Help me understand DP's ex

[KevinKlineSwoon]

I have been someone for about 6 months. He and his wife split around 16 months ago and although it was choice, it was always amicable. I know them both through friends but don't know her well. She has known about my relationship with her ex from the start and has always been nice. She took me for coffee to wish us well a few months ago, she bought me a birthday card etc.
But lately, she seems to be really bothered by him and me. She is refusing to have the kids at weekends, she has told him she wants to speak to me about things, she is shouting at him in front of the kids saying he wants to be rid of them.
He is very upset and I am really confused. Does it sound like she is regretting her decision?

*It was HER choice

They have separated and will now be experiencing the inevitable consequences of that split. These are emotional, financial and practical.

Whilst it is difficult to discuss her emotional reaction to the separation without knowing her it is nearly always the case that she (and he) will be worse off financially. Even if this is mitigated by support from her ex and the state, it is shock to the system to become dependent financially if she wasn’t before. Unless you are very rich or have nothing, divorce makes you feel like you have lost out financially. Mainly because you will have and you tumble back a few years in terms of life planning for things like retirement and home ownership.

Managing co parenting is disruptive to everyone’s life. She has to work around his new life as well as all the other things.

No matter how much she wanted to separate, she might be finding it lonely. She might be finding her own love life isn’t working out the way she thought it would. She might be seeing her ex behaving in way with you he never did with her (this happens). She might be resentful that she does a lionshare of weekday parenting and never gets quality time to herself if she works around school.

My advice to you, is that you need to recognise you got involved with a situation involving a separated family who inevitably will be in the midst of turmoil for sometime. This causes stress for them and will continue to do so. You choice a man with baggage, recent baggage that might not be as well packed as he or you all thought.

Thank you Lemon TT. That is very sensible and reasonable.

It was very different when I left my exH but every situation is different so this has really helped see things fairly.

Great post from Lemon.

OP, it is still early days for them (assuming they were together for many years before they split) and it's normal to not yet be over it, even if she thought she was over it when you first got together with your DP.

How often does he have the kids?

In the case of my bf's exw it turned out to be because she was breaking up with her new partner ...

@Chitarra He has the kids Tues-Fri after school and all day on a Sunday. His job is more flexible than hers.

@ravenmum She definitely doesn't have a partner - so that is maybe what is upsetting her. Maybe it's hard to see your ex move on with someone new when you haven't yet met anyone. I could imagine that feeling really unfair.

I wouldn't bet on her telling you if she's been dating :) It would explain why she suddenly wanted the weekends free. Maybe she's had a bit of a let-down or got some other problems and it's all just a bit much for her at the moment. 16 months is really not long at all.

Doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him? Tried to be ok with it in the beginning hence coffee date & birthday card for you? That would be my guess.

• possible rejects and not having any luck with finding anyone herself is probably just adding to it?

My DB had/has this when his ex. She seems to have very short relationships with guys but when seeing a guy she's nice as pie, the minute they break up she's bitter, lashing out at DB, preventing access to his DD...and all sorts of other crazy nonsense! She doesn't actually love him still or want to be with him, he's just her (ole reliable) punchbag it seems....18 years down the line...

**possible regrets, not rejects...

16 months isn't really very long to get used to a whole new way of life if they were married & together a long time.
It's difficult letting go of someone you have loved and become so close to. Even if it wasn't always good surely they had a life, with kids and realising that's all over and never coming back isn't easy, none of it is. Most likely there will always be tensions. He's ' moved on' pretty quickly too so I'd be more surprised if everything was smooth sailing with exW.

I think it’s hard if you loved somebody but they didn’t treat you right. Then you initiate a split and see them going above and beyond for somebody else. You inevitable think “why couldn’t you have just done that stuff for me” it is what it is. Very tricky.