Need advice please. I'm at crisis point.

[Zigzag11]

Please bare with me, long post.

I'm not originally from the UK, but from Europe, moved here 20 years ago.
Been married to DH for 19 years, we have a DD who is 9 years old.
I'm 40.
I'm at an utter breaking point and I really don't know what to do or what the future holds.
DH and I always had a difficult relationship, he can be extremely difficult, I'm not an easy personality either. There are times when we get on extremely well and I believe I'm so lucky to have a husband like him. During the good times, he's affectionate, loving and supportive. During the bad times, he's hard as nails and I often called him an "emotional retard".
If we had an argument, he would sulk for days, would not communicate and give me the silent treatment.
Over the years, I realized that he's emotionally abusive and manipulative, has taken me years to realize this. We've always kissed & made up and he always promises things and that he'll change his ways, until he's back in his old ways again. Living with him is a constant emotional roller coaster.

Last year, I fell pregnant unexpectedly, we never really planned on having another DC .After the initial shock, I was over the moon. DH was supportive, he said whatever I'll decide, he will support my decision. I really wanted to have that baby and was looking forward to the future all four of us together.
Then I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It broke me. I left my job, I had counselling, developed severe anxiety and went on anti-depressants, shut myself away from everyone, came off social media completely. DH was supportive overall, but I always had a niggling feeling that secretly he was pleased that we lost the baby. I was desperate to try again, and we've been trying ever since with no success. It's been a year.
Throughout this time, He kept asking if I'm really sure that I want another one, kept asking if I was sure, kept reminding me of the difficulties of having a second DC. I started to doubt what he was saying, doubting what I really wanted, I felt that he's not letting on his true feelings, stringing me on, planting seeds of doubt in me. We had many arguments when he accused me that I needed help (I'm getting help with counselling and medication), and then again we would not talk to each other for days, making the situation much worse. He refuses any fertility investigations and I can't exactly bully him into have his semen tested!
Meanwhile, my obsession with getting pregnant has kept growing and has become all consuming, this is all I can think of.

The past year has been utter hell for me, I can barely function.
I've been battling anxiety, depression, still mourning the loss of my baby, I quit my job, stopped teaching yoga which I spent two hard years training for, lost interest in everything (apart from getting pregnant). I've been just existing, doing agency work, I can barely concentrate, and I can barely function. The only thing keep me going is my DD.

Please stay with me if you got this far reading my story.
Only a few days ago we had another classic fallout with DH, when he accused me of abusing him! We're of course not talking and he's giving me the silent treatment as he's always had.
I have now come to a point in my life that this is just getting too much. I'm contemplating moving back to Europe to be with my parents taking DD with me, she's bilingual and I've asked DH in an email to give written permission to take DD with me, but I'm worried.
Worried about a huge move & upheaval. At the moment I find it hard just to get out of bed, never mind moving countries. I think it will tip me over the edge. This would also mean that I'd have to give up having another DC which is not what I have envisaged.
I still hold onto the dream of us being a happy family unit with a new baby, and I cannot let go of this dream.
If I leave him, I wouldn't have the time to find someone else and have another baby and I don't want to have it with someone else, I want it with DH. Is it worth saving this falling marriage and have a baby before it's too late or just leave him and start a new life with DD, which is not what I really want, but can't go on like this either.
Equally, I have to consider DD,I don't want her to be separated from her dad, it would not be fair on her and would brake her heart.

Thank you for reading.

Yes, it would not be great to move back to the Continent and separate your daughter from her dad. Also wouldn't be at all sensible to have a child with this partner. It's hardly surprising if your partner does not want a child with you in this situation.

You weren't planning on having another child, and were OK with that before you fell pregnant? I would also wonder if your feelings of desperation to have a child are mainly symptoms of depression. Have you seen a specialist?

Either you stay with your partner and accept he’s just not interested in another child, accept his behaviour ( have you heard the term gaslighting btw?) and try to make things work or you move on whether having a baby alone or making a new life with dd. Regardless I feel like you should seek some counselling for your grief over your lost baby, coming to terms with perhaps not having another and depressive symptoms. Making that first step is hard and motivating yourself is really difficult so well done you for recognising things aren’t right with yourself.
Good luck op.

Miscarriage is devastating, even if the pregnancy was unplanned.

