Feel completely adrift - should it be over?

[Buttonhold]

Hi all, need some advice please. Bit of a long winded one so apologies in advance.

Been with DH 15 years, married 12. No children. I moved 100 miles to be with him when we moved in together. I'm an administrator and secretary so have very transferable skills, he works in a niche role, also he owned property and I was in rented so it made sense for me to move.

Over 8 years in the new area I got bullied at 3 jobs, the last one (NHS) so bad I ended up with PTSD. The experience changed me and almost ended the marriage as I was so depressed.

I then worked away for a couple of years which was fantastic and restored my faith in myself. However it was hard being apart and we struggled to afford two homes (I'm late 50s and far too old to flat share) so I came home a year ago. We decided I would stay at home and just run our lives. I've temped a bit but not much.

DH got promoted and now works all hours and is exhausted all the time. My staying at home enables him to do the stupid hours, ultimately it will be worth the pension and we will be able to retire in 12-18 months. But we have ended up with nothing to say to each other. He is so consumed by the work he has nothing left and I'm bored stiff. I've been looking for work for six months and have had 20 odd interviews but no joy. I'm also fearful of being back in a toxic work environment again.

We've just had a holiday together in which the only topic of conversation was his work and how soon he could retire. He slept most of the time, wouldn't drive, didn't want to visit anywhere, too tired.

We've lost any connection we used to have. I put on weight around the bullying time which coincided with menopause and I really struggle to lose it. I'm unable to exercise due to nerve problems so am pretty hideous. We haven't had sex for 4-5 years.

Tried volunteering but haven't had much success, the groups have either been women round a queen bee or creepy older men. I haven't fitted in at all.

I lost my best friend to cancer last year and my other dear friend has so much trauma in her own life st the moment I can't possibly burden her more. My mother has severe dementia and dealing with her affairs takes a lot of my time.

I just feel disconnected from everything. From the outside my life looks perfect except for the fatness but I have no meaningful connection with anyone.

At the weekend DH just tuned me out when I was talking, said he was thinking about going back to work and what he needed to do. I just lost it and slung some stuff in a bag and left. If I've got no one to talk to I might as well be on my own and do what I want to do instead of running round after someone who doesn't even consider any of my needs. I've been away for three days and haven't heard a word from him. Is this it? Am I so worthless he doesn't even want to know where I am?

I don't know what I'm asking really. I just feel so alone and disconnected.

I wonder if it would be helpful for you to see a solicitor with the view of finding out what your financial situation would be if you decided to separate. Then at least you are forearmed with the info if it suddenly comes to a head. Sorry you are having such a shit time. I hope you are at least in a nice hotel with room service and a pool. 🌺

So sorry you are feeling like this. It sounds like you have a little depression which is understandable as you have been through a lot emotionally. I think you should go see the doctor and explain everything as they can refer you. I think for now it is good that you have taken time out. I agree that you should see a solicitor.

Thank you both for your input. I've just had one message saying he is away with work next week. Just that, nothing else. I suppose that gives me the chance to go home and get more pants.

I don't have an income of my own but I guess I would be entitled to benefits if I live alone.

I think you're right about the depression. Having had it before I know what it feels like. I've done nothing this week, nothing at all except read and Mumsnet, which is probably not very good for me as the less I do the less I want to do.

Bugger. This was not in the plan.

Without sounding harsh, you say you were bullied at 3 jobs and don't fit in anywhere when volunteering - have you considered that there may be a reason you haven't been able to fit in in any workplace?

I'm not victim blaming at all, but your 'queen bee' comment just made me wonder whether there's a confidence issue or something there that makes you feel people are looking down at you?

I think finding a hobby will help. What are your interests?
You say you've gained some weight and don't seem happy about this (naturally) - how about a walking club?

I moved to a rural area which has a reputation for being very insular. It's such an odd place. One job interview I was rejected for stated that I'd moved round quite a lot in my 30-odd years of working and they weren't comfortable with that - their people stay 20 years or more in the same place (it was a temporary maternity cover job). This attitude was very common, also my accent goes against me and I've never been any good at changing it without sounding like I'm taking the piss.

What I meant about the queen bee comments was they were established groups and not welcoming to newcomers (unusual for volunteer groups, I thought) but I did limit myself to stuff that interested me, I wanted it to be fun. Having had such bad experiences in that part of the world I was not in any way going to put myself in the situation of it ever happening again. It wasn't a problem before I moved there and it wasn't a problem when I worked away. But yes, it certainly has ruined my confidence and I find PTSD is triggered still in certain circumstances.

I am the archetypal fat middle aged invisible woman who doesn't count. Since I've both aged and gained weight I've really noticed a difference in how I'm treated generally. Unfortunately I have developed a nerve problem which I'm waiting for surgery for which means I can't walk further than about 500 metres, can't run, can't dance, can't cycle. I can swim and must do more of that.

