Advice Please

[scotgal2017]

This could be long so will try and shorten and not intentionally drip feeding!

STBXH and I have been separated for just over 2 years, we were together 20, married 17. He was abusive & controlling to me the whole relationship then left 2 years ago (OW appeared 5 months later). 2 DCs, DD now 16 and DS about to turn 13, obviously witness to their dad's arseholery for many years.

Lived abroad at the time of separation and moved back to UK last year. Have a part time job and kids most of the time. STBXH works away for weeks at a time and back for weeks at a time so he usually has kids for a couple of weeks at a time. DS has decided he does not want to see his dad anymore because he is scared of him. DS has sturggled with lots of things since young. He has recently seen an educational psychologist and just had a CAHMS assessment which is referring him to occupational therapist. Educational psychologist said he has autistic traits but also thinks he has trauma from the abuse he saw ertc, and I would agree with that.

I have always said to DCs up to them if they see their dad etc, for the last 3 or 4 times before DS has gone, he has had a "meltdown" at mine saying his dad is a jerk and he does not want to go. I have said he has to go (mainly as I wasn't sure what age they would be taken seriosuly to make their own decision). Having spoke to CAHMs and also social services they confirmed DS doesn't have to see dad. Yesterday STBXH messaged to make arrangements to see kids soon. It is very acrimonious and I use the grey rock technique. I said his son has expressed a wish not to see him for the foreseeable future. He had a predictable response and so I elaborated by saying DS has told me, 3 teachers at school, the educational psychologist and a mental health nurse he doesn't want to see him (rightly or wrongly I haven't involved STBXH in any of this process because he has always left everything up to me and has shown no real interest in DS's issues, he is very much a Disney dad earning 6 figures and so showering them with gifts/money is the answer to everything, DS's feelings are dismissed as nonesense and he's always been told to "get over" whatever the issue is/was).

Before I make this any longer, basically I have told DD/DS to direct their dad to me as he has been pestering them asking for a reason as to why his son doesn't want to see him. He wants a reason why DS doesn't want to see him which I suppose is fair enough but since he is abusive/controlling, how do I answer? Do I just keep repeating his son doesn't want to see him (I don't think telling him his son is scared of him will suddenly make him change overnight and stop him from trying to contact DS) or do you think I should tell him exactly why DS doesn't want to see him without getting emotional but present the facts?

sorry, this was a lot longer than anticipated! Obviously I'm concerned for Dcs welfare if STBXH doesn't like the truth facts being presented to him because in his mind, you know he's a good dad and DS has always been happy when he's been there )of course he has because he's walking on eggshells and trying not to make his dad angry but abusive people don't see that do they). TIA

I do think it's very difficult and complicated and up to you but since you have asked I think you should say that your son is scared of him . Something has gone on to make him feel this way . Perhaps if you have a talk about it at a later stage your son may wish to see him but at the moment it isn't suitable. Is there a grandparent who he can see to keep up with the paternal side of the family?

Whilst I think it would be better to tell your ex exactly why ds doesn't want to see him as it may give him the chance to see the consequences of his actions though I doubt it will. However the thing that I would be worried about is how he would react , considering his current behaviour I really don't know if it would be safe

@Soozikinzii DCs have witnessed years of STBXH being abusive and he is very controlling - what he says goes, no-one else's opinions/feelings/thoughts matter. All 3 of us spent years walking on eggshells and it is so much better in the home now he has gone. DD will still be going to see him (STBXH has a better relationship with her because she is "normal" and doesn't have any issues. DD knows what her dad is like but is happy to maintain a relationship with him at the moment which is up to her obviously) and my main concern with that is that he will harrass her for info etc and put pressure on her when is shouldn't be directed at her. DS has stated he doesn't want to see any of the paternal side (which might tell you a lot) but he has said to me he would see his step grandad on that side has he is the only normal one out of the bunch.

@Stressedout10 he hasn't seen the consequences of his actions for the last 22 years so I doubt he will now. When I moved back to UK I didn;t give him my address, drop offs/pick ups where in public. Unfortunately earlier this year STBXH inadvertently was given my address by the school and so now it is a worry that he knows my address. I have an appointment with women's aid early next week to get a safety plan in place.

I don’t think telling you ex the reasons will get you anywhere. I would guess he is of the mindset that it is up to him whether DS’s reasons are acceptable.

He won’t accept any explanation as justified, and therefore acceptable.
I fully admit that I am projecting from my own ex, who sounds a lot like yours, but I think you and your DS are better off by refusing to make it your ex’s decision, and just repeat that DS won't see him.

Don’t forget, that your DS has a right to refuse, even if he himself couldn’t explain why, and you are not responsible for knowing why either.

At 13 your son is entitled to his own opinion. I just wouldn’t enter into any correspondence with him. Ignore. You’ve taken health professionals advice which I assume is all noted and recorded. Let him take it to court if he wants to push it. You aren’t his secretary and you don’t have to talk to him anymore. The kids aren’t babies. A friend of mine has a younger child than you and had this issue. She just stopped responding. He took it to court. They ruled in her favour because of all the noted incidents and everything that had gone on. Courts aren’t stupid and if he cares enough he will pursue it and then trained legal professionals can assess all the relevant info and come to a conclusion that he then has to abide by.