Ex wife drama am I being unreasonable?

[alittlelost12]

Hi

I'm really after some advise.

My fiancé is divorced with 3 children. I'm separated with 2. His ex wife is high conflict and we've had some many issues over the past 2 years. She's currently pregnant with her new partner. We've been together 2.5 years. Me and my ex are shared custody of my children and he was his sons 2nights then 4 the following week and his daughter for dinner 1 night and then the following weekend.

All the conflict is taking its toll on me and I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

Just to a few things that have happened. She's lied about my partner wanting her back, she's dropped the kids off to me saying his told her I'd have them while she goes out, she's been in the house and took photos and gone through our things while his 14 year old was home alone, she claimed my engagement ring was hers - it's not. She's said on many occasions we don't feed the kids and we do they're well fed, she will find any excuse to contact my partner, she says he only uses me. She reported my partner to cms for not paying when he'd actually over paid! I was in bed once ill and didn't hear the door and apparently I was ignoring the door to stop their children coming. It wasn't even our weekend so I was not expecting them. We went to Mexico just me and him and the few days before we went his daughter who was 3 at the time was not herself and we said take her to doctor because we thought she had a water infection but she didn't which was odd because normally she's at the doctors with them for a cough because it's something to contact him over, and literally on our 3rd day she took her to hospital with a water infection and sent my partner photos of her in hospital which she later let slip looked worse then they were and she was actually running around happy after....I could go on with so much more.

We've had the children more nights to help her as she was struggling with them and it was ruining her relationship. We've taken the kids aboard, we buy them clothes and do things with them and she receives maintenance so we're doing our part but it's still never enough. If there's a way of twisting something she will do it.

It all seems to go around in circles, there will be fall out and after fall out and then she seems to want to be civil when she wants something and then before we know it there's more drama.

I've asked my partner to take a step back which we've done before and reduce contact and put firm boundaries in place because it's pattern and any communication good or bad just seems to fuel her behaviour and before when he did life was so much easier but he says he can't because it's too hard and she won't stick to it. He says I moan when she calls and I blame him for her behaviour I don't blame him but when he gives her so many opportunities to cause upset he is kind of at fault by being to soft. Only he can put boundaries in place. I can literally guess what she's going to next and I'm always spot on! She does this while her partner is at work so he doesn't know the half of it.

Am I being unreasonable asking to to move more towards parallel parenting?

Do you mean you would like to reduce contact between your partner and his children?

You can’t seriously be suggesting he sees less of his children?

Totally unreasonable of you to try and reduce his contact with his children. Not however unreasonable to draw some firm boundaries with ex wife around her behaviour if she’s affecting you that much. Maybe also look at your behaviour- are you making the situation worse by nagging about ex calling or contact times- could it be subconscious? I used to snarl every time dh’s Exs name was mentioned and it was honestly involuntary. Your dh’s ex may well be a pita but it’s going to cause real problems if both of you are giving him grief about the other. Maybe you could step back and let him handle it.

whats parallel parenting?

By parallel parenting she presumably means less contact with the ex wife.

What is that?

That's not unreasonable OP.

Definitely not seeing less of his kids, I didn't say that I mean reducing contact with her so when it's emergencies and putting a proper routine in place so she can use that an excuse.

Parallel parenting is where parents can't get along and there's a lot of drama can disengaged so life is better for the parents and kids. It's set times and routine and limited contacted, through parenting apps unless an emergency. I tried to look online to find a solutions and what other people do in these situations. Me and my ex get on well so it's new ground to me.

I fully support him with his kids and have them often on my own!

I do nag but when someone has gone through your underwear draw and is constantly being a pain it's really hard not too as I do feel if he didn't give her chance after chance this would not happen

I think you need to take this man as he is tbh.

If he was going to put boundaries in place, he will have done it by now. It's not meant to be this difficult... if he didn't want his ex impinging on his life, he'd have put things in place to sort it, parallel parenting would already be in place.

I do nag but when someone has gone through your underwear draw and is constantly being a pain it's really hard not too as I do feel if he didn't give her chance after chance this would not happen

Yes, obviously it would be better if he didn't give her all these chances. But is this situation going to improve when one woman is running the show, the man is going along with it, and the new woman is trying to nag the man into taking control?

I tried to look online to find a solutions and what other people do in these situations.

Your dynamic with your OH is fucked, sorry. HE is the one who should be doing this, if he actually cared. It sounds like he likes being with women who run the show, so that he can sit back and shake his head about how "her indoors is just a nag"

YANBU to be irked by her behaviour but it’s up to him to change the dynamic between him and his ex, if he’s unwilling to do so you’re on a hiding to nothing.

My DH and his ex speak as little as possible. Definitely parallel parenting rather than coparenting and it works fine and has done for years. But it’s mutually satisfactory, neither has ever pushed for more contact than there is. She’s never been to our house ever, DH does all pick ups and drop offs, contact is agreed in 4 month blocks and we’re flexible and have them extra when she asks - she’s often ill so we’ll keep them when she says - but we don’t ever ask for flexibility from her and it works fine. Birthday celebrations are done separately. They each have a relationship with school so no contact about that. It’s clear cut and amicably unamicable as they’re not friends and don’t choose to communicate anymore than the bare minimum but it suits everyone and the children know how it works. My parents got on well post divorce and it was much friendlier but boundaries got blurred at times and it was confusing for us so there are swings and roundabouts.

Thank you. That's what I'd much prefer in all honesty and there was point he did stick to it for 6-8 months and life was so much easier, even he admits that which is the most frustrating part!

I do blame him a bit and he doesn't seem to understand or care I suppose that if she's not got the opportunity to cause problems she won't. She couldn't get into her dress up one time he picked the kids up she was going out and all done up she got their eldest son to come out and ask my partner to help her so I said I'd rather she drops the kids off since and he drops them back because at least he can drop them and ago and isn't waiting for their things etc but he sees that as me being controlling. When all I'm trying to do is protect our relationship.

I would not move my relationship forward without resolving this, and I would tell him that. Unless, of course, you want this to be your future.

I'd be blaming him more than a bit.

He's showing you what he's really like. Take a good look and realise that if you stick with him that you are stuck in this situation it even worse. His priority is clearly the ex rather than you.

It's up to him how he parents and you can't force him to get his head out of the sand

His EXW should not be coming into your house at all. At best, meet at the door, hand over the child and wave goodbye. Or meet somewhere outside/away from the home. But your fiance needs to draw that boundary.

As a PP has mentioned, if he won't do that you could be letting yourself in for a life of misery with his EXW butting in on your relationship. This has potential to be a deal-breaker.