Partner's mental health

[Ali360]

Hi everyone,
I'm hoping for some much needed advice as I don't know what to do. I have been with my DP for nearly 3 years. He is 35 and I am 36. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Over the past 6-9 months my partner has completely shut down and barely talks to me (or anyone else) any more. I don't know how to help him or if our relationship is making it worse. At the same time I've been growing increasingly concerned about my fertility as we'd planned to start a family by now and now he says he is too overwhelmed to even discuss it. I'm 37 in 2 months time and it feels like time is running out for us.
As some background, almost two years ago I was sexually harassed at work, together with some other women I worked with. This led to what I can only describe as an ordeal that was more traumatic than the harassment incidents themselves, as various investigations and legal and quasi-legal processes took place which were horrible for all the women affected by this man's actions. My DP was incredibly supportive and helped me through it when I was at my lowest. However, over time he seemed to become more affected by the whole thing than I was. I think I'm quite resilient as I have come out of the other side of various awful events over the years. As this ordeal went on, I found that I was the one consoling and supporting my partner about it, rather than the other way around. He has taken it all so badly and now has completely shut down. I would often say to my friends how much he was struggling with what happened and they would be totally confused because it happened to me, not him. The process concluded about 9 months ago and I thought we would move on and start enjoying our lives together more. However, quite the opposite happened and my partner has closed himself off more and more.
The parallel stress is that I desperately want to have children and I'm terrified that I'm getting to old to have kids. When we were in the middle of the ordeal my partner and I discussed having kids lots and I thought we were on the same page. We basically agreed to start trying as soon as things calmed down and our lives were less traumatic. Therefore, when it all ended I felt like we could finally move on, enjoy each others company and build a family. I felt a huge sigh of relief that things were finally going to get better and we'd come out stronger together, having got through this truamatic experience together. Our relationship felt really strong then.
However, over recent months I've grown increasingly concerned about my partner as he seems to be having a breakdown and is really depressed and anxious, to the extent that it is significantly affected his physical health as well. I've tried to support him as best I can and tried to help him see the brighter side of life. But he thinks the whole world is coming to an end. I've pleaded with him to go to the doctor / counselling etc but he refuses to saying it won't help him. My family has suffered with lots of mental health issues. My brother attempted suicide several times when I was a teenager. So I'm not afraid to try to help him through this. But I'm at the point I don't know what to do and I don't feel like I'm in a position to help him or that what I'm doing is helping him.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not even a person in this relationship anymore. I try to tell my partner how I feel about him and what I want from life but it's like he can't even think about me or us at all anymore because he's in the depths of despair. It's such a turnaround from when me and everyone else around me thought he was the one who would literally do anything for me.
I plucked up the courage to raise the baby thing recently and asked him what he wants in terms of building a family together (or not). Then he said he doesn't know how he feels about me or the relationship anymore and that the events had such a bad effect on his life that he can't even think about our future together. He said he knows he's not ready to be a parent as he's not even in control of his own life and he's not healthy. I asked him if he wanted to end our relationship and he said no. He said he loves me but that he doesn't even have the strength to have serious conversations anymore and that the relationship is causing him stress. Since we had that conversation, he's barely talked to me at all for the past 3 weeks. I have tried to be reassuring and tell him how I feel (in small doses) but also give him time to think about he wants. But it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. He seems to be getting worse and he just continuously says sorry he doesn't know what he wants anymore and that he can't even talk about it.
In short, I feel like absolute shit and I don't know what to do. On the one hand I love him and I want to be there to support him and help him through this. On the other hand, I don't know if being with him is making things worse, or if he even wants to be with me anymore. It killed me when he said he doesn't know how he feels about me or the relationship. Those are just awful words to hear. I also have the ticking clock of my fertility in the background. Even if he did get through this slowly, it feels like he wouldn't be ready to be a parent for years and by then it might/will be too late for me.
If anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful. I'm sorry for the long post. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this in real life.
Thank you

Hello lovely, what an awful situation to be in. All I can offer right now is a hand squeeze and some and to bump this so hopefully you'll get some great words of wisdom soon xx

He needs to go and see the GP really... it is difficult that he is reluctant but he really does not sound well.

TTC is out of the question at the moment, he needs to focus on improving his MH. What is he doing to do this? You can support him in his efforts to get help for himself but you need to protect your MH too.