I have been there, three years ago, at almost 3 months pregnant, and it still stings. I found something that reminded me of it all the other day, and sat and cried for a good hour. You have my sympathy. I am still unable to part with the things I bought. I can't even throw the pregnancy test in the bin! It sounds stupid but I know I am too old now to conceive again... I may foster in the future... it was never my plan to have children originally so I did not expect it to hurt so much.

I had counselling with a lady on the NHS. I had several sessions, she was excellent. I would advise you to seek help through your GP. I really don't know how I would have coped without the counselling. Although my parents were there for me, they were not all that supportive as they said I was too old to be having a child and were sort of glad I lost the baby. My partner, now ex, was in Ireland and I got a couple of phone calls. He was blase about the pregnancy and very selfish anyway, and never flew over to see me.

I was alone really. And you can be alone even when surrounded by other people. You really do sound depressed and a depressed brain cannot make good decisions.

I am sorry you are going through this, it does sound like some kind of crisis. I too suggest you visit the GP and get some counselling for grief. At this time you aren't able to cope with arguments with your DP - could you stay somewhere else for a week or two with your DD?

A very good way to move forward is to stop blaming each other and focus on the good things you have together. If you love him enough to want a baby with him, then the relationship can be healed. That might take time, hard work and commitment though.

@Gemma1971, thank you for your kind words and understanding.
I'm sorry you had to go through miscarriage as well.
As you said it hurts a lot, even if it wasn't planned.

@jobbinggogger, staying somewhere else to clear the air sounds like an excellent idea, I just don't know where?
I don't have any family here, and I don't really want to disrupt DD's school and I don't have any close friends nearby to feel comfortable enough to ask to stay with them.

I am so sorry, you truly sound in a desperate situation. I really need you to seek urgent medical assistance with counselling and get to grips with the depression and anxiety that maybe grief related. I can see you are really struggling. Perhaps your husband really didn't want this other baby but you have tried for a year to no avail and he doesn't want any tests....do you think he might have had a vasectomy without your knowledge? I am just questioning this as his behaviour might be because you are not in the right mindset to have one and he can see this or because he knows he can't have one anymore. I am keen to see you back to yoga if you can, this will help you get through this terrible time you are experiencing. You can get better but you need professional help now. Good luck OP.

Hi, I can so relate to what you have written. I am from Northern Europe and I have been in your shoes. If you like I can message you directly in your inbox?

Taking your DD away from the place she knows and her Dad now is a terrible idea. By all means contemplate some time apart without the pressures your relationship is currently under. If you are depressed and it sounds as though could be you need to focus on getting better. A baby won’t fix that. You need to take time for yourself first, your DD then your relationship.

I’m not absolving your DH of any poor behaviour but living with someone with depression can be hard to. It sounds to me as though he knows a baby won’t make you better even if he wanted one in the first place. Speak to your GP.

Im so sorry to read your post but agree you should see your GP and get some help for depression and your grief. I would gently suggest that your dream of a family of 4 is not realistic sadly - i think your DH may not be on board with another baby if you had one and it may be a struggle juggling everything and make your relationship worse. I think giving up your job after miscarriage has attributed to the feeling of being lost. Wishing you well

It sounds like he doesn't want another child.

What kind of therapy are you having? Is it private? I found Nhs therapy utterly useless.

It sounds like you need more than what you are currently receiving. It doesn't sound like an environment to bring a baby into. If you don't want the man unless you can have a baby then that's a huge problem.

I'd suggest stepping back from everything, and up the therapy.

The silent treatment is quite abusive to be honest. Punishing someone with silence is very manipulating and a way to get control of the situation again. That needs dealt with.

However, I think a lot of the rest of it is down to your mental health. Is he only trying for a baby because that's what you want? Would it be wrong if he doesn't want another baby? He isn't abusing you by voicing his doubts about another child. He perhaps feels that's what you want and he has to do it? This is probably causing a lot of tension.

I would shelf the idea of taking your DD to another country away from her dad but keep the option of separating very open as you both don't sound very happy

Staying in an abusive environment and growing up thinking abusive relationships are healthy or normal is no good for your daughter -it's actively harmful to her in the long term as well as short term - and would not be a good situation to bring a child into. I'm sorry.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - sulks, silent treatment, counter accusations etc etc are abuse too. It's about control not nastiness or violence.

