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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t know him at all

20 replies

blearyeyes101 · 20/09/2019 00:58

I’ve just discovered a load of stuff on my husband’s phone. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. He has clearly been meeting up with women and men for sex for months. Sometimes paying them by the looks of it. He’s asleep on the sofa but it feels like there is a complete stranger in the house. It doesn’t feel real even to type it.

OP posts:

amethyst69 · 20/09/2019 01:38

I just want to say I understand what you are going through as I'm going through something very similar. You're likely feeling shock and like your world has imploded. Have you anyone close you can talk to. My sister has been rock over the last few days even if it's just to talk to someone when I've felt panic. .

Original poster

blearyeyes101 · 20/09/2019 02:07

That’s it exactly, I feel like the whole world has turned on its axis and the person I married never existed. I know I should try to sleep but my stomach is churning. I thought about telling my sister. But we have booked to go away together and, if I don’t ask him to leave, it would put her in a really uncomfortable position. We have children together and they adore him. I know that if he moves out they will suffer. I’m just not sure if I am robust enough to just ignore what I now know.

OP posts:

UnicornsExist · 20/09/2019 04:40

You can't ignore this or it will continue. Get all the evidence that you need, screenshots etc and send them to your phone. Then, when you are ready (in control) you are going to have to ask him what the hell is going on. Oh, and please get an STI check done for your own safety.

Sally2791 · 20/09/2019 05:55

Yes take screenshots otherwise he may try to bamboozle you with some nonsense stories to talk his way out of it. Try to keep as calm as you can in this horrible situation, and work out what you need and want. Start gathering financial information as well. And get the STI check. Very scary when people are not who you think they are.

OhioOhioOhio · 20/09/2019 06:22

Omg. How awful. You don't have time to feel sad. Or emotional.

He has broken your marriage contract. Get him out of your house by being armed with as much evidence as you can gather.

Motherofgirls3 · 20/09/2019 06:34

Firstly, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this! But arm yourself with all the evidence you can, wipe away your tears and confront him (when you're ready to). It may feel like your world has changed and is ending right now, but you'll look back on this in years to come and thank him for opening your eyes to his true colours and your self worth (take it from someone who has been through something similar). Hope you managed to get some sleep!

amethyst69 · 20/09/2019 06:38

I hope you managed a little sleep. As others have said get proof. You may find even with proof he might deny as mind did but stay strong. You will get through this but I know that right know you feel like you won't. I understand that x

Original poster

blearyeyes101 · 20/09/2019 09:15

I just don’t know what to do. He got up and left the house like it was any other day. I took the kids to school. But now i’m completely lost.

OP posts:

Goodnightjude1 · 20/09/2019 09:20

What a horrible shock for you OP. I hope whatever you decide to do, you find the strength to do it. From experience, your children will give you that strength. I know myself, I couldn’t continue to live with/be married to a man that had cheated on me. Once the trust is broken it’s very difficult to rebuild. 💐

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/09/2019 09:20

OP there's another lady going through the same on here at the moment. Take a leaf out of her book and get all the proof you can, then confront the bastard! You won't be able to sit on this. Speak to a friend and get some support.

When you do confront him, please, please, please don't fall for any of the gaslighting shit. He will come out with all sorts of excuses, unless he will actually confess...some do!

I feel for you as your world has basically crashed down around you. Get an appointment for an STI. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

NoThankYouSatan · 20/09/2019 09:22

You clearly need to get away from this man. If you let him off or fall for whatever bullshit he manages to spring on you if you say something, it'll never change. This stuff keeps happening. I know now from personal experience.

AmIThough · 20/09/2019 09:25

OP you don't need to leave him if you don't want to but you don't need to pretend you don't what you know either.

Talk to him. You need to decide where you both stand.

MrsMozartMkII · 20/09/2019 09:29

I'm sorry lass.

Have a hot drink and some carbs (biscuits, cake) as it'll help counteract the shock. Then you need to consider what you want, as in to try and work through this (counselling, etc.), or if this is the end of the relationship.

Either way you need to plan. What's your home set up, finances, etc.

newnameforthispostonly · 20/09/2019 09:32

Did you manage to take the screenshots as evidence?

chickenyhead · 20/09/2019 09:39

Think of it this way...

While you have been adoring this worm and having his baby in the reasonable expectation of a future together...

He has been serving his own cheap nasty needs. Getting naked with other people and giving them the intimacy you have likely been starved of. Then coming home to you and pretending that everything is normal.

He has exposed you to god knows what risks if you are having unprotected sex with him and frankly he is disgusting.

People generally either have strong values that cheating is wrong or they dont think it matters. I fall in to the former and could never ever stay with the latter.

The person you love doesn't exist, the thing you see now is as good as it gets. You deserve better. Your DC deserves better.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I think that you need a little time away from him to think clearly. What would you tell your DD if she told you her DH Was doing this? Treat yourself with the same love that you would give her x

Original poster

blearyeyes101 · 20/09/2019 11:04

I did screenshot for evidence yes. I think he probably will still try to turn it back on my for looking at his phone, which obviously won’t wash under the circumstances.

OP posts:

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/09/2019 13:31

@blearyeyes101 yes, he will probably take that moral high ground of looking at his phone. Fuck that...it doesn't really compare with cheating on you with multiple people.

aboutbloodytime123 · 20/09/2019 13:38

I have been through this. I was pregnant at the time. The shock is horrendous 💐💐💐 screenshot/email stuff to yourself, I know it's the last thing you want to keep but you might need it.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 20/09/2019 20:28

Hope you're ok OP, have you said/done anything or confided in your sister or someone? You do need some support so hope you will try and find someone IRL to talk to.

Original poster

blearyeyes101 · 20/09/2019 21:11

I did talk to someone and it did help thanks. I’m still not sure how or when I will raise it with him or what I want to happen. I don’t have any faith that asking for an explanation would lead anywhere meaningful or “real” so it comes down to whether to carry on or divorce.

OP posts:

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