Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to help a young mother who needs to leave an abusive partner

19 replies

flamingnoravera · 17/09/2019 19:08

I am quite close to a young woman (26) who is suffering abuse from her partner. I know her partner quite well too because he is the son of my ex. He is a control freak and a very angry man.

last week my friend contacted a local womens charity because he had threatened to strangle her whilst she was asleep and it was the final straw. They assessed her as high risk and asked her to log the incidents with the police. She did this and the police turned up on their doorstep last night at 9pm when she had clearly told them not to call when he is at home from work. She had an interview with LA housing today and they said she was "band 3" I am not sure what this means but she says its low priority because she is going to have to leave because he will not. She is terrified of being stuck in a tower block in an area she does not know (we live in a city) and surrounded by more people like her partner.

The charity have said they have to report what they have heard to SServices so she knows she has to take action to keep her son safe but she is now saying she cannot leave him and she is terrified of how she will cope. I dont know what to say to help her. I have suggested womens aid and she says she cannot face being in a hostel because it could be miles from where she works and she needs her job for the money (but he controls her bank account).

I am on text with her now and she is wavering about whether she should tell him she is leaving (I dont think she should) if she does he will kick off. If he kicks off then we call the police and in some ways it would make it easier but her landlord wont accept benefits tennants.I have offered to be a guarantor for her for the landlord (he lives above them and has heard the shouting and screaming) I think he might be sympathetic.

One minute she is leaving the next she cannot do it. I dont know what to say apart from to keep reminding her of why she called the aid charity last week for support.

I need to talk to her now...back shortly. Help very much appreciated in this moment of crisis. She thinks he reads her texts, he has all her passwords and he spends all his time when not working on a game on his computer or shouting at her calling her a dirty bitch because the washing up is not done (from his tea).

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 17/09/2019 19:15

She has a 2 year old DS with the partner- sorry should have mentioned this.

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 17/09/2019 19:36

She absolutely needs to speak to women's aid and she must not tell him what she is going to do. Please think carefully about being guarantor for her - it's very kind but if she is unable to pay the rent it will come to your door even if that's via a bailiff.

flamingnoravera · 17/09/2019 19:43

Her employer might be better as a guarantor (but it it is her partners grandmother- she knows what's been happening but has dementia and is immobile so can't help much). I'm also willing to risk the money if it keeps her and her son safe.

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 17/09/2019 20:32

I'm going round in the morning before work to pack her stuff into my car. I think she's ok tonight. Housing worker coming tomorrow to move her.

OP posts:
Bigmango · 17/09/2019 20:37

Bumping. Well done you. No advice but hope someone comes along with some.

2girlsandagap · 17/09/2019 20:43

Help her get her important documents together, remind her to turn off location on her mobile and just be there once the drama of leaving has passed and she’s sat in a hostel on her own in the evenings when the baby is asleep. That’s the hard part, getting used to a new normal but being totally isolated.
I found my friends were brilliant during the leaving part but after that settled I was very alone and it was then I started wavering and doubting my choices.

flamingnoravera · 17/09/2019 21:17

Documents in hand. Passwords for banking changed.

We don't know if she's being moved to furnished or unfurnished accommodation. She's panicking about what to take.

OP posts:
eladen · 17/09/2019 22:39

Irreplaceable things.

Every time she wobbles remind her it's natural and everybody who's ever left an abusive man wobbles too. It's scary but a temporary kind of scary.

"You're doing the right thing."

things won't be perfect but they can be made better and made perfect. Abuse can never be made better.

Don't expect her to instantly be transformed once she's left. It takes a long time to recover from abuse and feel okay about having left. There is a lot of brainwashing to undo and trauma to heal. If she goes back don't give up on her - it can take multiple attempt a to leave for good.

Look up www.freedomprogramme.co.uk courses.

I have to say, if he's threatened to kill her I don't understand why she's been left there and not been found a place in a refuge (not a hostel with men, a women's refuge with specialist support).

Long term I can't see that working for a member of his family is going to enable her to break free and stay safe from him.

eladen · 17/09/2019 22:40

Were the passwords changed on a device he could have installed keystroke logging software on?

eladen · 17/09/2019 22:41

Oh and the local women's charity sound a bit dangerously inept. Call women's aid.

Thegullfromhull · 17/09/2019 22:44

A sad post that just encapsulates so many of the reasons that women stay in abusive relationships.
You’re a good friend. It’s just so devastatingly tough for women in these circumstances.

flamingnoravera · 18/09/2019 21:11

At six this morning we packed up her stuff (after he had gone to work) she is now safe in emergency housing, it's not great but it's not too bad. She's safe. I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
Moffa · 18/09/2019 21:21

Well done @flamingnoravera

She is lucky to have you as a friend. I hope she can keep going Flowers

flamingnoravera · 18/09/2019 21:26

Thanks moffa I feel drained, I'm working, helping her and trying to care for my mum with dementia (from a distance) and my uncle is dying too. It all feels hopeless and I'm sinking into melancholy.

OP posts:
Kitty1184 · 18/09/2019 21:32

How fortunate she is having someone like you looking out for her Flowers

HelenUrth · 19/09/2019 00:25

Well done OP. Hopefully you can take a bit of time for yourself too, that's a lot to deal with but so generous of you to help that young Mum. Sleep easier knowing you've made the world a safer place for her and her child.

Mary1935 · 19/09/2019 09:53

Hi flaming well done for helping her but time to try and look after your own mental health.
I hope she’s blocked him.

flamingnoravera · 20/09/2019 08:05

She's not blocked him, he still needs to see him for contact with the baby. She says she can keep him safe and police and social services have backed off so I have to let her manage it. She won't go back to living with him but thinks they could manage to parent the child together.

My mum's DH was rushed into hosp last night so I've got to concentrate on my mum and getting her into care now.

OP posts:
sashh · 20/09/2019 09:27

What an awful situation and what a good friend you are.

One thing, her baby needs supervised contact with dad, if he has to have contact, he will use any contact to undermine her and guilt trip her.

Welldone OP

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread