Did anyone have a promiscuous parent growing up and did it bother you?

[ILikeMyCoffee]

I’m not sure if promiscuous is the right word for the title but couldn’t think of an appropriate word! Don’t want to offend anyone, and I’m definitely not blaming women only.

I had a pretty rough childhood as my dad was an alcoholic and there was DV, police calling round etc. When my mum finally divorced him I was late teens. She had gotten really into internet chat rooms and meeting men and she even went on holiday with another man before my dad had even moved out (leaving me behind with a volatile alcoholic).

After her divorce she began seeing a married man on the other side of the city. He would drive over and spend the weekend at our house, Friday night to Sunday morning.. my mum used to get annoyed that he would never contribute money to any food or alcohol over the weekend as his wife might spot the money coming out of the account. I think he used to tell his wife that he did martial arts over the weekend when he was at my mum’s. Luckily there were no children involved.

At the same time she was seeing another man for dates in the week, sometimes he would come over to our house but mostly they would go out for dinner and come back roaring drunk. So in my late teens to age 21 I had this strange situation where two different men were coming over and I had to make small talk with each of them without mentioning the other man! There was also a third man on a couple of occasions, and I believe a few others that I didn’t meet. I started seeing my now DH at around this time and he was quite baffled as he would also be making small talk with the different men depending which one was round.

I also was not allowed to mention the first man to my mum’s best friend as she knew his wife. So if that friend called the landline and I answered I had to be very cagey about my mum’s activities.

In the end the first man’s wife found out what was happening because she hired a private detective to follow him at the weekend. I was told not to talk to any neighbours or strange people as the mad wife was being crazy and spying on them. The whole thing was unnerving for me as a very young woman. These days, years later my mum and the first man are still together and are all divorced and ‘above board’. I don’t like the man at all if I’m honest as not only is he a cheat but he is also a cocklodger.

My mum and I have a difficult relationship now and even though I don’t judge her for needing to let her hair down after her awful marriage I do feel like my late teens felt unstable. Now I have DC of my own I cannot imagine displaying this behaviour.

I also ended up having a DC at 23 years old, which has been great for me but my mother has always complained I was too young. I think I was craving a ‘family unit’ in amongst all the dysfunction.

I think I have problems with trust, partly because of the childhood stuff but also because of this, even though I was technically an adult when all this was happening. Has anyone else been through similar or have any insights?

A very interesting topic. My mother also behaved similarly when I was a teenager (both before and after she divorced my father), most of which I knew about as she wasn’t exactly discreet. I think it did destabilise me and make me crave male attention even more. The strangest part was that my mother could be very disapproving and prudish of others, especially her daughters. I think the contrast was very confusing for teenage girls and has led to problems in my adult life. I still crave male attention but tend to attract abusive and/or avoidant men and find it almost impossible to trust.

Yes, my mother was/is also very disapproving of others. They live in an area that has been deprived for a while (although on the up now) and for years both of them have been terribly disparaging of the people who live around them. They portray themselves as virtuous though.

Mum and Dad separated.
I spent each weekend that he could be bothered to see me staying with him at whichever of his three girlfriends he was with that week. I had to keep quiet about the other women and remember to call them the correct name. He would also leave me with these girlfriends while he would go scouring the pubs for other women.He often rolled 'home' drunk with one in tow he'd thought to bring back with him and fighting would ensue between girlfriend and mystery 'friend'.
Mum knew about one girlfriend and always assumed it was there I stayed although she would interrogate me when I got back and hit me if she thought I was lying.

I do not trust anybody.

NC for this.

Yes when my parents seperated I was 15, their marriage had been on rocks for years and I know my mum had a sexual relationship with a work colleague during this.

She went on a dating binge and had a number of relationships over the three years before I left for uni. I was at home with my small brother (toddler and young school age) while she was out dating. I met all the men. Many of whom I didn't like. Her taste was really crappy. One guy had bi polar and my mums behaviour got increasingly erratic. Leaving us in bed at 3am to go and meet him.

A few years later she met a lovely man and they are still together now.

