Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh doesn't want this baby

14 replies

kettlequeen · 20/09/2019 16:45

About 8 months ago we decided we wanted another baby but we had a few plans so wouldn't start trying until after. My mental health took a bit of a dip and we both decided that now wasn't the right time. We've booked a holiday for next year and are working towards that as potentially being our time to start ttc. We got drunk 2 weeks ago and ended up not using protection but I took the morning after pill...I am now pregnant. Told him and his reaction was basically that we weren't having it, financial and emotional reasons. I said I'd only just found out so I wanted to process it but later on he said well are we both in agreement that a baby isn't a good idea? I said again that I need time to process it all! I have had a medical termination before and didn't cope very well afterwards, put a brave face on it though, he knows all this. He is now away with work until next week so at the moment I am in total limbo. I've cried when he can't see me but he's been acting totally normal, it's almost as if we're ignoring it around each other. Has anyone ever been in this situation before and can offer advice? I know in my heart what I want but at the same time I don't want this having an impact on my marriage. I know that either decision will have massive consequences but I'm absolutely beside myself at the moment because I can't tell anyone.

OP posts:
meccacos2 · 20/09/2019 17:03

I was in this situation.

He said he wanted a family and a future with me. I said the same - we agreed to wait.

Medication I was taking made me sick and the pill failed.

I got pregnant. He freaked out..... majorly.

Pretended it wasn’t happening. Cried to his siblings and started to reject me. Was adamant he didn’t want the baby.

Initially, I told him I wasn’t getting an abortion.

Then I realised I couldn’t take the baby to term with my health issues and without and help (mostly financial), I was also living with a family member who had become abusive.

He wouldn’t step up. I told him the relationship was over and that I had an appointment to schedule the termination.

We broke up. Then I begged him to look after us. Told him I wouldn’t ask for anything else and I meant it. I just wanted to give the baby a chance and that later if he felt the same (he couldn’t do it) then we could adopt him out. I had been looking for adoption places at this stage.

We agreed to wait until the scan to see if he was healthy. With the rationale of that if the little guy was healthy, we should give him a chance.

Something changed in him after he saw the first scan and could hear the heartbeat.

I ended up moving in with him, my health has improved greatly my condition flared with stress and I was being threatened and abused where I was living l.

Living with him has been lovely. We are happy. He is looking forward to the baby. He really wants to be a dad.

It was really really difficult.

But I persevered.

My health is better. The baby is healthy and I’m very visibly pregnant.

I am glad that we are going through this together.

I’ve read threads on here about abortion regret.

I knew I would regret having a termination.

Please think through all of your options 💕

kettlequeen · 20/09/2019 17:30

I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you've been having Thanks I'm so glad that things are looking up for you all though, congratulations Smile
We already have a 3yo who wasn't planned but he was absolutely amazing back then, that's why I'm so shocked that he has reacted like this. I'm hoping that the time away with work will get him thinking and all this doubt will go away. He hasn't asked me to look into termination yet so that's a positive I guess

OP posts:
MissBPotter · 20/09/2019 17:37

I would find it massively disappointing that his first thought was a termination when you’ve both agreed you want a baby, albeit this is a bit earlier than planned. Obviously it is your decision but I think it would be very bad for your mental health if you went ahead against your better judgement. I hope he reconsiders. Good luck op, what is he usually like?

OVienna · 20/09/2019 17:38

A three year old who wasn't planned and he's still unsure where babies come from? Forget it. I'd be having it. He has some nerve pressuring her.

OVienna · 20/09/2019 17:39

Pressuring YOU that is.

kettlequeen · 20/09/2019 17:46

@MissBPotter he's amazing with our 3yo, he's the best daddy and I couldn't ask for more for my child. This is what shocks me. But he hasn't mentioned anything since his last comment so I think he might be thinking things through. Not what I imagined at all, especially as he was the one who suggested having another all those months ago! I'm not great at confrontation so I don't want to mention anything at the moment, especially as it would only be over the phone. I sound pathetic don't I?! The more I think about this baby, the more I don't want to think about termination, it feels like I'm harming my baby even thinking about it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/09/2019 18:25

I think you should consider all the reasons why you thought it wasn't good timing to have a baby. None of those have changed. Try to think objectively not just emotionally

rvby · 20/09/2019 18:45

The relationship is likely pretty fucked now.

If you terminate it's unlikely you'll see him in the same way.

If you go ahead with the pregnancy, he may come around but if theres another tough time in the relationship, he'll most likely blame you for having the baby. Thats what men like this do. He sounds terrible at being responsible for things tbh.

If he doesn't come around, you're a single parent of two and he will blame you anyway. Your second child will know he was unwanted by his dad. Your first child will know his parents broke up because of the second child.

I'd terminate in a heartbeat and rethink the relationship.

My tuppence.
I certainly wouldn't listen to the advice of folk who have had partners seem to come around, but where the baby hasn't even arrived yet or the child is still small. They haven't come to the end of their story just yet iyswim.

Very shit situation and my heart goes out to you OP. Xx

BlueMoon1103 · 20/09/2019 19:46

My now ex wanted me to terminate. If I had the relationship would have been over either way as I’d have resented him. I now have my DS, I’m single but I wouldn’t change a thing. I think it comes down to what you want more to be honest, this baby or your marriage and only you know that.

Orangepearl · 20/09/2019 20:17

Men are transient your children are forever. If you want the baby have it.

GummyGoddess · 20/09/2019 20:22

Dc2 is from the same situation. Took MAP and everything. DH wanted to terminate and I refused. He now adores dc2 but it was almost the end of the marriage.

From my point of view, the options were abort and divorce from resentment, keep and divorce as he didn't want a baby right now or keep and stay together. The only 'winning' option for me was keeping my baby and hoping he would come around, and if he didn't then I wouldn't have to live with the regret of termination.

kettlequeen · 26/09/2019 14:48

Just a quick update if anyone was wondering...he came back from his week away with work with a bunch of flowers and an apology. He is ashamed that he reacted the way he did and was worried because he knew what was coming this time Hmm nevertheless, we're having a baby, both on the same page and can start making plans to move forward!

OP posts:
kettlequeen · 26/09/2019 14:49

Thank you for the replies x

OP posts:
AbbieLexie · 26/09/2019 14:53

Flowers for all of you

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.