Am I overreacting?

[PurbeckStone]

DP and I live in a big city in a very central location. There’s no off-street parking and finding a spot at all is often difficult, so we regularly end up parking several streets away from our apartment.

When we got together ten years ago we both had our own cars which we sold a few years later and went on to buy just one (used but very nice) car. It’s his car, he paid for the lions share and I only chipped in a few thousand. We agreed to share the car (otherwise I would have refused to sell mine in the first place) but it only gets used about twice a week and I probably drive it more than he does as I do more of the grocery shopping, etc.

When DP came home from work earlier he happened to walk past the car and noticed some pretty ugly damage to the front bumper. He was understandably really annoyed and asked me if I had noticed anything this morning when I last used the car. I hadn’t but said that I couldn’t be sure as I was in a bit of a hurry and might have missed it. We had a bit of a moan about the shitty parking situation (we’ve had several incidents where people caused damage but didn’t leave a note) but apparently I wasn’t interested / outraged enough and too quiet which is apparently ’suspicious’. He now says it could easily have been me who damaged the car (it absolutely wasn’t, I am very careful) and that ’we both know I wouldn’t admit to it anyways’ if that was the case. I feel so so hurt by this assertion to the point where I’m tempted to call it quits on an otherwise pretty happy ten year relationship. It’s an incredibly unfair thing to say and I wonder how we can go on (planning on TTC next year) if he has such a low opinion of me. Am I overreacting? The whole thing has turned into a massive argument but he's refusing to apologize and standing by his comments.

So as not to drip-feed, the reason why I was less bothered by the damage than I would normally be was that someone had already driven into the front bumper earlier this year and their insurance has already paid out for a new bumper. We hadn’t got round to getting it changed yet (damage was internal and not very visible from the outside), so I felt that we were ’lucky’ there timing wise.
Oh, and please don’t jump on my SPAG, English is not my first language.

If he is implying your driving is rubbish because you are a woman does he have any other sexist views?
Like childcare /night feeds are dw work?
Time for big talks imo.

’we both know I wouldn’t admit to it anyways’ if that was the case.

I would be ENRAGED if my husband said that to me. Basically, he is saying you're a liar and deceiver. Is this the first time you've realised how low his opinion is of you? Personally, I don't see a way forward from this.

I know how you feel OP. My husband blames everything on me too. If the car gets dinged by a door or trolley in the supermarket, it's my fault. If there's any unexplained scratches or dents (sometimes barely visible to the naked eye) it's my fault too, even if I haven't driven the car for a while. He can never accept that these things happen when the car is parked, and that it's careless drivers/parkers/trolley pushers who are to blame. He always has the need to lay the blame at my door, and it drives me fucking crazy!

Is this the first time your DP has acted like this to you, or does he have form?

I'd be very irritated. What is he implying?

I would be really cross about his comments. I don't think it's a good reason to end a 10 year relationship though (unless he's an idiot in other ways too).

Most arguments are about stupid stuff like that when in a long term relationship. I would be cross, but not be thinking about ending it.
It’s that old married couple bickering really. You are angry at something and in venting, you lash out at someone you know will forgive you. It happens.
If this is first time in ten years, you are doing well! If it happens every ten days....that’s a problem .....that’s abuse.

Windy, he's not implying that my driving is rubbish. He happens to be an excellent driver but my driving is perfectly fine, too, and I'm actually very good at parking. No sexist views otherwise (would be a deal breaker for me), he actually keeps criticising how some of our male friends with kids dump far too much of the hard work of child rearing on their female partners.

Aquamarine, I wasn't aware that he appears to have such a low opinion of me at all, it's come as quite a shock to be honest. How can he consider starting a family with someone whom he obviously considers to be a liar?

TheRobin, I know what you mean! I normally don't get blamed for damage, but I agree that small dings and scratches, annoying as they are, are sadly unavoidable if you live in a busy area with lots of cars, cyclists and no off-street parking. DP gets massively pissed off every time there's something new (and yes, it happens far to often and the people who just leave the scene are cunts) and it actually stresses me out. He doesn't have form for anger issues otherwise, but damage to the car brings out the worst in him.

But this isn't really about the car for me, it goes much deeper than that. He's now gone out to get a take-away, asked me if I wanted anything like nothing has happened. I told him that a fucking take-away is the least of my worries when I've just found out that my partner thinks I'm a habitual liar. He thinks I'm massively overreacting and being a drama queen. Also then claimed that of course he doesn't think badly of me and didn't really believe that I had damaged the car. His half-hearted apology is nowhere near good enough, I'm absolutely furious still. We'll definitely have to have a big talk when I've calmed down a bit and if he doesn't change his tune sharpishly, he can move out and find somewhere with off-street parking for the fucking car by himself.

Doctor and Chitarra, thank you for your different perspective, I think you probably do have a point there. We never argue about the 'big' questions, if it happens (not too frequently, really) it's always about really stupid shit and I suppose there's a lot of truth in the lashing out at someone who you know will forgive you thing. If I'm honest, I definitely do that too, although I don't think I've said anything quite so mean.

I'll try to calm down and talk to him later.

Maybe he thinks you 'wouldn't admit to it anyways' because of pride, playfulness or something else... I wouldn't automatically read that as him calling you a liar. Your reaction seems extreme.

FWIW, I don’t think he thinks you are a habitual liar. In those kinds of arguments about stupid stuff a couple can be really mean to each other because we know just exactly which buttons to push to hurt the other person.

He does owe you a proper apology. He was taking his anger out on you which is not right.

Bloody condescending, I couldn’t put up with that crap, start accusing him of causing the damage