I'm already doing some counselling and therapy, NHS.
I' m also on medication, which only supresses the despair I feel on a daily basis. My GP was/is useless.

@Lightinthedark I would really appreciate it. Please do PM me.

Everyone else, thanks for your advice. I really don't want to take DD away from her dad, she adores him. Nor do I want to punish DH by taking her daughter away half across the world.
But I'm desperate and don't know how to make things better, when all therapy and medication doesn't even touch the surface

This really is your low point, you have to believe things will get better. Pinning that hope on a baby is a bad idea. It probably won’t help. Why not stop trying for a bit and give yourself some time to heal both you and your relationship or not.

Find a better GP, getting the right medication and counselling will help. Lots of people find life after bereavement. It won’t go away but it will get easier. Go to counselling, take a week or two back in your home country. Take back up yoga. Spend time with your DD as a family with no pressure on the relationship. You have to want this to get better and I promise you a baby is not a band aid.

Hi again, not sure how you inbox on here, at work and will do this once home

Could you get back into the yoga, do you think, or get some other kind of job? You would be in a better position if you had cash coming in, independently, and being with other people and having something to do can really help your mental health.

I know it is hard to even imagine doing anything at all when you are feeling that low. One trick can be to sign up to as much stuff as possible at a time of day/week when you are feeling well enough to be up, dressed, washed and feeling a bit human. Then, later, you might not really feel up for it but as you've already arranged to do it, you'll feel under pressure to go.

I'd also speak to the GP and see if you could get more or different ADs, as if you're on the right ones you should at least be able to function.

Divide the future into the long and the short term, and deal with the short term first, remembering that things might change totally in the long term. For instance, maybe your dp could move out in the short term (does he have family nearby?) and then later, if you do manage to get a job or sort out benefits, you could find your own place.

Are there any local expat groups with people from your country, or other countries? That might also be a source of support. I'm an expat where I live, and I'd offer a fellow expat help simply knowing that they face similar challenges to me.

@ravenmum, thank you for your advice.
Although I only do agency work and contracts, I'm still the breadwinner ( I'm a medical professional) and earn a lot more than DH. So money isn't an issue and I do have savings which DH has no access to.
I have to work and so far have managed to have enough self-discipline to go to work. Meeting lots of people because of it, but not interested in making friends (who would want a miserable person like me as their friend anyway). I just cannot focus on small talk when Im going through a major crisis.
DH is still not talking to me and I'm totally exhausted of it all.
I still don't know what the future holds, I just wanted us to be a solid loving couple and a solid family unit. But him dragging his feet about having another baby and holding his cards close to his chest and not giving me the kind of support I felt needed in the past year has just pissed me off.
My immediate plan is to get stronger mentally, with or without him, then take it from there. I'd prefer it with him, but the hurt has cut so deep that I don't think we can heal it anymore.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my woes.

I feel so bad for you. I’m so sorry for all your pain. I get a sense that your relationship, despite its previous ups and downs, has really been put to the rest but that the love is still there. There’s a lot to lose but it’s hard to fight and stay strong when you feel so sad and consumed with emotion. Whereas your husband stonewalling you was something you might previously have tolerated, you don’t have the headspace for this kind of behaviour right now and you’re angry with him for not sharing your enthusiasm for having another baby. If you can avoid it, try not to make big decisions at the moment but perhaps focus on little things to help you feel stronger emotionally. What about going to relate as a couple? Xx

That's excellent if you are independent financially, as it gives you more options, whether you stay or leave. Would you, for example, have enough spare cash to e.g. get yourself an airbnb for a couple of weeks, if you think your mental health is up to being alone, that is?

I know what you mean about having no energy for small talk in a crisis. But it's up to you whether you make superficial conversation or actually talk to people properly about things that mean something to you. Those people you think wouldn't want to talk about your misery all have their own complex home lives and might have similar experiences to you that they would love to talk about with someone too.

If you stay with your husband and manage to have another child, even in that best case scenario it seems very unlikely that the baby would grow up in a happy nuclear family. You have no idea whether that would cure your depression or not, and you would still be in this roller-coaster marriage with a man you can't communicate with well, who you don't trust or feel is on your side. If you continue trying for a baby, it has to be in the full knowledge that you are just as likely to end up still depressed and also a single mum of two.