Has anyone else never had a relationship with their Dad ?

[FirTree31]

Never any relationship apart from a few fleeting visits when I was a teenager, I'm 31 now. My mum, who was in a relationship with a man who hit my brother and I for twelve years, told me last night that my Dad was never interested in me and just wanted to fuck off. I know that to be the case, it just feels awful her saying it.

How does anyone else find this? How do you think it's impacted your life?

I don’t have any relationship with mine either . Don’t know where he lives or whether he is alive or dead .
But I’ve never known any different. Met him a few times as a teen and I didn’t get on with him .
I don’t dwell on it

Your mum sounds delightful.

My relationship with my father has been strained since I was around 11. I now barely see him. Last time was my mum's funeral Feb 18.

It was hard to understand a lot of his actions. Mum too. I reached a point where my feelings towards both of them is apathetic.

I focus on being better for my children.

Indeed she is! That's part of it I think, I feel slightly cheated out of both parents, she's still the same now.
My Dad popped in and out when I was younger too, a few times he took me to woman's houses he was having affairs with after he remarried.
It seems to have Impacted me quote substantially, I chose th wrong men, I'm a single parent, I feel a huge sting when I see other Dad's with their families. I've fucked up, and it's impacted my children.

As a child and now as an adult you have been v badly let down by both of your parents. Not sure who is worse the abandoning Dad or the Mum who exposed her children to physical abuse by a violent man. Actually just as I am typing that it is obviously. Maybe that’s why your Mum made that comment.

This will have left you with emotional deficits - so prioritise getting these healed - for yourself, for your relationships and your children.

My dad's never given a fuck about me or his granddaughter.

Loves his wife and other two daughters.

I have major issues about it.

If my own dad can't love me, why would any other man? I don't believe dp when he tells me he loves me.

Your mum sounds bitter. Probably understandably as the next partner she chose seems to have been equally shite. But her bad choices are nothing to do with her children, she chose these partners herself.

Your dad was maybe just not ready for the huge responsibility being a father brings. Perhaps that’s why he did just go. Too young perhaps?

My friends kids’ father was like that. Would plan seeing them round when he didn’t have a date/chance of a shag from some burd. Then cancel in his own kids if a chance arose, leaving them crying. Or drag them on a date with his latest steady girlfriend so he could see them or more likely pretend he was dad material to get into his latest flings bedroom later. Once he had dropped his unfed children off when he was supposed to feed them a proper meal. Pathetic.
He is now repeating the pattern with his grandchildren. Their mothers have been through it all and know exactly how the kids feel. Gutted. As they felt that too. He never found happiness incidentally as he was too consumed with thinking with his dick to think with his head and went through three wives who all divorced him as he was a drunkard and a cheater.

So perhaps you have been better off without your dad if that’s all he was capable of. It’s sad really.

And even if you did choose a lovely guy to be the father of your children, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. So don’t blame yourself too much for them not having one of the fab dads that exist. There are very few and I’m sure they have their faults also.
I’m sure you are all your dc need. And you will never hurt them like you were hurt by your fathers absence or by your stepfathers beatings. What a bastard.

You could try counselling to move forward. It does help.

Never met mine, he left when DM was 7 months pregnant with me (and DB was 3 years old) for the OW and he never looked back. No Christmas or birthday cards, no contact whatsoever apart from the measly bit of maintenance the courts made him pay in the divorce. I've never even seen a photo (think DM probably burnt them) and wouldn't know him if I walked past him in the street.

And yes, it affected me hugely. I think I felt fundamentally unlovable (by men specifically) because I was desperate for male attention from a very early age. I made a lot of bad decisions and looking back (I'm 44 now) I can see I had no respect for myself at all, my entire sense of self worth was based on whether men wanted me.

It makes me really sad, the damage he did simply by not being there. I was rejected by my own father before I was even born and I don't think that can fail to have a huge impact. It sounds twee but it was meeting DH that changed things for me, he showed me respect despite me having none for myself and I suppose that taught me I was worthy of it after all.

I'd be a liar if I said it doesn't still hurt when I think about it, but I don't think about it very often anymore. He has missed out hugely, on both his DC and DGC growing up and that's his loss. I'm not so generous that I don't hope it hurts him and weighs on his conscience every day of his life though, he deserves that.

Im not really sure i agree with being a single parent being a failure....

