I tried to fill a void in me and feel worse, Do I tell him what I did?

[wthjusthappened]

20 year relationship, lived together, no children. Everything was fine until he just never came home. He left work one night, and instead of coming home he went to his parents house. He wouldn't talk to me about anything, Just kept repeating that he needed to be on his own, no other context at all. I knew it was so out of character for him that there must be something very wrong so I sent him a text saying I was there when he was ready to talk and left it at that because if I am honest I had no idea what else to do as I couldn't force him to talk to me.

Weeks turned into months, it was actually his mother who contacted me in confidence, she told me he was suffering from depression and had had a breakdown, he didn't want me to know, he didn't want me to see him as weak, he had no idea she had contacted me but she thought I had a right to know what was going on so I didn't go through life wondering why our relationship had ended.

Ever since he left he has been giving mixed signals to me, telling me he no longer loves me, then telling me he wants to fall in love with me again, telling me to just leave him alone as he is not worth anything, then telling me it would kill him to lose me. I have not been in the best place mentally since this happened, I have struggled with my self worth, wondering what is was that I did that was so bad that he would just leave the way he did, all he had to do was sit me down and talk to me if he wanted to leave and that would have been that.

Since telling me he wanted to try and fall back in love with me we have had less contact, he says he willl call me then doesn't, I don't hear from him for weeks at a time etc

I had been with him for 20 years, 20 years of love, laughter, affection, having someone there to talk to and have fun with, then went to just nothing, I am so lonely it hurts.

Last night I got talking to a guy in a chatroom, and we ended up swapping numbers, we talked for hours, swapping pictures, he said I was beautiful (pathetic that this was all it took on my part, I think I am so desperate to hear those words right now that I will take them from anyone) and we ended up having phone sex.

I regretted it immediantly and feel 10 times as bad as I did before I did it, Honestly I was just trying to fill a void thats been left inside of me, but the truth is I want my partner back, I can't get what I need from him so I got it from a stranger.

I am seeing my ex next week, We are meeting up to talk because I told him weeks ago that he needs to make some kind of a decision as to if he wants to try to make it work with me or move on and meet someone else. Do I tell him what I did? I feel so ashamed with myself and I know this sounds crazy but it just feels like I cheated.

Op stop beating yourself up and start looking at what your ‘partners’ behaviour is doing to you. Does he even want or serve your loyalty at the moment?
I understand he’s depressed and it’s a terrible disease, but unless he’s willing to try to tackle it, it’s not going to go away. It’ll go on affecting your MH...do you want to spend the rest of your life like this.
The 20 years together were happy ones and not wasted. It’s a terrible, terrible shame what’s happened, but you can’t change it.
You get one life. If you can’t have your partner back as he was, what are you going to do with it?
Good luck

Presumably he's getting some sort of counselling or is under some kind of specialist attention?

I would suggest that if possible you ask if you can go along to one of his appointments, in order to understand what is happening in his thinking. This is very normal practice when someone is under NHS help for depression and anxiety after a breakdown, so his counsellor/consultant will be happy to arrange it with his consent. Which I appreciate might not be easy to gain, but I think it's worth working on. It will help you get your head straight too.

I would be divorcing him I'm afraid.
I think he wants that but doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I wouldn't tell him what you did. I can understand why you did it. What purpose would it serve? It's hardly surprising given his behaviour.
Honestly I would contact him and tell him you are calling time on the relationship.
I'm sorry, it's really shitty but I think you need to think about yourself now, he isn't coming home. He can't even tell you the truth about why he left.

He walked out on you! There’s nothing to confess, you were and still are single.

Forget what you did. It was nothing given the circumstances. Think on what he's done. Move on.

I’m sorry that this has all happened 🌷

Firstly, no, don’t tell him. Apart from anything,his mental health probably can’t deal with hearing it. But mainly because HE is the one that walked out without a word and this needs to be about where HE is at & if he’s in a good enough place yet to apologise for that and to even think about being in a well/healthy enough place to start the building your relationship. If you tell him it will all Gf one about you ‘cheating on him’ & it being your fault etc.

He walked out ages ago & you don’t know where you stand with him, you’d have been perfectly justified in sleeping with the entire phonebook, had you wanted to. You allowed yourself to let go, relax and have ‘phone sex’ with someone who at least took the time to notice you and be complimentary - most of us have done something daft when we were sad, lonely and in need of a bit of an ego boost. At least ‘phone sex’ is safe sex!!

After 20 years, it’s bound to feel a bit strange being that intimate with someone else and in the cold light of day, ‘phone sex’ always seems a bit tawdry & daft (we’ll it does to me anyway!) but it doesn’t ‘in the moment’🙄🤣 (DH works away and he’s very good over the phone! 😊🤷🏻‍♀️)

You need to stop focusing on this and work out whether you’re prepared to go through an awful lot more with DH while he sorts his shit out and whether what you had before was enough to allow you to forgive him and try to learn to trust him again?!

