How important is honesty to you?

[SultanasofPing]

For me it's a biggie - relationships based on trust etc - for my DH not so much:
tricky situation? - tell a lie to get out of it
don't want to do something? - lie to get out of it
feel guilty about something? - tell a lie to avoid conflict

I'm really struggling - caught him out in a few lies to me recently which in the grand scheme of things probably aren't massive (no OW or anything like that - more in the trying to get himself off the hook and also re: money) but it's made me question everything, can I trust anything he says?
Am I being a bit melodramatic?

My ex used to lie about stupid things all the time. That only escalated and he ended up being a cheater. The trust was slowly broken over time before the cheating. It was years of misery.

I wouldn’t trust someone who lies to me.

My first husband was a liar. I only realised after a few years and after I caught him out a few times. Silly things, at first, like your DH. His 'defence' was that he didn't want me to get angry at him. I tried to explain that I'd get even more angry if he lied than if he just told the truth, but at bottom he was a coward and preferred to lie for an 'easy' life.

In the end I trusted nothing that he said, from small things through to large. I hated the cowardice too, that made him lie. That was the end of the marriage basically.

Essentially it's like trying to build a good solid house on shaky foundations. It might last for a while, but ultimately that house will collapse. Honesty = a strong foundation for a marriage, for me.

Nope, this kind of lying would be completely unacceptable to me and is the sign of an incredibly selfish person who only cares about himself and what works for him.

my ex husbands default setting was to lie about everything then gaslight when you found him out as a PP said his escalated into him cheating, so lying is a deal breaker for me

Firstly, I think most people lie and they do it way more than they think they do or are prepared to admit to. My reason for saying this is I have an autistic adult DC who finds lying nearly impossible and it actually makes life very difficult.

I think the motivation for the lies is more important than the lie itself.

If you are lying to be kind by saying someone whose having chemo looks better today, or that a shockingly bad haircut is actually ok, then those lies are not bad in my opinion, they are an attempt to make someone feel better and their motivation is good.

If you are lying to evade taking responsibility for something you've done wrong, then this isn't good and would worry me. We have to own our mistakes.

If you are lying out of shame or fear, then this needs picking away at to understand why you feel ashamed. Usually these are lies of denial and can be motivated by a number of things, all of which need sorting out.

In this instance where we don't really know what the lies are about and what the relationship between @SultanasofPing and her DH is usually like, it is almost impossible to judge how corrosive those lies might be. That said, the fact that its on here at all, probably suggests there is an issue!

thanks - I'm not being totally over the top then?
I know he's always had a tendency to avoid conflict and lies I guess are an easy way to do that, the thing that has nearly pushed me over the edge is that this year I've scrimped and saved to ensure we had a good family holiday with the children and I've just found out he's got a secret stash of money he was planning on blowing on things for him (hundreds of pounds we don't have)
I feel a bit broken by the level of deceit and selfishness and I'm not sure if I'm justified or being ridiculous

Same experience as @ShmackAttack

My ex would've rather looked like a sex offender than admit he'd been sleeping with his female friend just before we got together (I caught him out numerous times and each time a new lie would surface).
Sadly, these lies never end and you find yourself questioning every little thing.

The motivation is relevant but overall, there are people who lie, lie again, and create a wobbly edifice that will one day fall and crush everyone around them.

Same story here, minor lies to get out of tricky situations, ended with cheating. In my ex's case I think he is afraid of looking stupid, having grown up as the family clown, so learned to hide anything that his family could laugh at. He also had a stash of money, and a stash of secret sweets just for him to eat, the implication being that the kids and I were greedy and would not let him have as many as he wanted.

He recently told me about how he was telling our (grown) daughter to lie about her situation so that she could get a few hundred euros from a funding authority. I told him that I would be telling her not to do it, pointing out that his schemes always backfire on him, and that I was delighted not to be dragged into his shady nonsense any more.

His schemes did always backfire and he'd go round telling people how unfair it was that the insurance company was refusing to pay out on his claim as they didn't believe it. I would just say nothing, knowing that they were quite right not to believe his claim. It was embarrassing and unpleasant.

Listen to your gut feeling.

The lying is a almost irrelevant. You've been killing yourself to save for something for the whole family and he has a whole lot of cash that he plans to spend on himself? He sounds like a selfish twat.

Wow.

That's a whole different level of deceit and selfishness. I'm not surprised you feel broken. Did he know you were scrimping and saving to give the family a holiday? Because if he did, that would definitely be the end for me. I'd feel he was laughing at me behind my back, thinking how gullible and stupid I was, whilst congratulating himself on his secret plans.
Nasty.

Your OH has two major problems here. One is the lying, the other is being a very selfish person. Both are major problems. My XH did the lying thing. I always thought it stemmed from having a very controlling DM, where he lied to give himself some privacy. He would lie about stupid stuff when the truth would have served him better. Deeply rooted desire not to communicate with the women in his life. The crucial thing in your case is whether or not he is willing to address the issues, probably in counselling. Mine wasn't unfortunately. And in my case he actually attended the counselling, so he could say he had, but sabotaged it anyhow.

I couldn't live with someone who lied a lot. I mean we all tell people we like their new clothes when we don't but your DH is doing a lot more than that.

But for me the real killer would be the money business. You're supposed to be allies and work together in a marriage. He's basically cheating you and your DC. Ripping you off. I'd find that very hard to forgive.

It’s an interesting one, isn’t it?
For me - incredibly important. After learning the hard way. I carried on a long term relationship with someone whose lies escalated and escalated to the point where he cheated and left. And I still don’t know if that was the first time (it probably wasn’t. Gutless prick). I wish I’d left him the first time he lied to me 18 months in, instead of ten years in.

But you’re talking about a different situation. Do you have any idea when he might have started saving the money? By that, I mean, do you think there might have been an event that caused him to decide to do this. How did you find out, did you discover it yourself or did he confess? And if you discovered it, does he know that you know? What was he going to spend hundreds of pounds on?

My experience is more extensive than I would wish but it has taught
me one thing: respect is infinitely more important than trust.

The only lies I'll accept are things like "no you don't look fat", "this dinner is delicious", "yes I'd love to spend time with your mother".