Does my Grandma sound like a narcissistic mother?

[wheresmymojo]

I know there are quite a few people on here who have narcissistic mothers and I'm wondering if you think my DGM sounds like one.

• She never shows any affection or ever verbally praises my DM (not now, not in childhood)

• She expects to be able to criticise and pick apart other people's motivations but gets extremely defensive if it's done in return

• At the end of a difficult family holiday last week my DM had a bad upset stomach - DGM suddenly started crying (first time I've seen this in 37 yrs) and made out she was upset. It was over nothing and IMO was to put herself back at the centre of attention. I also noticed my DM reacted by really fussing over her and trying to 'fix it' or 'make her better' when it was objectively clearly over dramatic

• She is very dramatic: things like storming off when she doesn't get her own way

• Appears to have little empathy for others but expects lots of attention/help/support herself

• Talks about their own need to be 'cherished' in relationships but doesn't demonstrate any ability to cherish others or realise its two way

• Makes lots of demands on DM's time. Not in a 'would you mind helping me with x' but in a 'you will have to do x'

• As an example: I was in a psychiatric hospital for 2 x month long periods and she didn't call or write to me at all. When I came out of hospital and we went for a meal she pointed out how much weight I'd put on and said 'no man will want you now you're that fat'. Seemed unable to see that was inappropriate at the best of times and actually shocking to say to someone with severe depression/bipolar

• Seems to spend a lot of time worrying about her son (my Uncle) and telling DM that she must help him, sort of preferential treatment. Even though my DM is lovely and very giving of time and money and Uncle is more like my DGM.

Any thoughts?

I've just been on holiday with them (DM & DGM) for a week and my DM is really struggling with their relationship at the moment.

Yes op she sounds like a nightmare.

But... the lovely thing about it is that you have only realised at the age of 37. Therefore your mother has protected you from it and not made hurtful comments about her own mother to you over the tears, which you could say is very loving of her

Yes, my DM is a bloody superstar.

She has protected me from all kinds - not just this but also my abusive father - she packed her bags and left in the middle of a day when he was at work when she realised I was in danger.

She's my hero basically....and definitely picked up no narc tendencies from her own DM. I just feel a bit sorry for her that she doesn't get to have the mother/daughter relationship that I have IYSWIM.

Any recommendations of books to help her work through it would be gratefully received...

Oh bless you. She sounds almost exactly like my DM. One feature of my relationship with DM is its really not the kind of relationship I want with DD when I'm older. I bet all the tea in China that having a positive relationship with her adult DD is the best gift you can ever give her.

Yup. My gran was one. The key thing is that they are selfish AF and cruel.

I would recommend 'no more narcissists' by Candace v love. Although its focus is about how to stop choosing shit partners it talks a lot about codependency as a result of childhood abuse/shit parents ect. I wish my mum would read it. She was the golden child (her sisters went on to marry abusers as the scapegoats) but I can see the affect it has had on her in that she is such a people pleaser now, often other own detriment.

*to her own detriment