Feel like I'm over reacting. Is this DV?

[Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady]

This morning DP threw a bunch of keys at me, infront of our child.

They hit me, I cried (shock as much as pain) our child cried and asked why had he done that.

Here's the context...

Rushing to leave the house to get to school. DP is going away for the weekend later. I was the last one out of the house and asked if he had the key to lock up. He said where are your keys? I said they were on the car key (I use the car 99% of the time so my house keys are on the same keyring)

He started getting cross and asked where the spare key was because he was taking the car for the weekend. I said I didn't know. He locked up with his keys and got in the car.

He started going on about how I would have to take his keys and I'm a nightmare for losing stuff. All the time we are getting later for school/work. I said let's sort it out later because he's not going until this evening but he kept going on.

So I snapped and raised my voice a bit and said "can we just get him to school and sort it out later?"

...so he threw a big bunch of keys at me.

I remembered a few minutes later where the spare key was BTW. And he's right I do misplace keys and stuff a lot...but when I'm rushing or stressed I sometimes forget where I've put something and then I panic because I know he's going to kick off which makes it even harder to remember. I just needed a minute to think where the key was.

Anyway, he apologised and I do think he feels really bad for throwing the keys but said I do misplace stuff all the time

How would you feel if this had been your morning?

Have you started a thread somewhere else about this OP?

It’s physical abuse. Metal keys thrown at you could have injured you. The act of throwing something at you - weaponising what he had to hand - was the violence expression of his anger at you.

What will it be next time?

I don’t personally think it sounds like domestics violence. He threw the keys at you because you needed them but obviously was in the wrong because they hurt you. It’s up to you if you can move past it or if it’s too far for you.

I think that’s awful behaviour, OP. No amount of forgetfulness gives him the right to attack you. And throwing a heavy bunch of keys is an attack.

I’m generally not someone who would say LTB, but in my eyes he’s marked his cards and such behaviour would really put a shadow over my trust and confidence in him as a partner.

He needs to apologise to you in front of your DC and explain that he knows what he did was wrong and hurtful. Kids mirror their parents’ behaviours.

And presumably he’s off on a jolly whilst you get to stay home and do chores and look after your DC all weekend. If that’s the case, why isn’t he making your time together more special, rather than acting like an aggressive asshole

Yes in AIBU, then realised it's more a relationship thing.

I didn't need the keys. I have my own keys they just happened to be attached to the car at that time , which is why I said we could sort it out later. He threw them because he was pissed off

It is a very shitty thing to do which shows tremendous disrespect and unkindness towards you, and lack of controlling one's temper--I'd expect it from a 3 year old but not an adult.

Is this part of a wider pattern? not necessarily going so far as physical acts.

It is domestic violence.

• Throwing the keys on the floor in a temper would be not great,
• throwing them to you when you're expecting it and likely to make the catch is fine,
• throwing them at you is violence.

There's a pattern in that he's always had a temper, a short fuse.

It's the first time it's ever been physical.

I suppose I feel I'm over reacting to be so upset because a) he's a lovely man and I love him very much, temper aside and b) there's women and men who go through far far worse.

I've named changed but if I hadn't and you looked back through my old posts yes I think you'd see a pattern

Ahh okay, apologies for getting that wrong. The fact they were intended to hit you does change things. I’m not sure what to suggest. I guess go with your gut really, do you want to stay with him knowing he threw them at you?

Op, sad to say this is the thin edge of the wedge IME. My abusive ex threw his phone at me hard enough to leave a welt on my back in a tantrum. it was only the second time he'd gotten physical in any way and we'd been together 7 years at that point. Obviously it 'was an accident' and he was terribly remorseful.

I didn't leave until he tried to strangle me.

All I can say is you need to step back and think whether a man that deliberately hurts you, and leaves you and your child constantly walking on eggshells due to the possibility he might have an angry temper tantrum, actually lovely? Abuse rarely presents as constant assholery - there's normally enough niceness chucked in to convince the victim that if only they didn't screw up any more, things would always be lovely. Except that these angry fuckers LIKE having you as a verbal and emotional punchbag, so they'll always find some reason to go off on one.

I'd suggest Lundy Bancrofts 'why does he do that' may help give some insight here - there are some good excerpts on this board as a start point.

Saying “I’m sorry, but...” is not an apology.

Don’t be tricked into minimising his behaviour. Nomatter how pissed of he was, he knew that throwing a set of keys at you would hurt, and he did it anyway.

It’s awful. Violently lashing out - it will get worse.

The depth of your love for him doesn’t change the fact that he is abusive.