It affected our relationship a lot. I felt so let down by her but I would say it's more her ego centric ism rather than the promiscuity. She prioritised these relationships over me. Our relationship is amazing now but for years I was very hurt.

And knowing a lot about the sexual side was yuk but she was always a very open person so I was kind of used to it! I preferred the thought of her having sex with men who weren't my dad if that makes sense

I think it's shitty how they expected us to find this all normal.

I wouldn't have cared so much if she just met a guy to have sex and I knew nothing about it. But parading them around was vile

Atlasta That is awful, that sounds so stressful. What’s your relationship like now with your father? Do you think it affected how you trust people in adulthood?

Atlasta Just saw your second post saying you do not trust anybody, yes I totally understand that.

My step daughters mum had Mh issues , she had called rape on a few men but these turned out to be fabricated.
My step daughter came home from school aged about 14/15 to find her mum on her knees on her lounge giving a man a bj , which apparently she would do for cigarettes. and now
My sd inspite of all this put herself through uni and now has a good job and surprisingly did not go nc with her.

The strangest part was that my mother could be very disapproving and prudish of others, especially her daughters
she's allowed to go out and fill her boots, but oh no, no 'pleasures of the flesh for you'!

ILikeMyCoffee
I stopped going to seeing him when I was 15 and he moved away.Years went by and he got in touch last year ( one of his girlfriend's he still friends with lives locally and told him where I lived).
We had an awkward meeting and he has turned up at my door drunk when he's been to see her. I don't let him in. I don't want my DC to see this drunk and have him say he's my dad.
It's definitely affected me in that I trust nobody and I'm very paranoid and always assume people are telling me lies.
I also always feel on-edge and it's rare I feel relaxed.
My poor oh and dc!

Definitely agree with the egocentrism being the problem rather than promiscuity. I actually don’t have a problem with promiscuity per se, in my case the issue is being brought in as an accessory to the deceit wIthin someone’s marriage IYSWIM? I felt grubby. I must admit I felt embarrassed too, eg when I had to explain it to my (now) DH.

Yes similar story here. My Dad died when I was 13 though both were pub landlords and having affairs before he died. I remember being sat down when I was about 8 and told Mum was moving in with someone else but then he never turned up. After Dad died she went reallly wild and I never knew who would walk out of her room in the morning. It also made me crave stability and be afraid of being left even though I’ve now been married 30 years. She had always put men before us though she is now married to a nice guy.

My mother was similar. Not exact same circumstance but changed partners frequently.

She always put them as a priority and allowed terrible treatment of her children in favour of these men. Only really starting to realise now what she did and am starting to resent her as I am having my own child soon and I could never prioritise a partner over my son.

Not extrwme like somebof these but y mother had numerous affairs when I was a child. My father was a quiet soul. They separated when I was 12 because father had an affair aftervyears of being messed about and was hence taken to the cleaner. SF 1 was a fairly decent chap if impressionable (younger, more debonair version of my father) SM1 was uber glam and younger than mother. Both short lived.

Mother left SF 1 for SF2 who was much more exciting, handsome and as rough as a badger's arse. Father met SM2 years later and deopped dead ahortly after finding happiness for the first time in his life.

I was lucky. We had money and I had exceptional maternal grandparents.

I'm nearly 60 now. Married for approaching 30 years.

I survived. I'm a resilient old bat and despite the shame and embarassment I always had a nice home, and plenty of everything what did it teach me? You never ever, ever never, mess your children about.

My mother hates being single. When her and my dad (her second husband) spilt up when I was 5 she would regularly trawl the singles ads in the papers or place adverts herself. She went on loads of dates and brought pretty much everyone of them home.

She was engaged probably 6 times before marrying my first step father when I was 11. He was violent and was removed by the police. She was back with the personal ads within weeks! Several dates (including a fling with a married man) and a couple more engagements later she married again when I was 19. That was her longest marriage/relationship. When he became terminally ill she started looking for her 4th husband. 🙄

There’s definitely a theme of putting partners before children. Makes me wonder if our parents had their own attachment issues from their childhoods.

Makes me wonder if our parents had their own attachment issues from their childhoods.

