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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

LDR Break up advice

18 replies

AbbieMae · 18/09/2019 22:41

My ex and i had been together 2 years when he broke up with me last month. For the last 10 weeks we had been in a long distance relationship as i had been away with work. He said that he just didnt feel like he was in love with me anymore even though he had been telling the whole time that he was. I got back a just over a week ago. We have had a few days of no contact but not many. We have text briefly, mainly about aspects of the breakup. I have asked him why he thinks he fell out of love and he said he doesnt know. I have also asked if there was someone else, he has said no. He said we dont know what the future will bring. To me him saying that implies there are still feelings and that maybe the distance put a strain on things? We are meeting tomorrow. All i want is to be with him. What can i say/do to see if the distance was a major factor? If this is the case will any feelings he has/had start to resurface upon our meeting? Never been in this kind of situation before as ive never been involved in an LDR before

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 18/09/2019 22:46

OP if he's broken up with you, then he doesn't want to be with you. Beware of sleeping with him. If he wanted to be with you he;d tell you immediately.

Original poster

AbbieMae · 18/09/2019 22:54

We havent seen eachother since june. Is it not possible that this has put a strain on things, making him feel like we are no longer connected? The whole time i was gone, well up until the point he ended things, he was still telling me he loved me and couldnt wait for me to come home. Things did feel a little strained for me too sometimes as i was working so much that i was always tired and finding keeping in contact to not always be easy as i was normally either working or sleeping. I guess im just hoping that its more that he feels as though hes fallen out of love with me at the moment as we've been apart as opposed to actually having fallen out of love. Im hoping its something we can work to get back

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 18/09/2019 23:06

I don't know OP. I'm 47 and I've been in a number of long term relationships before getting married to DH at 33. I think that when a man really loves you...wants to be with you...the awkwardness of being apart isn't such a hurdle.

How old are you both if you don't mind me asking?

HennyPennyHorror · 18/09/2019 23:07

Dh and I spent ten months apart in the first couple of years of our relationship. He was on the other side of the world for work. We remained committed to one another. There was no awkwardness or feeling of falling out of love.

Original poster

AbbieMae · 18/09/2019 23:12

Im 30, hes 26. He suffers with mental health issues, he feels as though hes alone alot, or that he needs to be alone so the time apart could have that worse. I dont know. Perhaps i. Just grasping at straws hoping this isnt the end

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 18/09/2019 23:14

I honestly would try to move along OP....getting upset is to be expected but I've been in a long term relationship with someone with MH issues and it was a bloody nightmare. I wouldn't chase this one.

I know that sounds harsh...it's not their fault after all but MH issues affect every aspect of a victim's life.

chickenyhead · 18/09/2019 23:21

"Dont know what the future holds" is a classic back burner line

He has his eye on someone else but this isnt a sure thing yet. He wants to keep you on a string as an option and guaranteed shav, whilst pursuing others.

If he loved you he would not hurt you like this.

My advice, for what it is worth, if you really do want him back, which to be honest you shouldn't, would be to meet him looking your best, be emotionally distant and leave after a short time as you have somewhere else that you need to be. This will get him thinking about being with you.

Conversely, go in there crying and declaring love and sorrow and he will leave thinking about how to get rid of you.

In all honesty though, he sounds like a waste of time.

wuddenyalike2know · 18/09/2019 23:44

I am an older woman who has had several long term relationships. I think that when someone says they don't want to be with you, the best thing you can do is walk away. For now, you need to heal and get over this. I know it is easier said than done as it is a process, but do not ever make a fool of yourself to someone who has said they do not want you. Have some self respect and dignity. The only way he is ever going to know what he is missing is if you just are not around, and I mean fully not around. No speaking. No texting. Totally no contact. If he doesn't realise what he has lost, then you are better off. You may find in your time apart that actually you meet someone else, or decide in fact you like being single - there are many possibilities. Beware though OP, if ever he comes back and you take him, you could be opening a door for him to do this again and again. Be very careful. I have always found that when a relationship ends and the dust settles it was always always the best thing and a blessing. It takes time but you will land on your feet. Let it go. It may end up being the biggest blessing.

LadyB49 · 18/09/2019 23:53

Sounds to me like the best thing that could have happened.I
Shed your tears (when alone), then up and at it, move on but not with him.
Sorry about his mental health issues but I've been there.....It's not worth it. The future would not be an easy one.

Original poster

AbbieMae · 18/09/2019 23:53

I dont feel like i can not meet him now. Now that its all arranged. Not if i ever want any chance of working through things in the future. Maybe if i meet him and he sees me for the first time in months, looking my best, confident, happy and emotionally distant and then go no contact? Maybe it could remind him of everything he thought had gone since last seeing me and then the no contact would show him what its like to really lose all that?

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 02:19

He knows what you look like OP. Don't demean yourself by trying to bait him with a new hairdo.

He knows who you are and what you look like.

Tell him you don't want to meet up anymore because you're moving on. That's the best way of winning him back...not turning up to try to seduce him with your looks.

LIGOBAND · 19/09/2019 04:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

AbbieMae · 19/09/2019 08:13

I dont mean so he can be reminded of how i look. I know he knows that, he still has pics of me up on his instagram account, so he definitely can look back and see what i look like. I mean so we can spend abit of time together. Refresh his memories of how things used to be. Obviously with no pressure. Im not going to be expecting him to take me straight back and im not going to bring up the relationship or the break up, unless of course, he brings it up first

OP posts:

AMAM8916 · 19/09/2019 12:11

If he suffers with anxiety, he has perhaps gotten fed up of waiting around for contact and you being away and he's burnt himself out, had a think and decided that he can't go through the anxiety and stress everytime you go away.

I ended a relationship for similar reasons. I have anxiety, quite mild but instead of becoming needy and expecting my then boyfriend to change his life to fit in with me, I just ended it saying I didn't love him and that was that.

It's not like I need someone there all the time as I like my space and stuff but there's something unnerving about waiting around to hear from your partner, especially over long periods of time. Someone with anxiety can get depressed from it and decide it's best to leave the situation, more so if they don't want to drag the other person down.

The fact that he is still chatting and wants to meet suggests he isn't letting go but rather looking to see if he's brave enough to tell you what he needs. He probably won't be but staying in contact but at a distance maybe feels safe for him at the moment.

I don't think there's anyone else here. If there was, he'd drop you fast and not be meeting

picklemepopcorn · 19/09/2019 12:21

No don't! He's playing both sides. Don't put yourself through it it won't end well.

Original poster

AbbieMae · 19/09/2019 15:23

So we've just met up for the last few hours. Everything was so easy and comfortable. There didnt seem to be any awkwardness at all. I noticed he was still wearing his ring, like engagement ring, but half way through after he'd been to the toilet he'd taken it off. It was around this time that he seemed to sort of sink into himself a little, start looking quite bleary eyed. Maybe he was just tired and in overthinking things again. Im not wearing my ring anymore. Not since he ended things. So could it be seeing me without mine made him take his off?

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 19/09/2019 17:40

The only person who can answer that is him, and honestly I don't think I'd go there.

NightsOfCabiria · 21/09/2019 22:38

Forget about the ring op.

What was said? What was the outcome of the meeting? How do you feel?

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