Totally stuck and don't have the strength to leave

[nobodyhere]

Just that really
Don't want or need anyone coming on and telling me I need to leave him. Just want some support maybe someone (non judgemental) who will let me rant and not judge me or tell me what I already know. Our Situation with kids does not allow me to leave him and that's that.
But I'm miserable and feeling so down I just need to talk

What’s going on OP? Can you say?

Rant away OP, we're listening

Not really. Can't go into too much details on here for all sorts of reasons
Just feeling low. Feel like I'm snowed under with spending every waking second of my life caring and worrying about everyone else being ok that I'm the one that isn't ok.
My DH is very difficult to live with and sometimes just gets me down

for you OP

We have so much different opinions on everything
Parenting, general day to day life, how to discipline our children. And when I don't agree with him or back him up he doesn't like it and makes everyone's life very difficult

You say that you don't have the strength to leave then that you can't leave.

Do you have DC with additional needs or something else that makes the usual routes not an option to leave?

I'm happy to support either way I just hope you aren't staying for emotional reasons like "the DC will be devastated" because that really isn't true.

To feel so trapped must be awful

What do you want to happen? You say you can't leave, that's your choice. But in doing that I suppose you have to accept you will continue to feel the same. Can you think of any way at all to make your situation more tolerable?

I just want to feel like I can talk without people telling me what I need to do. I don't want that. I can't go into why but with a blended family I cannot leave him. Certainly not just now anyway. It's not cos the kids will be devastated, it's cos the kids won't have no one if I leave

Why can't he leave? Have you suggested this to him? Maybe he'd be happier too.

Cos his children (3) live here too

Ok fair enough so long as when you're ready you know how to get help etc. Although I know people that took their step children with them and got residency.

To help you cope can you work on emotionally detaching from him? See him for the weak awful person he is and that you deserve better and his behaviour is not a reflection on you or what you deserve?

I'm a pretty strong person usually.. have been through some awful stuff with my EXH but just seem like I'm struggling lately.
He has so many good points, and I know he loves me but just feel like my opinion and thoughts are irrelevant, he's quite controlling and demanding and very highly strung.
I'm not perfect at all, I had a fling, he found out. We agreed to work on it. But just feel like he's still punishing me for it a year on. My reasons for the fling was probably mostly the reasons I just gave above. Fully aware it's no excuse at all. And I'm not excusing it just trying to explain why it happened.

Time for an honest chat?

"If you carry on punishing me what was the point of wanting to make it work?"

Oh I've tried that random. I didn't force him to stay with me. Told him may be best if we end it as didn't want things to be ruined. He swore he wouldn't hold it against me and things were ok, for a while. Then he started throwing in the little sly digs 🙄

Challenge him every time?

Is it really better for the DSC to believe that is how a man should treat a woman?

Say to him "and this why I ended up falling for someone else..."

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They won't tell you to leave but it might help you figure out how to cope and what to do.

I think that might be a good approach, he's too used to be sitting back and taking it.

I know his is cliche but I genuinely try my very best to make sure the kids don't see or hear anything.. and for the most part they don't I never ever argue in front of them. But obviously here will be the odd occasion they will sense an athmosphere.

He gets very angry and I've told him many times I think he has a problem, he doesn't agree. Think him admitting he's at fault and trying to change would make a huge difference to our relationship

How about each of you having individual therapy?

If he isn't abusive (not sure if he is but sounds like is ) then joint therapy where you can sit about his anger issues, he will obviously blame you but you know that and you can thrash out all the behaviour that drove you away in the first place is still there...

Presumably you are main carer for the DSC and you staying makes his life easier?

Yes random. I care fully for his children. We both work full time but I am main carer. Just wish sometime some recognition and appreciation for all I do would be nice. Failing that a little bit of respect would be lovely! Things get tough and I'm aware no relationship is perfect. I'm willing to work at our marriage but have my down days.

Perhaps you lay your cards out "If you carry on like this I will be leaving"

I do wonder if you need to firm up your boundaries of what you will tolerate even if it means the DC hearing you argue. It's not the end of the world for them to hear you disagree. So long as you stay calm and reasonable.

Even if you left it doesn't mean you won't get contact with the DSC.

Can you possibly detach emotionally, and develop interests and friendship circles without him. So living together but separate lives. You could even get out of bedroom if you can and let him get on with his life and see if he notices at all. Try to get into some sort of a hobby or group to keep you busy. Just to add if you have an evenning or a night out don't rely on him for childcare, get a sitter or leave kids with family or friends then he will know that he is irrelevant to you and the kids. GOODLUCK...