Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me again...

23 replies

Gingernut0310 · 17/09/2019 15:29

So a few months ago I asked for advice. About 6 years ago my husband lost a lot of weight and started sexting and planning to meet other women. We had it out at the time and he said that it had just been about the attention he was getting after his massive weightloss that he was flattered and he promised that he had never met any of these women and that he wouldn't carry on with the messaging. At the time I chose to believe him and we moved on. Then earlier this year I noticed that there were a ridiculous amount of text messages showing on our itemised mobile bill all from his phone to the same number but when I looked at his phone the messages had been deleted. I again confronted him and he said it was a women he works with (he's a nurse) and that he had been talking to her because our sex life is so mad and that she was just a friend giving advise and a shoulder to cry on. Again I believed him and the texts stopped. But then in July my son was playing with my husbands phone and a whatapp message came up which he had opened and didn't know how to get rid of. He gave the phone to me to sort out and the whatsapp message was from another women he works with. I could only look at it for a second but the message she'd sent obviously followed on from a longer chat, but the previous messages had been deleted. Later in the day I had a quick chance to check again while he was in the loo and he had messaged back, she'd ended a message saying Love you lots and he'd ended a message saying Miss you. A few days after all this we went on holiday with all my family and on the drive down he was messaging and when I asked who he was talking to he told me it was this women, apparently she was staying near to where we were going and she was saying her and her husband were having a crap time because it was raining and they were stuck in a tent, he told me like he was just chatting about a friend. Then 2 days in to the holiday at about 11.30pm he was messaging again and when I asked he said it was her again and that she was going home because the tent was soaked and they had had enough, again it was very matter of fact. I hadn't managed to look at his phone for a while, he's been taking it everywhere with him, even the shower, but last week I did and there are some messages from her, work related but all the ones before and during our holiday have been deleted. There was also a message from another women he works with, again he's message had been deleted but her reply was there which started hi darling, I miss you too, I couldn't read the rest because I heard him coming, but I woke up earlier than him the other day and the whole chat has been deleted. If I hadn't have seen her reply I wouldn't have even know there had been any messages!! My husband is 38 and I'm 48, he has always liked older women and the one he had spoke to on holiday is about my age but i looked this latest one up on FB and she's 59!!! So now I'm thinking am I being paranoid because of the past and she's just a friend, but then why delete the messages?? Its all so confusing because he rings me every time he has a break at work and tells me how much he loves me, he's very affectionate at home and doesn't go out often, so I don't think anything physical can be happening i just don't get all these deleted messages?? He is also just using whatsapp for these messages, not texts because he obviously knows I can see the itemised bill. Anyone else had a similar issue, what did you do?

OP posts:
RLEOM · 17/09/2019 17:28

He has no respect for you or the relationship. He's proven enough times that he's not dedicated to you - do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this?

Itsallgonewoowoo · 17/09/2019 19:24

Sorry but he's not a nice partner. He's emotionally cheating, if not physically. 'i miss you darling' is NOT by any stretch of the imagination a chat between friends.

AMAM8916 · 17/09/2019 19:39

Oh for gods sake. You, me and bloody Dupree know he is not just friends with these women. He has several on the go at once and he probably goes for older women thinking they're not as switched on with technology and tend to chat less to each other about their private lives.

Dump him! He is a serial philanderer and making a total fool of you. It's a pity he lost his morals when he lost the weight!

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 17/09/2019 23:20

Time to end it. You can’t trust him, you gave him a second chance and he’s carried on doing the same shit, and you are going to drive yourself mad constantly checking his phone and finding all of these half deleted message threads!

31RueCambon75001 · 17/09/2019 23:28

He likes the validation of having several women communicating with him.

He isn't going to change. He knows he can just say ''oh she was a friend and I'm a bit sorry kind of'' and you will let him get on with it.

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2019 23:33

It would be a cheerybye from me. Random women messaging him at 12 at night, deleting messages, taking his phone everywhere, using language that sounds like its meant for a lover. Nah.

Tbh I would have left him for talking to some random woman about our 'bad' sex life. Not in the least because he was most likely setting her up to be your sex life replacement. That's the only reason a dude tells some random women about his lack of action.

He's a cheating pig op. A lying cheating pig at that.

Giraffey1 · 17/09/2019 23:40

He can’t help himself, can he. He is a liar and a cheat. Get rid.

MMadness · 17/09/2019 23:51

Why are you not understanding that he's a dog? Why are you allowing this to continue? Truthfully?

user764329056 · 17/09/2019 23:58

He’s a rubbish partner, you deserve better

DeRigueurMortis · 18/09/2019 00:27

Yes you're here again, in exactly the same situation...and you'll be posting similar again in 6 months unless you do something to change it.

It's your life and if you want to continue living like this, constantly creeping around to check phones and lying awake at night thinking about these women he's texting (and frankly likely doing more than texting given the content of some of the messages you've seen) then so be it.

Just because he's gaslighting you with affection and loving phone calls doesn't mean he's not a cheat - it just means he's a two faced bastard who trying to keep you onside so he can have his cake and eat it.

