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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend drinks and doesn't come home every week!

19 replies

Ilovesunshine22 · 17/09/2019 21:25

I don't even know where to start really! To cut a long story short I have been my partner for 7 years we met in our early/mid twenties and we have two children one from a previous relationship one together. Now ever since we met he's always loved a drink and a night out and that was fine back in the day but for years and years now he has really taken the piss and is walking all over me and I don't know what to do anymore he goes to the pub anywhere between 1-4 nights a week or goes to a mates house to drink he never tells me he's going there instead I sit at home waiting for him to come home from work most evenings calling him over and over again with no answer then every time he switches his phone off and 9 times out of 10 he doesnts come home all night! Sometimes I even speak to him on his way home from work and he says oh can't wait for dinner babe or that he's missed us today but still doesn't bother coming home o don't get it! And I'm so sick of it I feel like I've gone through hell and back with his binge drinking nights out for years now sometimes he can go missing for up to 3 days to with his phone off the whole time. It makes me feel awful, I don't feel good enough anymore, my confidence is knocked I hate that my kids have to be around us arguing when he finally returns and I feel like I've done everything thing to help him and support him he has even recently spent £350 on getting drink councilling and didn't go out for 2 months but then was soon back to his old tricks! Even the councilor has said he's not a alcoholic it's his choice. I even kicked him out before and he begged to come back crying and promising he will change, I've cried my heart out to him over and over again begging him to change and although he agrees at the time and says the right things he doesn't in the end. He's always sorry when he's home then he either turns on the tears or starts saying stuff for me to feel sorry for him like he's a shit person, and there must be something wrong with him! Then the drink makes him depressed after for a few days so I have to deal with his mood swings. He ruins everything he got drunk valentine's Day and didn't come home, on mother's Day, the day before our sons birthday when we had planned a day out the next day, I was going away for 3 nights abroad for my friends hen do and he didn't come back home after going missing for 2 days before I had to last minute drop the kids to my mum's else I would of missed my flight then I spend the whole hen do crying and worrying about where he was feeling hurt yet again that he let me down, and last weekend he went out drinking and didn't come home untill the day we where having a family weekend away which completely ruined the whole weekend. Surely he doesnt love me even though he says he does. Please help with any advice I'm misreble it's completely dragging me down but for some reason I can't leave because he always says the right thing the next day I don't want to be this unhappy anymore.

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 17/09/2019 21:35

Im so sorry op. My father was an alcoholic/binge drinker and it fucking terrified me, fucked my self esteem, ive suffered with depression and anxiety my whole life. Please get some help for you and your children.

Heartburn888 · 17/09/2019 21:45

Sod this op. My dp was like this! Spending money al the time drinking bringing friends back to the house whilst I was in bed to carry on the drinking session. I feel your pain and sympathise with you! It’s fucking awful. Either he needs to change or you need to leave him.

In my situation my dp was using drugs too and this made him very depressed and he was contemplating his life which kick started him into getting help from his gp and also started attending the Alcoholics Anonymous groups and narcotics anonymous groups. They are great as it’s totally changed him. He has had a blip once or twice but they are few and far between and he’s realised himself that family is the most important thing and what he needs to do to keep things ticking over I.e getting up and going to work.

He found it hard at first because drinking was his hobby. He didn’t and still doesn’t think he was/is an alcoholic and I’m not sure if he is just more a binge drinker but there is help out there for people who want it.

Maybe he is having a crisis and needs to reach rock bottom before he can get a handle on his life. Has he always been like this?

kmarie9 · 17/09/2019 21:51

I've just come out of a similar situation (not drink related but t disappearing and just generally not being around). Getting out was the best thing I ever did, we have a son together but I had to take a step back and ask myself if it wasn't for him would I still be here? The answer was a firm no and that was when I decided my son would probably be happier if I was too and I left the situation. I can honestly say my mental health has improved in leaps and bounds since that day. I've moved got a great new job and things couldn't be better. Please don't trap yourself in a relationship that's going nowhere you only get one life if your not happy only you can change that as he clearly isn't willing to!