I know my mother did. Her own parents were awful to her. Her DM's sister died leaving a small child. Child was adopted by another sister. My grandmother told my DM (at 7yo) that if she had been able to adopt the baby they wouldn't have had her. My DM's older sister was the golden child, had piano lessons, new clothes, driving lessons, a car. My DM had nothing. She always treated us fairly with presents and clothes....and beatings. The cycle breaks with me!

I’m afraid you’ve just got a shitty mum. It’s nothing to do with being a prude. If she wanted to embark on a shagathon as a single lady fair enough but not right to rope the kids into it. Would say same for the Dad. No sexual decision going on here.

Proviso would be the non resident (usually man) parent gets more opportunities without the backlash but I’m clutching at straws now.

Your mum seems damaged. Be forgiving as you can but don’t excuse her. And don’t follow the same path. It’s difficult not to and difficult to break away from certain behaviour but do it!

Meant so sexual discrimination and not sexual decision. That’s just autocorrect and because I’m posting on the phone

My own mother wasn’t promiscuous but am still slightly traumatised going on a holiday with her alone after she dumped her partner (not my dad) for cheating on her.

Can still remember her fucking the random she met (presumably purely out of revenge) with her saying don’t worry he’s asleep when I wasn’t and could hear everything but as a kid didn’t want to pipe up ‘yes I’m awake and can hear everything and don’t want to listen to you fucking’.

Christ maybe it’s affected me more than I think! I’ve forgiven her because firstly she probably did think I was obliviously asleep, and secondly was one off. Still horrible though. I do think who would fuck someone with their kid in the same room? I wouldn’t

I’m sorry ladies you had to go through that!

Fortunately I was spared that and that was one bad thing I didn't do to my child but I do think that, as parents, we often don't realise the effects of our behaviour on our children.

I was looking for research on effects of a mom that's permiscuous (spelled wrong sorry ) could have on a male child both young and grown to maybe better understand why I am how I am and Saw your post and thought It interesting that you didn't seem concerned about anything that traumatized me growing up. Maybe because you were older or saw her in a actual marriage with your father or your a girl I don't know. But I was raised by my single mother who was a meth addict. She was very loving and did her best but needless to say had many problems that came with the meth use. My biggest concern was all the men. I've walked in on her countless times in the act I guess she didn't think to lock the door but 1st time I remember because I used to sleep in her bed and woke up during them having sex and after thar I started sleeping on the couch. See being a boy in a single mother house with no father figure you feel like your the man of the house and her constantly being with other men didnt sit well. I felt like I was being replaced. I Don't think of my mom in that way nor has anything like that ever took place i know how it sounds like I'm a jealous spouse or something and to be honest it almost feels like that. I've stabbed her an them having sex different times different men. I've obsessed and heard sex sound coming from her room when nobody was there. I used to cry and think she would catch aids or something and die. I did drugs too. Went in and out of juvenile hall and ran into many issues trying to live a normal life. My mom got clean but still chose to be with many men. Even sleeping with my best friend. Pretty much if there's guy around they've slept with her. My mom acts like it's no big deal and I should get over it. I developed skitso effective disorder in my olde age I'm 41 currently and a lot has to do with me thinking my wife is sleeping with other men when I leave or in different room's. I know it's not true but I can hear it so it's hard not to believe it. I feel sorry for my wife as I didn't get diagnosed with this till a few years into our marriage. The fact I am married is a Miracle because I never valued women how they should be valued as I saw them all as dirty as I see mom. Can't trust them or became to attached and overbearing and they would leave. Only through working on myself and facing these demons realizing why I think and do things I think I was able to find my beautiful wife and soul mate. The thing that hurts the most is my family acts like I should let things go or my sisters like it's nothing. But being the oldest it really did impact me then and does now. I have let it go so to say I dont throw it in her face like I used to and I stay away from my family for a big part this. How can i Forget when I live it everyday. I know you don't have the answers but maybe this will help someone reading it somehow. It a been interesting just getting it down on paper or pad whatever. Thanks for reading. If anyone can relate or give advice I'd love to hear it