Surely a failure would be to stay a attached to a wanker and not have the bottle to go it alone.

Never had any dealings with mine and not affected.

Never had a relationship/ met my dad. He also died when I was quite young.

My mum and dad were married and had emigrated to Australia when they had me. I've been told both were having affairs, apparently I have a half sister out there the same age as me, I don't know why they then went on to have my younger brother after both fleeing back to the UK when it wasn't working out.

I've too lack respect and love for myself, beneath other people, unlovable and just plain melancholic. I have made terrible relationship choices, well not all, but some, I have been physically and sexually abused by bfs.

I've never met my father.

It's had a huge affect on me and sadly I seek self-worth through the attention of men, probably because I've never had any acknowledgement from what should have been the most important man in my life.

Shame really, I'd love to meet him even, but it would open up a huge can of worms in my family as no one ever talks about him, so I've never looked into finding him.

I wouldn't know if my dad was dead, sometimes I wish that he was to make it feel slightly easier, it wouldn't be an active choice he was making then.

I was 5 when my parents split up up to the age of about 18 I saw him twice a year around my birthday and around xmas I never went to his house I never saw him alone he used to pick me up with his girl friend and take me shopping for a few hours, as a child I thought it was amazing because he would buy me all the things my mum and step dad wouldnt( because they couldnt afford to because they spent all their money keeping a roof over my head food on the table and clothes on my back).
I left home at 18 and had a baby at 19 he used to send me money but I didnt really see him he came to my house when ds was born I lived there 5 years and he visited that once. I moved when ds was 18months and lived in that house 20 years he visited me there once.
As I child I thought he lived really far away it's about 15 miles. I used to visit him with my children maybe once or twice a year but it felt very awkward.
Shortly after my parents split up he met someone else with a child a few years older than me, the first time I met her was at my dads funeral. He was a much better father to her and grandfather to her children and that makes me sad they all have amazing happy memories of him that I dont have. I've never spoken to any of them since his funeral, apart from on fb.
I'm feeling extra emotional about it because I'm having a day out in the town he used to live in today and have driven past the house we lived in till I was 5. I wish I'd had a better relationship with him I feel really sad I didnt know him and my children didnt know him, my eldest put a picture of himself of fb and one of them put that he looks just like his grandad.
Theres so many things I wish we'd talked about. It makes me sad that really we only lived a short distance apart. I invited him to my wedding and all the childrens christening, he came to the eldests but that's it.im lucky because my step dad is amazing he is my dad and hes an fantastic grandad to my children.
I hate it when you go the the doctors and they ask about medical history and I have to say I know nothing about my paternal side. Every one said he looked like Francis rossi I was in asda a few weeks ago and just burst into tears when I saw Francis rossis autobiography with a big picture of him on the front. I've always felt rejected and that I dont belong anywhere.

Left when I was 3. No contact since.

I don't want any. I don't care if he is alive or dead I have no interest and it wouldn't make me feel
Anything either way.

I do know that I definitely don't want any contact with him or to know anything about his life.

If he was worth knowing he would of made the effort.

Someone who doesn't make the effort with their children isn't worth my time whether that be my "Dad" or any other male who does the same.

This ^^ is actually the most headspace I've ever given him, writing that.

Yes. I did see him sporadically until I was 11 but I was never close to him, never felt affection for him. He was not a good father, has 5 children with 4 different women and sees none of them. He has also been in prison numerous times.

I don't know where he lives now but I expect it's in the same city. I have been NC since a teenager.

Day to day it doesn't affect me, I don't feel sad or that I missed out on anything. I have a great relationship with my mum and she is wonderful.

I think it has affected my relationships with men though. I tend to go for the "damaged" ones as a way to keep in control of the situation. I HAVE to be in control when I'm in relationship, probably because I had no control over the relationship with my dad. I never let myself be vulnerable.

I am very aware that I have these issues and after splitting with DS's dad 5 years ago I have made a conscious decision not to date until (if) I ever manage to work through it.

