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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lost a really good friendship

20 replies

LucyintheSky21 · 19/09/2019 20:55

I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do/whether I should do anything more about this situation, and I wondered if anyone else had ever lost a really close friendship. I used to have a very close friend and although I have other friends, this person was I’d say my closest friend. Our DC are also (or were) very close too. This friend of mine used to practically live at my house, we used to walk our DC to school together every morning and on the way home, she was always at my house. We did so much together, we went away together with our DC etc. This friendship meant a lot to me and all our friendships are different with different people but this friendship was one I hoped and thought I would never ever lose. Without detailing too much of what happened, 8 months ago a situation started and we (my friend and I) let a ‘man’ come between us. He turned out to be a rat, but he managed to cause so much trouble that my friend lashed out at me and blocked
my phone number, stopped talking to me. This was about 8 months ago. I’m not blameless for the fallout but neither is she, however I really regret that I/we let a man come between our great friendship. I miss her so much and I still see her around all the time but we haven’t spoken for around 8 months. I have discussed with other friends if I should try make amends but have always thought that she would have come round or contacted me if she wanted to get our friendship back. My DC miss her DC.
So I decided a week ago to try and send a message to my old friend, I actually changed my phone number not long back so I was able to send a text message to her and it was quite long. I just said that I didn’t think she would want to hear from me but that I wanted her to know how sorry I was about what had happened between us and how much our friendship meant to me. Since I sent the message I have heard noting and I have seen her (we live close and DC attend the same school), but she has not even acknowledged me. I feel really disappointed and sad that we might and probably won’t ever be friends again and I wish there was something I could do. I don’t want to appear desperate for her friendship and obviously I will have to accept it if she doesn’t want to sort things out but I wondered if people thought I should try speak to her or if there was anything else anyone thought I could do? Or am I better off just accepting that our friendship clearly meant much more to me than her?
For what it’s worth, it’s been a big lesson learned for me, a man should never come between friends and it’s always friends first!
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Notthetoothfairy · 19/09/2019 21:01

I think it depends on the circs of how the man came between you (eg if he was her DP and you cheated with him, it’s not surprising she hasn’t forgiven you).

Windydaysuponus · 19/09/2019 21:03

Maybe she got a new number?

Emmapeeler · 19/09/2019 21:03

Are you sure she hasn’t also changed her number? It was nice, and brave of you to try to make amends. You could try writing it in a card, and then leaving it if still no reply.

Claphands · 19/09/2019 21:04

Also, does she have the same number!?

Bouffalant · 19/09/2019 21:07

Depends what exactly happened with the man.

Ohbuggerlugs · 19/09/2019 21:32

I had a friend who became distant when she got a BF. We went two years without contact, and then she came knocking on my door in floods of tears when they broke up we were inseparable for 5 years, until she again recently got a boyfriend and engaged within the year. We don’t speak at all now, and when this one breaks which it will unfortunately, I won’t be available for her anymore. I think sometimes, you burn bridges, and you’ll lose your closest and you need to accept that it is what it is and learn from it. It’s awful, but sometimes you can’t forgive. Friends break your heart just as a partner does, except your friends know most of your deepest darkest secrets, and are meant to be there through everything. Sorry OP, all I can say is if you were in the wrong, stop her in the street and speak to her. You probably broke her heart. X

TowerRingInferno · 19/09/2019 23:01

I can really relate to this, after falling out with my best friend a few years ago. It was a cumulative thing, but the key thing was falling out over a mutual friend (jealousy because she felt that this friend liked me more than her and that I shouldn’t ‘need’ any other friends).

However, I’m coming from the other side to you, in the sense that she has tried to rekindle the friendship by see if emails, a letter. I know she means well, but I really don’t want it. I just want to be left alone. I did block her number so that she couldn’t text me (she used to send horrible text messages when upset). She hurt me so much and each time she gets back in touch it stirs up those those painful feelings.

LucyintheSky21 · 21/09/2019 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LucyintheSky21 · 21/09/2019 21:19

Thanks for the responses so far. It is a hard situation as I would really like to sort this out with my friend. I really miss her and the close friendship we had.
I would just like to clarify that I didn’t steal my friend’s man or anything like that. He was not my friend’s partner or anything like that.

OP posts:

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 21:39

Do you think that she could have a new number or not? If that’s a possibility send her a card.

You are good to make contact and apologise - was it unreservedly? Did you ask her to, or offer her to put her side? Maybe she wants to or doesn’t want to rehash it all.

Maybe she needs time to come round.

Maybe she is done.

Either way the ball is in her court so you will need to respect her timings and decisions.

Friendships are very important if you watched the Kathy Burke doc on BBC the other night a top psychologist said that they were more important for women than romantic relationships. I hope it works out for you both and the DCs.

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 21:40

Also I wouldn’t worry about appearing desperate I would just be v honest about how much you miss her.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 21/09/2019 21:44

What inishoo said

billy1966 · 22/09/2019 00:06

OP, sorry you are going through this. I can imagine how much you friend.

Hose, I think you have sent your heartfelt text which includes an apology for your part in the upset.
I think you need to leave the ball in her court.
She knows where you are.

Accept her decision, hard as it may be.

Wishing you well.💐

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/09/2019 00:09

It really depends on what happened with the man.

Suki84 · 22/09/2019 00:12

Can someone else not speak to her on your behalf? Maybe a mutual friend

Monday55 · 22/09/2019 00:55

If she does reply, the friendship is not going to be the same. You'll probably end up being acquaintances.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/09/2019 07:28

It really depends on what happened with the man.

This.

In my experience once a relationship is damaged like this it’s not ever the same. You may need to chalk it up to experience...

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 07:52

No one can answer until you say what happened, whether you need to just move on or not.

Original poster

LucyintheSky21 · 22/09/2019 20:54

Thank you everyone, it has helped reading what people have said and suggested. I know I haven’t elaborated on what happened and I appreciate it’s hard to advise without knowing the full story. It is a long story. I don’t really want to say too much on here it go into too much detail in case it gives away who I am or if my friend reads it as I know she comes on Mumsnet a lot.
To give a bit of detail, no-one cheated with anyone’s partner or anything like that. My friend was single when we were close/bestfriends and as far as I am aware she still is. I also don’t feel that the fallout is or was all my fault. I think she was annoyed and not happy with me. I also wasn’t happy with her. We had words in December before Christmas and she stormed off and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I never thought it would be this long without speaking.

OP posts:

Emmas1985 · 22/09/2019 22:53

Hi OP

A couple of years ago I started to distance myself from my friendship group, we had been friends for fifteen years and I had some major things go on in my life regarding my abusive ex and the safety of my child and they just didn’t act how I expected my closest friends to act, minimal support no understanding. One day I had a phone convo with one of them and just thought I can’t be arsed with you no more, the conversation was just general not even about the issues, but I just felt like our relationship was different to what it once was. 2 years on I’ve spoken to two of the 7 friends in two occasions, don’t miss them, don’t feel the need to contact them, it’s strange cause they were such a huge part of my life for so long, but this one thing happened and my wall came up and made me feel I didn’t need them. Maybe your friend just feels a bit like that, it’s horrible to be on the receiving end of it but think about how your friend feels

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