If we do split I will definitely move away. It's just all a bit new to get my head round. My lovely comfortable future appears to have just evaporated in front of my eyes and I'm lost.

Sorry I'm snivelling with self pity, it's just a shock. I thought we were solid.

This sounds really tough for you OP, especially with health problems to boot!

Have you considered a book club or a class at a local college? Learn a language or something, just for you. Not because you need to or will ever use it, just something to get you out and doing something interesting.
You'll probably find they're full of 50-somethings who fade into the background and you might even find you make some solid friends.
Aqua aerobics could be fun too? Do it in the day time and you'll find plenty of women in a similar position to you.

I know it won't solve all your problems but maybe having someone in RL to lean on, and something to occupy your brain, may help you start to feel better about yourself.
Once you're confident enough to focus on you, you can then start worrying about your marriage.

You need to be your priority.

Thank you. A book club is an excellent idea. I really want to do pottery or working with glass but it's so expensive. I wanted to find out if I had any artistic ability at all.

I even have membership of a gym and spa which does aqua aerobics and Pilates and yoga back at home. I forget this which sounds ridiculous but I guess I'm not used to not working so feel guilty doing stuff during the day. What an idiot. Maybe I should tough it out and not leave my whole life behind just yet. I suppose there's no rush to leave him as we have a spare room I could move in to until the 'ducks are in a row'

Don't rush into anything. It sounds like you're going through a bit of a crisis and could do with some counselling, both individual and maybe some marriage counselling too.

Try and reconnect with your husband before making hasty decisions.

Looks like we've split 😢

Oh OP, I'm sorry.
Are you able to stay in your home for now, until you can get your ducks in a row?
Don't leave without your fair share of everything.

Is it definitely over or do you think you just need some time apart?

@Buttonhold what's happened today? xx

Well it's now been six days of silence and earlier I asked by text if we could talk. Eventually got a reply "no point" so I asked if we'd split up and I've just had four hours of silence. He won't answer the home phone or his mobile. Guess I'm being punished.

He's got some business trips next week so I'll go home and pack some more pants and watch all my recorded stuff on Sky when he's out. Sorry to be flippant but I'm just so pissed off as well as hurt. He knows i can't bear being ignored so it's deliberate hurtful behaviour.

I'm staying in a friend's weekend cottage (tiny!!) and have looked at the job market locally just to see - there are at least a dozen good jobs I could apply for round here. Bit soon for that but at least I know it's not a job desert here like it is at home.

Sorry to hear of your situation your DH sounds so uncaring!

I think you should see GP for depression- you’ve dealt with a lot - the bullying in jobs and then not working after years of doing so is such a big change; your health issues and then the loss of your best friend which is not only such a major loss to you, but losing a peer naturally calls into question your own mortality i would think.

What about volunteering to visit elderly people? Or what about helping at school? Primary schools are always in need for people to go in to read with the children.

Thanks again for responses. I do need to go to the GP with this. I've been aware that depression has been creeping in and I was hoping I could just ride it out but perhaps I need to be a bit kinder to myself.

Reading to children in schools would be lovely! I hadn't thought of that. Unfortunately I spend a fair bit of time in care homes visiting my dear demented mum and I find it very hard. So I won't be volunteering in that way.

Ho hum

There are positives to being middle aged and invisible - you don't get chatted up by likely young lads any more, and if anyone starts getting a bit lairy, you just give them 'the look' (you know the one...the 'granny is a bit cross' look) and they back down!

I think you need to find the joy in being alone. What about a cat (or a dog?) Great company, someone uncritical to talk to, and if you get a dog then you get out and meet people. Volunteering in charity shops gets you meeting people and chatting to them too.

You will be fine, OP. It's the shock that gets to you. Once that starts to fade, then you often find out that you are happier alone. And your 'D'P sounds like a bit of a dick.

I love being alone. I lived alone for many years before we met (as did my DH) and it took some readjusting to be with someone a lot of the time.

I can do being alone. I just prefer having someone to do things with. I think some of the problem is that I have no life outside the home. This definitely needs to change and it's down to me. Whether that's another job or some volunteering or just joining a social group, I'm not sure yet.

I've just received a confusing message from DH. He's on his way to a conference abroad but has asked me to come on a business trip next month. He's due to be away for four days at another conference in a very beautiful European city so I could go and explore the city while he conferences and dines with people, and all it would cost us is my return flight. I had presumed my trip would no longer happen due to current circumstances so I'm a bit surprised he still wants me to come. However he sent the message just as he was boarding a plane for this week's trip and has now turned his phone off. I suppose it gives me time to think about it. It's a city I've always wanted to visit but couldn't afford a four-night hotel bill. Maybe we could reconnect.