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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My dad keeps asking me for money and I don't know what to do

26 replies

GreyWolf92 · 19/09/2019 14:39

So my dad (55ish) has asked me (18) yet again for money, he has had gambling problems in the past but I don't know if he is still doing it.
He asked last month for 200 which I gave him, and he did pay me back, but I've recently moved in with my fiance in a rented house, which is taking a lot of money.
My dad earns about double what I do, and considering ages I don't know what to do anymore.
He tried guilt tripping me this time saying that he can't even afford petrol to get to work.
Any advice??

OP posts:

Embracelife · 19/09/2019 14:42

Just say no.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 19/09/2019 14:42

Just tell him you can't afford it.

If he can't afford petrol to get to work- that's his bad choices that have caused that.

You are very young to be financially independent- he should not be emotionally and financially abusing you. He has a problem.

TheABC · 19/09/2019 14:42

You can't afford it. He need to get help.

LIZS · 19/09/2019 14:42

Until you say no he will not address his addiction. He is probably paying you back with money borrowed elsewhere.

timshelthechoice · 19/09/2019 14:44

'No. I don't have it and cannot afford it.'

Daffodil2018 · 19/09/2019 14:46

It is very unfair of him to put you in this position. I agree you should say "no and please don't ask me again".

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/09/2019 14:48

Listen to me... REALLY LISTEN...

You cannot continue to feel obligated to your father.

You cannot live your life trying to do whatever it is he asks of you

His job was to raise you, help you attain Independence and yo watch you live your best life

What he is doing instead is taking your Independence and shackling you to his addiction.

You MUST break that connection. Maybe your partner can tell you exactly what they feel about you putting your dad's probable gambling habit before the life the 2 of you have just started to build. If they can listen carefully...

You will have to be very strong, your dad will be very persistent. Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2019 14:52

You are his daughter, not his banker and nor should you enable him further (giving him money enables him). Do not give him any more money under any circumstances.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Seek support for your own self and educate yourself about enabling behaviours in addiction. Gamcare offers support to people affected by another person's gambling addiction.

Its his problem that he cannot get to work, not yours and guilt tripping you over that is despicable; addicts will do and say anything to keep their addiction going. I would seriously now consider blocking him from contacting you on all channels. (What does your mother think of him, are they actually still together?).

Its shocking, though not altogether surprising he is tapping you for cash because you are probably one of the very few left who actually bothers with him. He is an inveterate gambler who has not stopped and is likely spending vast sums on money on gambling and losing (have you ever seen a poor bookie, no neither have I). You were fortunate indeed to get money back last time, there is no guarantee that you would in future.

fedup21 · 19/09/2019 14:55

Well done to be renting a property with your partner at 18-you’re the same age as my son and none of his friends are earning enough to be able to do this!

Tell your dad you simply can’t afford it.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 19/09/2019 15:05

You tell him "Sorry dad, you earn double what I do, and I have a home of my own to pay for now so I just can't afford it, please don't ask me again".

Do not feel guilty. It's not your place to bail him out of whatever situation he has got himself in to. Do you have a mum or other sibling or another relative you can talk to about his behaviour?

Branleuse · 19/09/2019 15:05

tell him he earns twice what you do, and if he cant afford petrol, then maybe he should quit gambling it all away again

Hidingtonothing · 19/09/2019 15:07

Might be worth contacting Gamblers Anonymous or Gamcare OP, both offer support for families of gambling addicts and it can be really helpful to talk to people who understand the patterns of behaviour and the effect it has on loved ones. Resisting that guilt you feel when you say no is definitely something they can help with

KUGA · 19/09/2019 15:20

EASY , dad sort yourself out NONONONONONONO.END OF.
The more you give the more he will take.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2019 15:29

'Dad, I'm 18 and you are 55. You earn twice what I do. I now have rent and bills to pay on my low wage. So NO I can't lend you any money. That surely must be obvious so please stop asking'
You could always offer to sit down with him and help him budget.
Is your mum not around? Sorry if that's a tough question to answer.

OneHanded · 19/09/2019 15:41

It does unfortunately sound like he’s getting himself into desperate situations and asking for micro loans to get himself stable until payday when he can pay you back and blow the rest all over again. It’s not going to end if you keep enabling it - I’d make it clear the next time he’s paid and pays you back you won’t be doing it again ❤️

Sn0tnose · 19/09/2019 16:05

If he tries to guilt trip you again, turn it round on him. Tell him that you just don’t have the money to lend, but that you’re worried about him. Tell him you’ll happily sit down with him, work out where his money is going each month and work out the same budget that you use. He’s either going to agree (in which case, you can see what’s happening) or refuse (in which case you know he’s gambling again).
I suspect he’ll be a lot less likely to ask you for loans if he thinks you’ll be asking questions. Then contact an organisation like GamCare or GamAnon UK who provide support to the families of gamblers.

FuriousVexation · 19/09/2019 16:11

He is almost certainly gambling again (either that or servicing debts which he has unwisely taken out.)

Agree with the wording of previous posters, and I'd also make a suggestion that he asks a colleague (not necessarily in his own dept) if he could hitch a lift for a couple of weeks "as my car has broken down and will be off the road at least 2 weeks" and say he'll repay the favour after next payday and give that person a lift in and back.

As Attila suggested please seek help for yourself so that you can protect your emotions and your own finances.

Is your mum in the picture at all?

Original poster

GreyWolf92 · 20/09/2019 10:10

For those asking, my mum is in the process of leaving him, mostly cause of the gambling. My brother doesn't speak to mum or dad. Every time I lend dad money he has paid it back in full, sometimes more, when he gets paid. I've said to my partner that I'd happily help him budget, but often dad refuses any kind of help

OP posts:

Techway · 20/09/2019 10:23

As your mum is trying to leave he is making you fulfil her role.

Also it is likely he is returning the money for now but that could stop and how would you get it back? Sue him??

Say No and please have no guilt.

inwood · 20/09/2019 10:24

You can't afford it. End of.

My father was an alcoholic and started borrowing money, it's a very very slippery slope down.

Kaddm · 20/09/2019 10:29

Tell him you have no money

Shittiestdayinalongtime · 20/09/2019 10:35

Just say no. You're going to have to distance yourself from him. I've done this, the life I have could have been so much better or different but I ended up helping my mum financially for so many years and now I've finally stopped. But that's after I have paid off her debt twice in my life. His financial problem is not your responsibility. Live your life, you haven't got the money.

1Wildheartsease · 20/09/2019 11:36

It is hard to use the word that is not 'yes'- especially when you love the asker.

However it is reasonable to refuse. You are doing well to support yourself so young and so are already helping your Dad who could(should) be available to support you.

Gambling is an addiction.
Would you give him whiskey if he was an alcoholic? ( Even if he would replace the bottle in the future?)

Heatherjayne1972 · 20/09/2019 11:41

My ex fil was a gambler
He’d often ask for money he had no food /petrol etc
I used to say that I wouldn’t give cash but I’d take him shopping or pay for his petrol or whatever
Funny enough He always always said no

It’s absolutely ok for you to say no op. His problems are his and his only

Heartburn888 · 20/09/2019 21:44

Just say no and you area gurgling yourself.

If you didn’t have it to physically give him you couldn’t lend it him so just make up reasons (high energy bill, car needs a new clutch, boilers bust, wage hasn’t gone in, online banking app is down, council tax has done an attachment of earnings due to unpaid bills) why and he will eventually get the picture and go prey on someone else

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