Would you have a 4th child together - blended family

[Lorddenning1]

Me and partner have had talks about having more children in the future, it's not going to happen any time soon but we had the chat of where we both stand on having a child together.
Background - I have 2 DS, 8 and 2, who go to their dads every other weekend. He has a DD who is also 2 and he has her every weekend.
I am 32 and he is 29. I have PCOS and it took me 2 years and fertility drugs to have my 2nd.
He had his DD after a kind of one night stand and she stopped him from being involved and he had to go to the courts to get a court order to see his little one, he missed out on the first year of her life.
Although we have only been together for a year, I was friends with him before then, we have had the chat about children.
The plan is to move in together in a year or so (he stays at mine a lot already now).
For me the thought of my age and fertility issues scares me a bit and I wouldn't like to go past the age of 35 and then have another, I had my kids in my early and late 20s. He has never had the experience of trying and going to scans and being at a birth or night feeds etc the usual newborn stuff and would like to have another.
We agree that not having another baby wouldn't break us as we have 3 children between us and the blended family is working quite well at the minute, so we don't have to have one for the sake of it, but he thinks it would be great for us to have one of our own in the future.
Me on the other hand thinks about the cost of childcare and going right back to the beginning again.
I have always wanted a big crazy loud family as I came from one, and I wouldn't want to look back and regret not having one, and be too old to have a baby. I keep thinking that so what if we pay childcare for another 4 years, it's not forever and I loved being pregnant.

Sorry if this is all rambling on, just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings down about it?

What would you do in my situation, at the minute I said I wouldn't rule it out and see how we feel in a few years time and then make a decision then, has anyone else had a baby in a blended family? Did U feel complete? Did it make ur family more complete?

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.
TIA

Honestly I think it is way too soon to be thinking about this.
I’d put the idea on the back burner and focus on really getting to know him properly and also on the kids you already have

@Rainbowqueeen I agree as having two 2 year olds is hard work :) they do get on great too, but we had the chat to see where we bite stood as I think u have to be on the same page with these things, I don't want to get down the line and find out then that we both did or one of us didn't, or do we both need to just chill and see how we feel in the future?

*both stood

I think it's quite sensible that you are talking about it now rather than way down the line. He wants another child and he knows you might not so it's fair enough that he wants to talk about it now before you get deeper into the relationship.

Make sure you talk about all if the other stuff too.

Money being the big one. Will you be able to afford it? Four children is a lot. The families I know who have what is considered to be a big family have to make financial sacrifices in other areas. Obviously it depends on how much you earn. But cars and number of bedrooms need to be thought about.

Childcare. Who is going to bear the brunt of this?

Don't let the only discussions about having another baby be about the baby part. The scans etc.

It's good to discuss the future and know where you both stand but he shouldnt be thinking of having a baby to right a wrong regarding his daughter. I say that nicely as DH said he had a similar experience with DSS (now teen) but when we had DD he was completely shell shocked. She was my first so we were always planning a child but I think he's realised that DD is a very different little person. Also 3 DC is already a lot of commitment so I would be reluctant to have a 4th.

Hmm. I don't know if you can decide with anything approaching accuracy yet. You're not really a blended family yet as you're not living together. If I'm working this out right your kids only have a maximum 2 days out of 14 together (the weekends your two aren't at their dad's?) and it'll be all fun and trips out, not the usual being bored together at home since you all don't live together. I don't think you can decide based on that. Perhaps in a couple of years when your relationship is ready for holidays together with all the kids etc you can reassess how a baby will affect the dynamic.

He has his own house and i rent mine, so me and the kids will be moving in with him in a few years, we are going to have to extend the house in order for them to all have their own rooms, but even writing it all down, sounds like we are rushing it all, we are not doing any of it yet, just planning for the future, so we will have a 4 bedroom house to live in, but yes u are right as we are not actually proper living together yet it's hard to judge what it will be like all under one roof. The kids all see each other at least twice a week, as he brings her round after work for a couple of hours to see them.
So far it's all going well, apart from the odd ex drama.
For me money is the big one as nursery costs so much, his mum does have his little one twice a week to help out as she is retired so that might be an option but it's still a lot to shell out.
He said as he had no experience with New borns, he doesn't really know what he is missing, having them nothing to compare it to, so you can't pine after something you never had, like I said it's just discussions at the minute that we have had.

A newborn is a newborn for about five minutes. My dds are teenagers now and years and years I have standing at a freezing football pitch twice a week and my other dd does netball on a FRIDAY NIGHT at 8:30. A Friday bloody night. 😭 It sounds like he's idealised the parenting with his newborn talk whereas you can be more realistic as you already have two dc and one of them is 8 so you know it's not easy.

How is he with his own dd now? Does he do things on his own with her like take her swimming?

