Hand holding needed, I'm going to leave my husband

[Timeforachangeofusername99]

...or I'm going to ask him to leave anyway.

I've posted before under different names. I've been with my husband 8.5 years and I've been unhappy for the last 3 or so. We have the same cyclical arguments, mostly stemming from me feeling unappreciated and overworked and him not pulling his weight. It gets better for a bit then worse again. I run a business and am the SAHP most of the time, he has them one day and we split the weekends. I do everything around the home, he has one or two jobs and frequently doesn't get round to them, which impacts my daily stuff. He doesn't pick up the slack if I miss a few days of laundry because I've been busy etc. He says he has a bigger mental load than me because he has to think about work too (he's self employed).

We live in an annexe attached to my family's home and it's too small, yet we have no chance of moving out as yet if ever. He works had but we never have much money. We get tax credits otherwise I don't know how we'd eat. I am so lucky I know, I can stay here on low rent which I can manage on my own and am pretty confident I could manage financially without him. It will be a struggle as he is the bigger earner, but also the bigger spender! He will go and live with his parents I'm pretty sure, so he will be ok and I like them and the kids like them and I think in the event of us splitting they will be supportive of both of us and he could have the kids over there etc.

I've been thinking it out for years. It's just that it's never THAT bad, there's never one thing that makes me go RIGHT THAT'S IT although I have told him I want to split and yet here we are still.

I just don't know how to do it. To tell him I really mean it. That I don't think I love him any more and I want to be by myself. I really do. I don't want anyone else right now, I don't want a new father for my children or a man in the house, I want to be free of waiting around for him forever.

I'm right to do it, aren't I? He won't change. He is telling me who he is. He is a kind person, a good person, but he repeatedly doesn't pull his weight, doesn't listen to me, thinks he can do what he likes and it'll all be ok, and I'm done.

You are right. You're not happy and haven't been for a considerable time. You don't need a big bang, how you feel is enough x

I apologise for the random x. Too many people have been putting them on emails to me recently.

The way you feel is the way you feel. You say he is good and kind but ultimately he doesn't take any notice of what matters to you and that doesn't seem very kind to my way of thinking.

I think you have checked out already. Get yourself sorted. You will get through it .

he repeatedly doesn't pull his weight, doesn't listen to me, thinks he can do what he likes and it'll all be ok, and I'm done

This is a good enough reason. It doesn't have to be hell on earth before you're allowed to call time.

Do you know how to start divorce proceedings? Have you seen a solicitor? Do you know where you stand on child contact arrangements?

If he hasn't listened to you before then you have to be firm and clear. You cannot back down and let him stay. Can a family member be with you to make sure he leaves?

The relationship is over, I want you to leave by tomorrow/saturday/whatever. my solicitor will be in touch. Pack a bag for tonight, you can collect the rest of your stuff later.

Whatever is appropriate. But that level of short and to the point. With a timeline for him being out.

If he hadn't refused to listen to you in the past I wouldn't advocate such bluntness. Trouble is if you start getting into discussions and explanations it will turn into debate and argument and him trying to bully you into backing down or making false promises of change he'll never keep... The only solution to that is to be firm, clear and refuse to get into discussion. You've made your decision, discussing it and justifying it won't change anything now.

Are you afraid of him or do you just not feel confident standing up for yourself?

I'm not afraid of him, but I am afraid I might be more of a pushover than I thought I was. I dont j ow why, he doesn't even promise hell change or apologise or beg forgiveness like you read they do. I'm going to try tonight.