Walking out & nit communicating with you is a big fucking deal and nit something you can brush under the carpet - it’s destroyed the trust you had in your marriage & that’s very difficult if not impossible to get back.

Going forward with DP is a choice. You can never ‘go back’ to what you had, you’d be building something new, starting over and none of this changes your memories of what you had together for years. Hope that makes sense!

Forget the phone sex and absolutely don't mention it to him. Focus on what will be the best future for you and work out what will help you get there.

I understand why you feel guilty but you haven’t done anything wrong. Sure he’s depressed and had a breakdown but his treatment of you would be classed as mentally abusive if he wasn’t.
You shouldn’t have to hold out hoping he will return and love you like he used to. You deserve better OP

He's abandoned you! Lose the guilt. You don't deserve it.

It would be divorce and move on for me. He's prioritised his mental health. Time for you to prioritise yours.

I'm not actually sure what phone sex is but that aside, you don't owe your partner anything.
You need to concentrate on yourself, you have been treated very badly and have nothing to feel guilty about.

You are single. He left you.
You don't need to tell him anything, he is just stringing you along and might have another girlfriend or two himself.
He just pressed the pause button and went off, at some stage you are going to have to press play again because he is only thinking about himself.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I hope you will be alright and move on. Look ahead and good luck.

You haven't cheated, he left you out of the blue and has kept you in limbo while he does what exactly? If it's been months I would have expected some sort of breakthrough with therapy, if he is actually getting help.

Don't tell him about the phone sex, because it's none of his business, and he may well try and blame the previous problems on you. You need some clarity/closure from him, not accusations and crying.

He left you so you are single. You have nothing to confess. It’s non of his business what you get up to.

Tbh, I don’t think you should be waiting around for him to make up his mind about what he wants. I advise you to go to counselling, work on yourself and move on. You deserve so much better than him.

Thank You all, I am sat here in tears reading through this. I just feel so empty inside all the time at the moment. I think I need to be strong now and try and make a life for myself.

Love, you’re single. Your ex-partner is being a selfish prick. Tell him to jog the fuck on. (How long ago did he leave?)

It’s absolutely none of his business what you’ve been doing or with whom.

Phone sex is no way to fill your lady-void though. Get out there and meet someone properly!

Sorry this has been such a shit time for you. You owe your ex NOTHING.

He really does not deserve you at all. You have nothing to confess, you have done nothing wrong!

There wouldn't be a void if he hadn't upped and left and the answers you got were from his mum. Thank god his mum has some wit about her and let you know.

Don't let him make the decision. What do you want?

He has left you in a state of limbo, it seems such a cruel thing to do to someone, especially someone you have spent years with. I think previous posters are right in saying you should start to think about your own future and health. I wonder if the phone sex is just a symptom of how lonely you are feeling, but you won't feel like this forever.

God you haven't done anything wrong! You'd be perfectly within your rights if you were having a physical relationship. Your partner walked out on you, and has done little bit mess with your head ever since.

Whether or not there is anything salvageable in terms of your relationship is one thing (I would say not from what you've said and it sounds extremely unhealthy for you), but you are single, he doesn't have any right to expect you not to speak to or see other people.

Oh lovely you haven't done wrong. He may be depressed but hes treating you wrongly. You shouldn't have him stringing you along your in limbo of course you feel lonely and needed to chat to someone. I think you need to both sit down and either say we will work this out together but he moves in and gets help or that unfortunately this is it and to move on. Sending lots of hugs you've done nothing wrong he hasn't even given you chance to help such a shame.

You have nothing to feel guilty about as you are single, don't confess to him as he might not be able to handle it, what has he been doing all this time, has he been to work, is he socialising, does he have counselling, if all 3 then it's time he gave you an explanation.

You are single and lonely. As much as he says he loves you, his behaviour does not show that. You have every right to see other people until you two are officially back together. You have nothing to feel bad about in that regard.

But, did you feel pushed into a situation where you had phone sex? Maybe examine whether you feel bad because it went further than you wanted or because you feel unfaithful. Those are two different issues. Either way, as Ross would say "You were on a break!"

Er, no. Your DP left you. No particular sign that he was coming back. He was dangling you like a puppet with his protestations that he wanted to fall back in love with you, etc... yet he doesn't call. He has checked out, literally. You are not responsible for his mental health, his behaviour has been adversely affecting your mental health (you're entitled to deal with that as you need to). You should consider yourself single. You're not required to stick around in case your (ex) DP eventually decides to act decently towards you.

You did nothing wrong. He left you. He made that decision.