Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU - Ex PIL seeing DD

18 replies

MamaBear891 · 19/09/2019 19:49

So just trying to work out if I’m being unreasonable here, my family & friends think I’m not but it is for DD so I want to get this right.

Ever since DD was born 11months a go her parental GPs really haven’t bothered with her. The day she was born they made a big fuss of wanting to come see her at the hospital, they grate on me but I said yes sure (more people to love her the better) and then they didn’t turn up because mil left her phone at work. Annoyed me a bit but my family will pretty much drop everything to be there regardless of who is missing a phone, but tried not to hold this against them. When she was 3days old they came and saw her which was good, but since then they’ve never come to see her.

While I was with my ex we were a mile away from them, they would pass the flat on their way to work, on their way to the cinema, going to the shop 5 minutes away but never made an effort to see DD. Instead they’d call up EXP and say oh we haven’t seen baby in a while can xmynamex bring her around. At the time I didn’t drive but would walk the 2 miles even in the rain so they could see DD. Now I don’t mind this but I’m very much about give and take, unless of course that isn’t possible (I.e. if they were immobile etc) but did get annoyed that both exp and ex pils would say DD doesn’t know her GP yet I was the only one making any effort. To the point I said ok once a month I’ll cook dinner on a Sunday and alternate locations between our flat and theirs. First month they had their excuse for not coming and then that died a death. In all honesty in the end I got sick of being blamed for them not having a relationship with DD yet neither my abusive ex nor pils done a single thing, it was all left to me.

Now ex and I have broken up I have moved 90mins back to my home town. Been here for 3 months and not heard a word from pils, not to see how DD was etc. Last week I even said to exp if they want to see DD they’re more than welcome to come down with you and you all take her out. Anyway today I get a text from the ex asking if we can take DD to see his parents. If have yet to reply but I do feel like saying they can come down here and actually make an effort for once as opposed to making their demands.

But I don’t know if I’m just being a little too unreasonable about this. I’m not stopping them from seeing DD I just don’t want them to think they don’t need to make an effort.

OP posts:
GoneToTheDock · 19/09/2019 19:51

i'd reply with they are welcome to come and see her just let me know when

MamaBear891 · 19/09/2019 20:26

Just don’t want DD feeling like I kept her from her GPs but I have given them the option to see her plenty of times. Everything has to be on their terms! I mean ffs fil threw a hissy fit once because I said DD couldn’t go to the park as it was raining heavily. They really do like to take take take.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2019 20:33

Surely your Ex can take DD to visit his parents on his own... or they can come to you as you offered.

Otherwise they go jump!

HugoSpritz · 19/09/2019 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaBear891 · 19/09/2019 20:42

Because of the distance ex comes to see DD where we are now located. He doesn’t have her longer than 3 hours each time, his choice and didn’t want to take her to see his parents and then bring her back as it would mean 4 trips 90 minute trips.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2019 20:46

His problem not yours!

MamaBear891 · 19/09/2019 20:58

Think it would be different if he could have her overnight but she is breastfed. It is his problem I just know he’ll blame me!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 19/09/2019 21:10

Why would you want your child to have a relationship with grandparents who obviously not that bothered? As she grows older she is the one who will end up being hurt.

Just tell you ex and his parents that if they want to see her they need to make the effort. There is nothing to stop then coming with your ex when he visits.

RandomMess · 19/09/2019 21:40

You can say once she's not feeding overnight anymore (not that far away) he can have her overnight and take her in the meantime they need to visit her here. If they were truly interested in seeing her they would.

Your DD is 11 months in a few months time there is no reason for your ex not to have her overnight sure he can't breastfeed her but he can comfort her in other ways and far more of her calories can come via food and cows/other milk when you're not around.

MamaBear891 · 19/09/2019 22:13

@RandomMess exactly apart from he has refused overnight until she is in verbal. I did explain that was like 2/3 and even then it isn’t like it’ll be easier he just needs to figure out how to look after her. He still says no.

So really I’ll just leave it up to them, the offer is there, that or the wait till she stays overnight so they can decide.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2019 22:16

😂😂😂😂😂 he is priceless. Does he realise that you won't always be able to make her available for a 3 hour slot every weekend as you have a life too?

MamaBear891 · 19/09/2019 22:57

@RandomMess I think it more he wants me back as while he loves DD he just really doesn’t know how to look after her. For Christ sake he doesn’t even fit her car seat harness properly because DD wriggles to much and won’t stay still when asked Hmm! Well f me how the hell do I manage it even if it takes a few minutes. Honestly they’d probably leave her to starve, but he knows that. He says it’s because he can’t work out what she wants but really it’s just laziness.

I know with the whole seeing pils what he is really want is for both DD and I to go to his to stay. If he wasn’t such an abusive twat I’d even agree to it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/09/2019 06:55

You know I did wonder if it was him being controlling/wanting you back but I thought that was me being too cynical - ha!

So with these visits does he take her out or you need to be there the whole time?

GaraMedouar · 20/09/2019 06:59

Just leave an open invitation for GPs to come visit if they want and it’s up to them.

MamaBear891 · 20/09/2019 08:32

@RandomMess he tries to get me to stay around, I tell him to take her out. Goes between I don’t want DD to not have her parents together to that’s not her home and I’m going to take you to court. I even got swimming lessons for them to do together.. you know have that be their ‘thing’, he complained he didn’t feel comfortable trying to get ready and get DD ready too. Like damn how does everyone else manage 🤷🏽‍♀️!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/09/2019 08:41

Geez hand her over at the doorstep and if he refuses to take her shut the door in his face.

grandmasterstitch · 20/09/2019 08:46

Let him take her. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I think my mum took me to my aunt and uncles once and my grandmas once. Everything else was with dad because they're his family. Don't jump through hoops, there's a reason he's an ex

newnameforthispostonly · 20/09/2019 09:03

YANBU.

Don't overcomplicate or overthink this. He sorts out his own parents out, that's not your department any more.

Keep to the same script whenever it comes up in conversation. "Your parents are more than welcome to see her whenever you arrange it. Just let me know detail and I'll check if it's convenient for us".

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread