"I want to break up" vent

[uvaakt]

I want to break up but I just cannot force myself to go through with it. I tried already once, but he persuaded me and I was so confused of my feelings that I decided to try again.
He has so many so wonderful traits and I hate that I have to lose these. But I know that we are just not compatible in some ways and it is killing me inside. On the surface everything is fine and we get along very well, but these incompatibilities more or less interfere and makes me anxious and tense. We have discussed these things and talked and talked and talked but these things do not resolve. We have lived together 2 years, so I guess it is enough time, both in our early 30s (no children).
We have different view on how much time should we spend together (he wants a lot more than me); he is so sensitive compared to everyone else I know and speak often that it makes me anxious; in so many occasions we just do not understand each other or do not click, so many things which are easy and carefree with others for me is somehow difficult with him (really subtle things, different general everyday occasions, but also bigger things).
I feel it is best to end it, but I have all kinds of irrational thoughts and beliefs which restrict me. And the thought of losing these wonderfulwonderful traits!!! I’m afraid I won’t find those wonderful traits anymore in someone else. I am OK to be alone, for some time, and I want it for some time, but not for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I will regret it later in my life. Everyone has their troubles and some unsatisfactory in their relationships, I’ve been told, so maybe I should deal with it somehow. But I feel the constantly inside. Sometimes more, sometimes less. And the break up will be so hard! I already have the experience with him and he took it awfully – he cried, swear, begged, accused, was mean, was sweet, – all different emotions that there are, he had them all. He does not want to break up. And then afterwards I can’t just walk away, because we live in my house (inherited from my grandparents, I really do not want to sell it or anything, so he would have to move out and find a new place).
Then we have a good day or a good hour and it’s ok, but then something really small happens, a really small misunderstanding for example and all negative feelings and resentment kicks in again. And I can’t help the guilt knowing that I felt torn from the very start of our relationship and I should have ended it then. But the good traits.. and the belief that we can work things through.. kept me in.
Maybe I should find help, maybe there is something wrong with me. But I really cannot afford counselling right now. I tried once a few months ago. She confirmed that if I am not happy, I have every right to end it and so on. But she did not do or say anything regarding my fear that perhaps the break up is not the answer, but I should work on myself. Perhaps my boyfriend is right that I keep too much distance, I do not show love enough, I do not listen or only listen what I want to hear and so on. I have a hard time accepting it. At the same time he acknowledges that he is too sensitive and too paranoid, he analyses every move I make or word I say. I can’t live like this. But he also provides so much care, love and tenderness.. I’m all confused.
I know there is nothing you can do. I just really needed that vent.

Ahhh... so he's paranoid and controlling.
That's his Mr Hyde and then he's all nice and that's his Dr Jekyll!
I think he is probably abusive too but you can't see it.
Your post is bit jumbled so I can't know for sure.
When you say 'he analyses every move I make or word I say' What do you mean? Does he accuse you of things?

No one should have to change as much as either of you would have to in order for this relationship to work, at best you are fundamentally incompatible. But your post rings alarm bells for me, you sound muddled and exhausted by it all, which is often the long term effect of being emotionally and psychologically abused, and he sounds controlling and manipulative.

Leaving is the obvious solution but it sounds like you will struggle with the guilt until you understand properly what he's doing to you. Standard advice but speak to Women's Aid, do the Freedom Programme, read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that' and the abuser profiles www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles There will be a lot there you recognise I suspect

It shouldnt be this hard and it isnt right for you and that is ok

Agree with the above though you need to do the freedom programme to understand exactly how he has got you there

She confirmed that if I am not happy, I have every right to end it and so on. But she did not do or say anything regarding my fear that perhaps the break up is not the answer, but I should work on myself. Perhaps my boyfriend is right that I keep too much distance, I do not show love enough, I do not listen or only listen what I want to hear and so on.

So your partner no longer makes you happy and his solution is that you need to change yourself? You need to end this relationship. All you have to do is keep telling him ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’. Everything he says, reply with this. Give him a date to have moved himself and his things out of your home by. If you start feeling sorry for yourself, remind yourself that you’re doing this for both of you, so you can both move on and be happy with the right person.

Stop thinking about all of his lovely traits. When you’re ready to have another relationship, you’ll meet someone who also has lovely traits but who you’ll want to stay with.