Finding Online Dating Tough

[Dogwalker76]

I would consider myself a strong person but I'm finding the rejection encountered with online dating a bit tough.

I don't want to give up online dating as I don't meet single men my age in real life through work and hobbies etc.

The men I've liked have wanted flings and have then moved on. Recently I met someone I liked and they just don't want to know after the first date. I'm not forward, just sent a friendly text which was ignored.

I've also done the rejecting - I've been on dates and haven't wanted to see some men again. I try to be nice about it because it's ouch!

Does anyone else find it tough?

It really is tough, there's so many people available and for some it's like a kid in a sweet shop type scenario, so can be hard to make a real connection. You do have to develop a bit of a thick skin so you don't get hurt by timewasters, ghosters etc. I always try to meet quite quickly so I don't get over invested before we've even met and it has saved me a lot of disappointment.

If a casual fling is something you don't want, don't be afraid to make that clear quite early on when chatting. It's not pushy or forward to only want to be involved with people who have the same end goal as you. I always ask what they're looking for and if they ask me first I'm always honest and say I'm looking for a relationship. Anyone who has wanted something casual has always been lovely and wished me luck, no hard feelings. I don't see the point in dating someone for weeks wondering what they want only to be disappointed when I have feelings for them and they turn round and tell me they were never looking for anything serious.

It doesn't seem like it sometimes but there are nice, genuine people on OLD and you just need to weed through the people that aren't for you. Good luck!!

Yes. Tough, tough, tough.

My latest challenge is trying to avoid sexual chat. Not because I’m a prude, but because I want a relationship now, and I want someone to get to know me first. I know, crazy, huh?
Honestly though, you’d think just ignoring the comments would be a clear enough signal that I don’t want to? But noooooo.
I’d been talking to a guy for a week, date planned. I ran at the weekend and described feeling achey. The number of times he tried to bring that up later, comment about being stiff for other reasons, did I need things massaging, etc. I gave up in the end, told him it had gotten too creepy. His response was ‘don’t you like sex?’. Yes! We haven’t even met...

God it’s so depressing!

Thanks for your replies. It's good to know I'm not the only one finding it tough.

I try to avoid the sexual chat with people I haven't met too. I think some online daters test the water with pre-date sexting or they just want a sexy text buddy.

I think online dating must have been designed by a man. It plays totally into their hands and has seen a power shift sadly.
Have you thought of alternative ways to meet people if you feel it isn’t for you? Maybe Park Run, a club or a college course?
Good luck and keep your bar high to weed out the twats!

I've done various hobbies over the years - more to meet people and for self development than to meet a partner. I've made new friends which is great but haven't met a potential partner. I may look into doing another course.

Good luck to you too

It’s all very well being upfront about what you want, but the majority of men will lie about it to get you into bed.

Aye Sonata, but you get really good at weeding them out too. Trusting your instincts.

There’s hope for us all, the good ones are out there, they do exist

@SonataDentata that's true, sadly but in OLD and RL you're going to come across horrible people like that, it's one of the downsides of being in the dating game. If you're opening up your heart for love it's also going to be open to hurt, unfortunately. All you can do is take care of your side of things by being honest about what you want and do your best to weed those people out like @Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain says.

One of the biggest indicators of those types for me is the early sex chat. I always see people talking about how they're having to 'steer the conversation' away from sex chat but I've never felt like I've had to steer the conversation anywhere when I've been chatting to someone genuine. I've found that the ones who want relationships at least wait until they've met you before trying to take things to an explicit level.

It’s not always possible to weed them out. I’ve had men string me along for several months while showing no red flags along the way. I admit though that this is unusual and red flags are usually a very good indicator.

Hi there’s a online dating thread on here. It’s brilliant I’ve followed it for a while. There’s lots of experienced people on there who give fantastic advice, perhaps that could help.
I have done OLD for around a year and a half I’ve learned a few things over that time
1- don’t do the crazy texting for weeks. Your better to meet ASAP
2- i always suggest a phone call ( you get a much better feel that way)
3- first date I always just do a coffee. That way if it’s not for you you’re not stuck for hours
4- don’t listen to what these guys say, listen to what they do. I think it’s so easy for us to try and make something out of nothing. If they really want you they’ll show it
5- sex talk! In my experience men that want to engage in this chat constantly aren’t worth your time. I don’t mind there being a suggestion if it (because it’s something that’s very important to me) but I’m not wanting someone being vulgar. It’s such a turn off!
6- it’s like looking for a diamond in the rough but there are some there.

Just for a little bit of hope. I dated a lot of men in the last year and a half. I met someone six months ago and We are very happy together. I didn’t settle for anything less than I was looking for, so it’s important to know what it is you want from a relationship and as soon as you realise you’re not getting that it’s time to move on.
Have you read Matthew husseys ‘get the guy’ book. I’ve re-read certain chapters again and again and I’ve found his advice invaluable. It’s a book that empowers women.
Good luck in your search. Sometimes you need a break from it but don’t give up.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3693971-Dating-thread-170-Know-your-worth

Here’s a link to the thread

Sunnydays78 - I haven't read Matthew Hussey's book but I've watched some of his videos. A lot of what he says makes sense but at the end of the day if a man likes you, he likes you.

It's nice to hear that you've found a good one

Sonatadentata - I dated someone quite a few years ago that strung me along. As Dazlinghaze has said online dating can be like kids in a sweet shop mentality - so many choices.

Anyway, thanks for all your replies

I did OLD and found it savage for exactly the reasons you said. However eight years ago I decided to have one last go and met my now husband!

My commiserations OP it's brutal. I've been OLD for 4 years (with a few gaps when I was seeing someone). The ghosting, the dick pics, the disappointment when you go on a date and there's no chemistry... I could go on and on. I'd virtually given up in December when I matched with DP-we've been dating ever since and it's going really well so far.

I can assure you, as a decent man, OLD is hideous and doesn't get any better.

I've heard the stories from male online daters and it seems it can be tough for them too.

It's good to hear success stories. I will have to toughen up and keep trying