Help me find my angry...

[Mum2Girls90]

DP and I split after a long rocky relationship. 3 years separation. Drugs. EA. Thought he’d changed during those 3 years and gave it another go. 2 DD’s together. He had a baby with another woman during our separation. I took him and tried my hardest to accept this other child in to our family.
Our relationship hit a wall after our daughter disclosed SA and we had to go through court etc. We then split after I could no longer tolerate his immaturity, drugs became frequent again and he would regularly fly off the handle.

I’m trying to continue co-parenting, he came to an evening meeting at our daughters school last week. He had an argument with his daughters mum before we left. Anyway, he was seething that she had “lied” about being with someone. So I cracked a joke about him being jealous and did he hope he was in with another chance with her. He said... “well if she opened her legs I wouldn’t say no”.

I literally can’t get the comment out of my head. It was like a stab in the heart. Our split was amicable but I’ve spent most of my life with this man. We’re both 29. Together on/off almost 14 years. He’s been with a few women during our splits whereas I stayed on my own.
When I see him with our children I feel this sense of sadness that our family didn’t work out yet again. Then the pain of him trying to run back to his ex hurts me even more.

I’m just a little confused. He always told me that I’m controlling and self important. I made him miserable. And I never take responsibility for anything. This has had a very negative impact on my self esteem as I hold back from saying anything in case that’s how I’m viewed as an abusive perpetrator.
My friends would say I’m none of those things. I do have issues with control due to trauma but my only issues with him was the drugs.

I need to find my angry that I wasn’t in the wrong for being upset that he’d made a comment I found really hurtful.

He is awful. Absolutely awful. He has zero respect for you.

Get this abuser out of yr life.

Am I right that you are not together now? If so his utter fucknugget behaviour & stupid comments are not within the context of a relationship now?

I hope that’s right. If so just try & look at it from the perspective of how lucky you are to have seen sense and extracted yourself from that situation. Sadly he will be in your life because of the kids (although if drugs and emotional abuse are his thing how is he still allowed to see the kids? & you say your daughter disclosed ‘SA’ - is that sexual abuse!? Of her or you by him? In which case surely he shouldn’t be involved at all?).

Essentially though, whatever he says or does should be irrelevant to you - he’s proved he is worthless and nasty so his thoughts, opinions and whatever he does with his penis (as long as it’s not near you or god forbid your children) is something you desperately need to not care about. You must distance yourself for your own sake and if at all possible distance the kids too - you don’t want them to end up with men like him because he is their blueprint..

No we are no longer together.
Yes SA was sexual abuse (triggers to write it) by a member of my immediate family. He definitely wouldn’t in their life if it was him.

Drugs are an every few weeks thing which would result in binges and come downs that felt like FOREVER!
My daughters have fairly good self esteem, I try my hardest to fight their corner and build them up.
It hurts me they have a such shit role model. I had the same. Surprise surprise.

I think you threw your lot in with a rather immature man child and now you are seeing the wood for the trees.

He has the nerve to call you the abusive one when all along it is him! Let that make you angry.

Think about the life you’d like to build, the woman you want to be, the sort of life you want to live and ask, is he REALLY likely to be that man? It does not sound like it. It sounds like he wants other women, wants to be immature etc and you are to just say nothing and pick up the pieces. It does not sound like he wants to be a father or a family guy.

I’d knock it on the head, draw a line under it and start planning for the future….

He's a horrendously abusive narcissist. There is no coparenting with men like this, they just use their children to continue the abuse of you and control you and your DC. Please don't take anything he says seriously (or to heart). What he is doing is called projection, gaslighting and devaluation. It's very common for abuse men to accuse you of being the abusive one when it is very clearly them. He is also triangulating you by talking about the other mother of his child. He feeds of creating chaos and jealousy in you.

My exH was like this and ultimately me and my DC had to go NC. He was incapable of being civil with me, incapable of being a responsible parent, incapable of putting his DC first and incapable of letting me move on with my life (would literally try to attack any new partner I had).

Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and also listen to Little Shamen on YouTube. It will explain his motives very clearly and trust me, when you finally understand why he behaves the way he does, you will feel nothing but anger (and possibly pity) for him but you will learn how to distance yourself from what he says and does and realise that none of this is about how you do and don't behave. He was like this long before he ever met you and treats everyone poorly (shown by his disgusting comments re his ex mother of his child).

You need to protect your DD from this man. He will never put them first and will only ever use them as a pawn in his twisted games against you.

Try and arrange supervised contact where you dont have to be there, ask for separate meetings at school if possible and look up 'grey rock' communication so you stop giving him narcissistic supply by your reactions to what he does and says.

My heart goes out to you because parenting with these dickheads is truly impossible but when you learn what motivates him to behave this way, you will learn to detach. P.S you have every right to be fucking livid with how he has treated you and your DC.

OP you sound lovely & very self aware - you can break the pattern, be open and honest about things with your daughters later on, when they are an appropriate age, about how they deserve better. Then apply that to yourself, because you do.

It doesn’t matter if he’d shag his ex or any other unfortunate woman who he dupes into thinking he’s worth it - look forward not back and let him go, spend your energy and time building your future and making a better one for your children. Every time he makes a comment like he did just think ‘there he is, proving I was right to not be with him because he is a massive bellend’. Hope things work out

Oh I’ve had that thought repeatedly over this last week @chipsandgin. He held back child maintenance and lied that he hadn’t been paid (his SIL pays his wages and told me he had been). Even tried letting the kids down on his weekend so I told him I’d wait outside his with our daughters so he could explain to them. He eventually picked them up.
I’m so done with fighting with him.

My future does look bright, I work PT, studying a degree in psychotherapy and look after my girls sole handedly. He works max of 3 days a week if he can be bothered and never a penny to his name.

I just have a bad habit of trying to change the evident behaviour, always hoping for a different outcome. Our eldest daughter is 11 and she’s clocking on to his behaviour rather quick.

I guess I didn’t heal myself as much as I thought last time, honestly believed he’d changed and thought I’d knew the signs. Well I did, but after another 2 years!

Is it sil’s company. Can she pay you
Out of his wage?

@c0untDucku1a
It’s her partner’s company (ex’s brother) but I doubt she would involve herself enough to do that.
Even though she sees his behaviour, there’s also the element of that she’s related to him that I remain mindful of.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave

Thank you! I google searched the book last night and read a small piece. It hurt to read it.