There's no advice anyone can give to change the behaviour of your feckless, lying unfaithful husband.

Through inaction (talk is cheap at this point) you're letting him know that he can behave with impunity. So he will keep doing so.

If you want things to change then you're going to have to make that happen and that means finding your backbone and getting organised.

Visit a solicitor. Find out your rights. Make a plan to leave him.

Then present it to him fait accompli...

If he's "sorry" then he can start making amends by moving out and giving you some space and him some time to reflect on what he's lost.

minesagin37 · 18/09/2019 00:54

Anyone reading this long catalogue of you asking 'why are you messaging this woman' and him ' oh it's just this, oh it just that' thinks....When is the penny going to drop? Goodness you need to kick him out.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 18/09/2019 12:16

You need to wake up and smell the unfortunately bitter coffee OP!

Sorry to be harsh but your shit of a husband seems to have manipulated and conditioned you into believing that his behaviour is acceptable - it isn't at all.

He was sexting (cheating) and planning to meet other women 6 years ago as he needed the attention and flattery.

This year he excessively texts a work colleague and when confronted tells you its ok because he was discussing your sex life! - what a betrayal of trust that is and completely inappropriate.

July he is exchanging love you/miss you messages with another work colleague.

Then you discover another message from yet another work colleague clearly responding to a previous message he has sent saying "hi darling I miss you too"

He is a compulsive gaslighting liar and cheat. Even if by some remote chance nothing physical has happened (highly unlikely as he is in close regular contact at work with them) then at the very least been having multiple emotional affairs for the past six years.

Of course he rings you and tells you he loves you, he wants to keep you sweet so he can continue having his cake and eating it. Of course he tells you half truths about the conversations he has with these women as he wants you to think he is being open and honest. It is a frequent ploy that cheats use, he is not special or unique in his modus operandi.

He has passed the boundary of acceptable communication with just friends by a country mile. Hi darling and I love you and miss you are not generally messages work colleagues send to one another when married. The fact he is affectionate at home means nothing, I have friends who actually said their sex life improved when their spouse was cheating.

For gods sake leave him and start divorce proceedings. Actions speak louder than words, he has proven without doubt that he doesn't respect you or your marriage.

Once you are free from him the fog will lift and you will be so angry with how he has twisted your view of what is acceptable in a healthy partnership.

ISmellBabies · 18/09/2019 12:24

Bloody hell, are you mad? He's cheating agin and again, right in front of your face. Why are you still with him? If he was shagging them in front of you you still wouldn't leave. "Are you shagging that woman?" "No I've just fallen over and my dick fell in, she's just a friend" "oh well that's fair enough then". Wake the fuck up and get an sti check too.

Gingernut0310 · 19/09/2019 14:10

Thanks everyone, was all geared up to have it out with him today but he was on nights last night and I got a call saying he had had chest pains, he's ok but they want him to see a cardiologist just to be sure it's nothing too bad!!! Looks like I have to keep quiet a bit longer, don't want to be responsible for giving him a heart attack!!

OP posts:
BrightonRox · 19/09/2019 14:23

@Gingernut0310 I wouldn't give a shit if he has chest pains. Are you sure he isn't making it up as he may know you are on to him. Don't make excuses. Confront him!

Gingernut0310 · 19/09/2019 14:34

@BrightonRox 😂😂 Maybe you're right, he seems fine to me, maybe it's being caused by anxiety because he knows he's fucked up again!!

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 19/09/2019 14:40

Well maybe the stress of a double life is catching up with him....

Or it's an excuse to be in "hospital".

Tbh I'm not sure I'd be keen to play nurse and keep my mouth shout.

It's hardly as if he's been taking care of your heart in the last few years....karma perhaps?

BrightonRox · 19/09/2019 14:40

@Gingernut0310

Oh yes, it could be the anxiety. My ex had a "breakdown" in the months leading up to me finding out. I say it in quotation marks because in hindsight it made sense with the fact he was dealing with his own guilt.

Gingernut0310 · 19/09/2019 15:08

@BrightonRox I'm so sorry you've been through this too, its shit. We've been together for nearly 20 years and married for almost 17 it's such a lot of years to say goodbye to 😥 But I know it can't carry on x

OP posts:
BrightonRox · 19/09/2019 15:51

@Gingernut0310 I'm sorry you are having to deal with this too, truly. All I can say is I'm out the other end and living life positively now.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2019 16:16

Why do kept opting to believe this liars bullshit???
Stop it.
You KNOW what is going on.
Stop burying your head.
This guy is faithless, cheating, lying, scumbag.
Please open your eyes to this.
The sooner the better!

Gingernut0310 · 20/09/2019 08:19

Ok so is this normal?? He's moving to another department in the hospital soon and he's having a leaving do, but yesterday he says he would like to have the other managers round for dinner (one of which is the women he was WhatsApp messaging when we were on holiday!!! It maybe he'll sort out a date when she's on shift but if not then why would he invite her round???

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 20/09/2019 08:49

Is the "cardiologist" perchance an attractive lady in her 40s?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page