Always the one that makes the effort

[Samsamsuperman]

It's aaaaalways me who plans evenings out with my DH. Down to arranging the babysitting and packing the kids stuff for the overnight stay. Doesn't happen often but when it does it is me 100% of the time. It's me who spends the money on tickets or chooses the restaurant down to checking train times. All he has to do is show up. It's never reciprocated.

It's really hurtful because I feel like a lot of my friendships are like this too. I stopped responding to a WhatsApp group of close friends recently because I felt it was always me chasing them to confirm a date to meet up and me going out of my way and it became hurtful. I don't think they've even noticed tbh.

And my DH won't notice either. We just won't go out together any more I guess. I don't think we'll have much of a relationship left if we don't invest time in it but I'm not sure I care any more. He clearly isn't giving it any thought.

If I speak to him about this, at best he will half arrange something as a token gesture then never do it again and at worst he'll get defensive and it'll be an argument I don't have the energy for. So what do I do?

Right now I feel like just giving up and letting all of these relationships disintegrate and seeing what I'm left with.

If anyone feels the same and wants to join me for a mutual sulk, come on in.

I'm with you. Two of my very best friends, whom I've known for years, who I've been there through thick and thin, I've stopped bothering with. One I suddenly realised I was always the initiator with so I stopped and I've heard from her three times in eight months and haven't seen her since March. The other suddenly found a bloke and more or less disappeared off the face of the earth and I'm not going to bother initiating there again either.

@Shatnerswig
Shit isn't it? X

Yep. If it all goes pear shaped with the latter friend, I know I'll be her first port of call but she'll be told to fuck off.

I'm the same, especially with the friends thing.
I stopped initiating and my 'best' friend didn't even bother to contact me when my baby was born!

Can you bring it up in a jokey way? Say 'hey, isn't it your turn to arrange date night? In fact, I've done the last 10 so you've got some making up to do'?
Or are you past that?

I have the same friends issue, it was quite shocking when I decided to take a step back from my designated role as her cheerleader, how the friendship just collapsed in on itself and I realised that my own effort alone had been keeping what I saw as an equal friendship alive.

In your case OP, he has made you Captain Of The Entertainment Squad. Why don't you just say nothing and STOP don't complain don't be passive aggressive just STOP and see how long it takes him to be wanting to go somewhere and when he does tell him you're happy to go if he organises it.

Can you say "im taking a break from initiating nighrs out, your turn!"
At least that way he knows what page ur on.

@AmIThough I could do that but I feel like I'm just not in the mood at the moment. If he isn't bothered neither am I. Sulking basically 😂

Sorry to hear you are experiencing similar with your friends.

@100percentthatbitch yeah that's pretty much where I'm at. Just feel sad about it. I genuinely don't think he will ever take it upon himself to arrange anything.
I've put up with it for 13 years so I guess it's my own fault really.

@31RuCambon Ive done that before once or twice. Generally met with him being adamant that he DOES initiate time together but being unable to give a single solitary example. I'm sure there have been occasions where I've told him to plan something and he has. What's the point in that? May as well do it myself.

I am the organiser of everything in my marriage as well. He might come up with the idea (e.g. we should sort out a night out on our own, will you do some research) but unless I sort it, it won't happen. He says he's too busy to. Mostly I quite like doing it (maybe because I am a PA!) but it does my head in when I suggest things and it's "no, don't fancy that", so I say "well you come up with an idea then!!" Lol. Does your DH enjoy when you're out and say he wants to go out just the two of you, or does he not seem bothered?

Regarding the friends thing, I am going through that at the moment with some friends. We used to go out every few months (all busy mums) but the last 3 times I've tried to get a date, some don't reply and it's unusual for them. I even reminded them but one hasn't given her availability. So I'm thinking has it run it's course? I'm not going to chase them this time, it seems like the same person not responding even though she has replied to other messages. I really like her as well, so i'm wondering whether she's just busy or maybe she doesn't wanna go out with all of us? She has been out with some others in the group. After 3 times I'm getting paranoid! So I would suggest just taking a step back and see if anyone else takes the initiative. I think sometimes people just rely on you to be the organiser.
Others may have better advice but just wanted to share my experience!

Yes this was me with my sisters/SIL! Ive stopped now and said one of them can organise the next night out!! I dont think itll happen somehow 🤷‍♀️

I realised a few months back it was always me that had to initiate contact with my best friend first and arrange stuff so I stopped. It took her 3 weeks to finally message me! Let's see if she realises after a while I'm not doing it anymore!

I’m with you. What you described was the realisation of the end of my marriage OP. I then realised that if I dropped dead he wouldn’t even notice. He’d probably be annoyed by the inconvenience of having to arrange a funeral. It’s shit to feel like that about people who should love you. I’m done enabling and facilitating

@Happyornot thanks for that perspective.
He does enjoy being out with me yes and he says he's looking forward to it but just recently I went to a huge effort and he didn't even remember it's next week. Just feel like fuck it with everyone. Sorry you feel the same with your friends. I'm absolutely at the same point.

Same here. I organise everything fun. Actually I organise everything. Bills, food shopping, plumbers, boiler services, holidays, activities with kids, you name it, I organise it.

Gets soooo wearing.

for us all.

@eddielizard yep same here. Why do we do it? It's so shit.