I've never met mine, so no relationship at all.
It doesn't bother me. I just think I'm a decent person, I have my mum and step dad, aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins... I've never missed out on not having a father.
Some people will say "what's it like knowing he doesn't love you?" BUT he's never met me so he has nothing to love or not to love. I've done nothing wrong with regards to him, so other than when it comes up on Internet forums I don't ever think about him 😂.
DS did ask me once many years ago and my Mum said she'd give me details if I wanted to try and find him. I can honestly say I didn't want to

When my mum was pregnant with me she escaped her shitty marriage taking my older brother with her. My dad was a cruel abusive bastard and she'd had enough. He went off with his OW who it turns out, he abused for the rest of their married life. My mum never tried to stop contact but he wasn't interested anyway and the very few times we met were instigated by my paternal Grandmother. My brother got in contact with him in adulthood, he had become a popular pillar of the community for his sterling community work, there's even a bench dedicated to him in a local park. All the while he was knocking 7 bells out of his wife. He died 3 years ago, I wasn't sad, I was relieved. As to wether it effected me, in my teens I started going out with a lad who unbeknown to me had a tendency to be violent, as soon as I found this out I ran a mile, it's has made me hypersensitive over the type of people I allow to get close to me, and that people are not always what they seem. Sometimes interactions between friends and their SOs will make my hackles rise. Luckily the man I've spent the last 20 years with is the opposite of my dad, kind, loving, forgiving and always there for his family. Growing up was financially tough on my mum, brother and I but the alternative had my mum stuck with him doesn't bear thinking about.

I grew up believing my step Dad was my Dad. I was told when I was about 9. But he didn't make any effort and he was a stranger to me so I had no interest.
I still hadn't any interest. But about a year ago we began emailing. We probably would never have got past my defenses and mistrust if we had met in real life. I discovered a man who was very much like myself.
He was open about his past. His life of drug and alcohol abuse. Lots of things from his past. He said he wouldn't lie to me. I don't think he did. He stayed away from his children rather than hurt them. By the time he had got clean and sorted his life out. He had lost everyone he loved. Although he never actually tried to reconnect. He says he used to ask my late step Dad about us. I realise now he watched us from afar. Sat at the back at my school plays unbeknown to me. He semt me the photos. He seems like a man trying to atone.
I said I forgive him which seemed to mean everything to him.I am still not ready to meet him. I am not comfortable thinking of him as my "Dad". My dp knows to refer to him as my mate. But we are making baby steps.

Hi op. I haven't seen my dad since I was 11, so well over 30 years now. It has never been something that upset me as I made the choice to cut contact. My parents separated when I was very young and my siblings and I saw him at weekends.

He was always selfish, lazy and a womaniser (we frequently were told to lie to his partners when he was cheating on them with other women).

I have no regrets. He did send me a letter when I was 20 telling me, among other things, I have a chip on my shoulder but it didn't bother me. He was incredibly neglectful and when I think of it it now social services would definitely have been involved if it all happened now.

When I see other parents with children it really highlights how neglectful my father was. It wasn't an easy childhood, but I'm incredibly resilient and doubt I would be if he hadn't been such an arse during the time he was in my life.

Dont have a relationship with mine either.

He beat my mum and his a scum bag

SherbertHerbert what a story. I hope you both find some comfort.

@Hellohah I could have written your post, almost word for word. I have never knowingly met or had any contact with my biological father. I know almost nothing about him, I have never made any attempt to find out where he lives or contact him (wouldn’t know where to start) and I have no idea if he is alive or dead. He was never interested in me, so why on earth should I be interested in him?

He is a complete non-issue in my life, and I very rarely think about him. That might change if I found out he was a terminally ill multi-millionaire, of course......

Mine left before I was born and I have no idea if he's alive or dead. Last heard 57 years ago went back to his own country.
I feel let down as if I didn't matter. I wanted to meet him when I was younger but there is no curiosity there now at all.
As far as I'm concerned he is no more than a sperm donor.

Mine could never be bothered once he met his cheap bit on the side. He was meant to see me every Friday evening. I remember the crushing disappointment as a 4 and 5 year old waiting in the window and him not showing. It could be every two weeks or every six weeks, depends how I fitted into his new life. When I was ten his son was born and I was rejected even more. I knew from 11 I didn't want anything to do with him and at 23 once I had moved far away I found the strength to cut all contact. He doesn't know I'm married, have children or have moved nearer home and am only 45 mins away from him.

My dad was never around growing up. I was glad my mum was honest and told me he wasn’t interest and just fucked off. Too many kids build up absent dads in their heads to be something they are not and even idolise them. I would rather the truth. I started seeing my dad again after he had a stroke when I was 21 I’ve put it behind me that he was never around growing up and we have regular contact now.