Feeling annoyed/left out not sure what to do

[YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus]

My best friend who I rarely get to see (but speak to each day on the phone) is here on holiday at the moment with her Mum, they're staying at a local holiday park. Ds and I popped in and had a very brief dinner on Monday and we have dinner plans tonight. On Monday best friend handed 16 year old son a can of cider the minute we walked in their chalet despite a) us not being on holiday b) it being 6pm on a Monday evening and c) knowing we had to be away by 8 as he had 3 pieces of yr 11 homework to do once we got home. She also gave him cigarettes after I'd said no cigarettes. (I know he smokes, have tried everything to stop him but that's another story). I felt completely disrespected and undermined but didn't say anything at the time which I now regret. She is the closest thing to an aunty he has, and DS absolutely loves her to bits because she's "cool & let's me do what I want". She loves to enforce this. I know I should have piped up and put my foot down but felt like i'd potentially ruin their hol if it got off to such a negative start.. Then yesterday she had other friends from an hour away visit. They all went for lunch at a pub 5 mins from my house and had a hot tub evening at their chalet last night. I wasn't invited to either. Yes we have plans for dinner tonight but I'm still feeling a bit hurt that I was excluded. Best friend has been ill for a year and very depressed and unable to work as a result. I've been on the end of the phone sometimes several times a day every day throughout, which I don't begrudge at all but I'm starting to feel like this is maybe a one way friendship. Am I being unreasonable? I'm really not feeling like going for dinner tonight because inside I'm quite upset plus I know she'll be offering my son booze again which just puts me in an awkward position when I say no. I don't want to upset her or rock the boat but this is bugging me now. What would you do?

YANBU. I don't know what I would do but I wouldn't be happy.

Your son is 16. Don’t take him! Leave him at home to do his homework. Go see your friend alone. Honestly, I understand why you feel annoyed but as you said you rarely see her so I wouldn’t get annoyed. You’ll just ruin the visit. You keep calling her best friend but is she? It doesn’t sound like she’s prioritising you and I think that’s why you are truly miffed. Leave your son at home, go see her, chill out and enjoy and let the visit pan out. Once she’s back home set boundaries. Several times a day chats is excessive. She sounds like an emotional vampire who is using you really. Do you have any other friends? By taking up all of your time you don’t have any left for making new friends. Maybe back off the friendship a bit. My BF lives away and we chat once per week. We also both have other friends in our area. That’s called balance.

Sorry, I don't get it. She had dinner with you yesterday, and not lunch with her other friends. She's allowed to do this. She doesn't need to invite you to everything.

As for your son, if he's not allowed a can of cider you should have spoken at rhe fine, clearly she didn't know she was doing wrong, it's just a can of cider.

As for the cigarettes. He's the issue here. Not her.

@nobodyisnobody I'm a single parent so leaving him at home isn't an option. Well it is, but he loves spending time with her and it'd be unfair. The homework issue was Monday. We were passing their holiday park en route home after a hospital appointment so just popped in for a quick dinner. He's got no homework tonight but the alcohol issue will raise and I'll be highlighted as the party pooper for saying no. Which obviously I don't mind doing but it's just the feeling of being undermined and unsupported that I could do without, as is another teenage sulk iykwim.
Several times a day chats is excessive but she's been clinically depressed and the wait for mental health help was utterly ridiculous. Again another story. So I've wanted to be there for her but it's been very difficult and perhaps now bordering on emotional vampirism. I do have other friends but I've recently moved, am renovating a house, working 2 jobs and studying so I rarely see anyone but you have a good point.

@bluntness100 I clearly said to her no cigarettes then an hour later she let him finish here then handed him some over when we were leaving so I'd say they're both at fault tbh. I definitely should have spoken up about the cider as I've said. And no she didn't have to include me or invite me to either the lunch or evening do but I just know if it was the other way around I'd have invited her, so just felt more surprised than anything. But thanks for the input.

Phone her and say not sure I can bring ds, can you remember to not offer him alcohol or cigarette? I don’t want this to be an argument but I’m his mum.

Being a single mum is no reason to not leave him at home- he's 16! This is your friend and your kid shouldn't be sat in the middle of you guys going for dinner if it's not a whole family dinner out!

She is undermining you and trying to make your son prefer her to you. That isn't on.

I wouldn't go for the meal.

Leave your son at home to do his homework and have a nice evening one-on-one with you friend.

By far the best solution all round.

I wouldn't be bothered about the odd can of cider at 16, but I would be fuming about the cigarettes, that's out of order. In fact, both are out of order if you say no, you're his mum, not her.

Leave him at home and go on your own tonight. Tough if he misses out, he was aware you don't like him smoking so he should save it for when he's with his mates, not his mum.

Sorry I should have said it's more of a family meal tonight- it's my friend, her elderly Mum, DS and me. If it was to be just the two of us if have left DS to do his own thing for sure.

I'm definitely more annoyed about the cigarettes, she knows fine well the fight I've had with him over them, that he's asthmatic and have literally got grey hair over this. The cider I can let go, because let's face it once in a while won't kill him whereas the cigarettes could.

Thanks for understanding and offering wise advice all. It's too late in the day to cancel as much as i don't really want to go, I'm due to go collect them in 45 mins. DS is meeting us at the restaurant though, so I do now have the opportunity to bring it up with my friend and make it clear that it's completely unacceptable to undermine my wishes as his parent. Thanks again.

If anyone gave my MINOR child alcohol or cigarettes, the fuck I'd not say anything. Regardless of who they were.