember many, many times I would hear her having sex, even when I was downstairs with a friend she was upstairs having noisy sex with a boyfriend which we could hear - this was the middle of the day and I can remember him coming down afterwards all red faced and sweaty to make cups of tea, I would have been about 11, grim. There are many more examples.

I was always my dad's favourite and when he and mum divorced he cleared off abroad for a few years which I think affected me. I was bullied by my big sister pretty relentlessly which has affected my self esteem, along with throwaway comments my mum would make about my appearance/figure along with telling me I was a bit odd. Basically made to feel like the black sheep of the family.

As an adult I am now happily married (11 years) and have 2 DD's, a job that I enjoy that I am about to do further training in, a hobby I love that I have been passionate about since I was a child. I'm in a pretty good place.

There has been some upset as my DD who is 18 has told my big sister some home truths and she has overreacted massively - this has led to criticism from my mum and sister about my parenting abilities (sister has no kids/never married) - and ultimately we are now not speaking. Should I be listening to this from someone who set such a shit example to us when we were children?? I don't think I care any more...

OP posts:
springydaff · 21/09/2019 20:44

To start with: hats off to you for going on to have a successful relationship, family and career. Wow!

Don't take any notice of them. You know you have good kids. You also know your sister and mum are flakes, up to no good.

I'm so sorry you had such a challenging childhood with your mum - aside from the lurid sex (Angry), to your mum you were the scapegoat [actually, ARE the scapegoat, that role never fades] and with your dad you're the golden child. It's not going to go down well with your sisters that you were the favourite, your dad's favouritism will be very wounding for them. Unfortunately, you'll get it in the neck for that.

But essentially it isn't your fault - it's your dad's fault. So don't take it on.

Let your daughter have her own relationships with your sister and mum. She's an adult now. Don't get pulled into it.

75Renarde · 21/09/2019 20:49

Sure I'll help. You ready?

You are an Empath
Your mum has NPD
Your sister (elder) has NPD.
Your father is normal or an Empath.

If youd like me to break it down why I deduce this then I will.

It might be more beneficial for you if you join the dots.

My question to you is about the third sister. What is she like?

75Renarde · 21/09/2019 20:51

Sorry. I'm going to retract that about your Dad. Theres not enough to go on there.

changedmynametothis · 21/09/2019 20:58

Thanks @75Renarde , I'll look up what that all means! There are 4 daughters in total, 3rd in age moved away a couple of years ago I think partially as she got fed up of the constant drama of family life. Youngest sister is a single mum and has had several failed relationships, developing a hatred of men just like my mum.
Mum always says she thinks my dad is a psychopath, no empathy etc. I went for a long time of not talking to him etc (personal reasons) but have been back in touch, he does make an effort to keep on touch although he can be hard work. I think my mum has conditioned us against him/men in general, my younger sister (one that moved away) also recognises this and the damage that's been done.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 21/09/2019 21:02

Yeah, your new comments show I was right to retract that about your Dad. I'm not saying he does have NPD but hmm.

How long where your mum and dad physically together for?

changedmynametothis · 21/09/2019 21:07

On and off 11 years - he worked away during the week and mum always said that's the only reason the marriage lasted so long!

OP posts:
75Renarde · 21/09/2019 21:12

Yes, that's probably true.

Your Dad buggering off after the relationship ended is telling.

As is your mums 5 (?) Marriages.

Your youngest two sisters also distancing themselves is telling.

And...I'm sorry to have to explicitly say this but given your mothers lack of boundary recognition for continually loudly shagging at times, I'm would not like to put money on all of the siblings being full siblings.

I'm sorry Flowers

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 21:16

75Renarde I would love to understand the conclusions.

OP - what home truths did your DD tell her aunt? What is the context?

Do you agree with these home truths?
Are they your DD’s home truths or yours?
Do you believe she should have done this / what provoked it / what was the aim?

Do you like your sister? Is she reasonable?

If you believe your DSis and DM are irrational narcs do you think that you would be best teaching your DD how best to manage such characters (Grey Rock, LC/NC)?

75Renarde · 21/09/2019 22:50

Yup. All of what @Inishoo says!

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