Winter2019 · 17/09/2019 22:03

I'm sorry OP... It's easy to say I know it honestly - get rid!!! You and the kids don't deserve it! Kids (don't know how old they are) will remember it.. I got some terrible memories from my childhood when my father was an alcoholic and it really can f* you up... I know he'll be begging and promising etc but honestly that's what they do... If he sorts his life out and you still want him yous can be together but until then..

Mummyoftwo91 · 17/09/2019 22:03

I've been here op😢 I had no choice but to leave for the sake of my kids, eventually he got help but I didn't let him back into our lives for a very long time he had a lot to prove, but you can't force someone to change they have to want to change

mommybear1 · 17/09/2019 22:11

Time to go OP you deserve far better as do your children- set an example to them as their Dad clearly isn't. Good luck Thanks

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2019 22:15

His primary relationship is with alcohol. Not with you.
Time to get away.

Bigmango · 18/09/2019 05:38

Not sure if this matters in the grand scheme of things but fair old chance it’s coke keeping him up and away from the house for so long. Has he ever discussed this with you?

His behaviour is totally and utterly unacceptable - whatever reason it is he is staying out.

MMadness · 18/09/2019 06:01

Walk. You and your children deserve better. Way better. And it's out there.

DramaFarmer · 18/09/2019 06:04

“Please help with any advice I'm misreble it's completely dragging me down but for some reason I can't leave because he always says the right thing the next day I don't want to be this unhappy anymore.”

You can leave if you stop believing ‘the right thing ‘. He is lying. Long experience tells you he will not keep his promises. You can leave. You are just not choosing to.

Look: there is no magic third solution here. You either stay miserable, or leave.

You will be su much happier!

Currently your hanging on to this relationship is affecting your children, your friends (who wants someone crying about their relationships on s hen do?), your Mum, everyone around you

He won’t change.

You and everyone around you deserve better.

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2019 06:21

I don't want to be this unhappy anymore.

Then you have to choose but you already know that staying means more of the same.

millmoo · 18/09/2019 06:29

Walk away ! If you don’t do it for you do it for your children.
Do you want their childhood to be ruined by alcohol ? Do you want them to grow up believing this is normal and how a relationship should be . I walked away from my exp due to his drinking . Yes it was hard as I was taking my children away from their father but now they are older they thank me for it .
He won’t change , my ex didn’t and my dd’s see what damage he has done do himself through alcohol and they’re glad they didn’t have to live with it .
Please please please do this for your DC’s and of course you . You deserve better ❤️

sawyersfishbiscuits · 18/09/2019 06:37

Get out of there OP. You deserve so much better. So do your kids. They don't need to grow up thinking that this is normal.

sleepynewmumxo · 18/09/2019 07:27

It's odd a counsellor said he wasn't an alcoholic, when he clearly is.

He sounds very manipulative! and you sound very miserable, i think you know you need to kick him to the curb.

stucknoue · 18/09/2019 07:30

Please leave him, my friend gave her so many chances but unless they give up drink completely he will not change. Some people cannot drink moderately unfortunately. Put you and the kids first

ColaFreezePop · 18/09/2019 07:36

If he's not an alcoholic then he's making a conscious decision that he rather spend time with alcohol than with you.

As many PPs have said you know what to do and this time stay firm as he's shown you who he is.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2019 07:53

Actually whether he is an alcoholic or not is irrelevant. You're desperately unhappy and he treats you, your kids and your relationship as an inconvenience to his preferred lifestyle.

You don't actually need us to tell you what the answer is. You already know it. You just need to stick to it this time.

LellyMcKelly · 18/09/2019 09:53

He’s treating you very badly. You and the kids are not the most important things in his life. Booze is and it will not change. You need to do what’s best for your children, and yourself. Your kids deserve a happy mum.

HypatiaCade · 18/09/2019 10:39

I'm sure he does love you, and wants to be with you. But he doesn't love you enough to make you a priority in his life. His priority is alcohol, and the ability to do as he pleases when he wants. He wants you to wait around to be there for those times when he wants to spend time with you, and what you want doesn't enter into it.

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