He has been seeing her for over a year now and before we got together he used to take her out all the time at play centres and for little walks and days out, we do a lot more now together and take them all out on days out, we even went for a weekend away in the summer with them all, he is a really good dad and I love watching their bond grow, he does more with his little girl than my ex does with our two.
In my eyes I don't think we need a baby to make us feel like a family and with the fertility issues I have, I know it won't be straight forward and I am 3 years older than him etc
It's just talks for now but it's got my cogs turning. When I was with my ex I did want a 3rd child and he didn't and I did get upset that my youngest was going to be my last baby, but at the min I feel like we have the best of both worlds as now I have a little girl to play with too, she is such a sweet little girl :)

I did although my DH doesn’t have any other children so we’re not really a ‘blended family’. I have three DC to previous marriage and we decided to try for one together about three years into our relationship. After two missed miscarriages, we got there and had our DS 10 months ago. My DC adore him and thankfully it’s all worked out really well. I wouldn’t have done it if I thought it would harm my DC in any way or if I had any reservations about my relationship with DH.

I’d say wait at least two years, if you still get along after moving in together then think about trying.

It would be better for all your current children not to have another. Both emotionally and practically/financially.

Your oldest is just getting into the really expensive age range ime. Just imagine when you've got three at school paying £150 a term for school dinners each, swimming lessons, football subs, 3 set of school uniforms, all the constant £10 for school trips and £1s for Comic Relief in primary and the secondary school sending home letters about £2k trips to New York
And then you've also got a baby, you're having to work part time, £££ in childcare, bigger house, bigger car, twice the expense to go on holiday as you won't all fit in one room etc.

Also you currently have three happy, healthy children between you. What if your new baby was twins or triplets? Born with serious health issues? The pregnancy/birth leaves you with serious health issues? While you're imagining a perfect newborn to add to your family you take the risk that it could be a very different scenario.

I do understand you to an extent (without the complication of the blended family) as I have 3 dc aged 2-9, and would love a another gorgeous newborn. But, it's all those issues about time, space, money. Managing homework and clubs for two in school, finally everyone sleeps all night, everything is so expensive! Going back to another newborn would be really hard.

Definitely give it a couple of years though and see how you feel. Maybe once you are all settled into life as a family of 5 a new baby won't seem so necessary.

Personally I wouldn't do it.

How it would stand for the future is we would have 2 kids all the time and a 3rd at the weekend.
He doesn't have a mortgage to pay for so that's good, they would all be at school so only breakfast and after school club to pay for. We both work full time and earn around average money. We would have a nice life together and depending on how the days fall, we could have a couple of child free nights a few times a month. We would have a nice house and a holiday every year and the children would not go without.
He makes me very happy and treats me really well, my ex is a narcissist (not a mumsnet narc) but a full on Narc, so it's refreshing to meet abnormal guy and have a normal relationship :) it's also nice to plan for the future and the life we want is the life I have always dreamed of :)

And hand on heart I think it's prob best if we don't have anymore as like u have described above, there is the cost, the stress etc and I wouldn't want it to change our life for the worst, we shall see how we feel in the future, I have told him I wouldn't rule it out and see how we both feel.

*a normal guy, not abnormal :

I would want to be married before trying for another baby personally. Up to you of course, but its very early days to really be considering this.

Was on the exact same position as you.
Our 4 child has just turned 24 and passed his degree with good grades

All doing fine and all left the nest.

Been married 21 years and couldn't be happier.

@elizalovelace there has been talk of marriage too, but way in the future, he never wanted to get married ever, but that was before he met me :) and yeah I agree too early to be thinking of it now x

@Robin2323 how did u make the decision, did u both think it would complete u etc

OP you need to experience living together first before you decide. How many times on step patenting board has a 'perfect' blended family fallen apart after they moved in.

Surely no one misses night feeds? I think he has some preconceived magical ideas about the newborn/pregnancy stage. The reality will be that you will be very busy with three DC and the newborn will just have to slot into your lives. There will be little time for enjoying antenatal appointments and newborn bouts of colic.

@cardamoncoffee I agree :) it's nice to plan for the future but who knows what we are going to feel like in 3 or 4 years time.

I'm currently at the toddler stage and omg :( I would swap to a new born stage any day, toddlers are savages

My dd was 4.5 and out of nappies at school.

My dss we're 9 and 10 and we Were all together every other week end.

My dh loves children and is great with new Borns.

Dh has made noises about s baby after we got engaged but o said I wasn't ready at that point.

Anyway we had a happy accident and I was thrilled.

Ds was born at 34 and as been absolute joy.

I never saw him as completing us but dh said he would be the 'glue' that held the family together. I really didn't much about that - BUT in many ways I can't explain he sort of is.

It is the most happy , stable young man you could wish to meet. And he is a very calming person.

He's just wonderful (as they all are).

On the early days we had to be careful with money. But the kids were always happy and never went without.

Though I didn't buy many new clothes back then and rarely bought / alcohol.

I miss those little People even though they are brilliant adults :)

34 weeks (4 10)