You poor thing,
By the sound of it you've tried everything.
My partner suffers with anxiety and depression and I ended up calling the drs because I was really concerned about him, hardly talk to me and really not bothered with our kids.
Have you tried that? Ringing the drs to get him a appointment?
It's a terribly situation that you are in. But it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.
Hope you get things sorted x

OP, I have been in exactly the same situation as you are. Three years into my relationship with my partner he stopped talking to me - I would come home and it was like living with a shell. He wouldn't talk, he wouldnt tell me what was wrong. I started thinking it was me or something I had done wrong. It wasn't - he suffers with mental health particularly depression.

In the end I became so down myself and paranoid that I had to give him an ultimatum. He either saw the doctor in the next month or I was going to leave to save my own mental health. You must consider your own mental health here. He sounds as if he is in a bad place and only he can get help by going to see his GP or a counsellor. He may have depression or some time of post trautmatic stress disorder. Either way he needs professional help.

If it is either of those things he needs proper treatment and will not be able to think clearly about your relationship so don't expect any of his true emotions to show through until his mental health is being treated. The reality is he probably doesn't even know how he truly feels. If you stay like this this will destroy you slowly.

From experience the only options really would be - you give him an ultimatum to get some professional help for his mental health and consider what you need to do if he refuses - you ask him to leave for a period so he can have some space and get help or you leave for a time. Believe me when I say if he doesn't get some help it can send you into a very dark lonely place and cause you a great deal of anxiety. You can only help him so far and encourage him to seek professional help but above all do not let it destroy your own mental health. The baby issue unfortunately will need to wait until he is better and can think straight and you are both happy to continue.

Stay strong but look after your own wellbeing too !

Tbh it sounds like the relationship has come to an end for him, at least emotionally.

I suspect the only reason he hasn't ended it is because the thoughts of all the logistics involved and having to find a new place to live is far far worse than the thoughts of living with someone you don't love like you used to.

OP, read back what you wrote. He is literally telling you in plain English that he is not that into you. And you are basically going "but it's not his fault!" which to be frank is utterly irrelevant.

Stop being so paralysed. He may remain paralysed for years to come. Meanwhile you disappear. Perhaps he will deign to let you become his emotional crutch, how lucky for you. But God forbid he actually ever goes to the doctor. So the two of you limp on, both miserable.

I speak as someone who has endured terrible bouts of depression. But I never treated my loved ones like this. Ever. Even when I couldn't get out of bed and thought I wasn't worth loving, I still loved them with all my heart.

You need to start taking control of your life. Cos right now he controls every minute of it and he doesn't even care about you that much. It's appalling.

Thanks so much for your replies @BeUpStanding @withsexypantsandasausagedog @AgentJohnson @Kittykat150 @movingonup123 @ElspethFlashman
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and the support.

I did make him a drs appt once @Kittykat150 but he didn't go. Sometimes he says he'll go but then he never does. And he insists counselling won't help him as he tried it once before and it made him worse.

I think you're right @movingonup123 that my mental health is starting to suffer now too. It's exhausting being responsible for everything in our lives, and being the "strong" one etc. And then there's the fact that I'm getting no emotional support from the relationship right now but I'm expending lots of emotional energy. I feel like he'll really have a breakdown if i give him an ultimatum as whenever I put any sort of (minimal) pressure on him he really loses it and says he can't deal with the stress/pressure. I did suggest some time apart as well. He seems to want to be together but not truly be together if you know what I mean, which is really the worst of both worlds as I think I feel much more lonely being in an empty relationship than being on my own.

@ElspethFlashman - thanks for your frankness. Yes, this is my concern. I've also suffered with terrible periods of depression and thought that I couldn't go on. It was the absolute depths of despair but even in the midst of it, I knew 100% who I loved and never doubted that. I wasn't exactly fun to be around but I absolutely didn't treat my loved ones like how he is treating me. I didn't want to assume that everyone experiences depression / anxiety / mental health issues in the same way so I have tried to be considerate and patient with what he's going through - But at the same time when he finally said that he doesn't know how he feels about me this set off major alarm bells, regardless of the mental health issues. I was basically going to end it there and then (and almost did) but then he backtracked and said it was the situation and not me etc. I have been trying to support him as much as possible but really it was him (finally) saying that he doesn't know how he feels about me and doesn't know what he wants that made me seriously contemplate whether I should just leave. You're right I don't feel in control of my life at all, so perhaps I should just end it. I think I probably feel guilty that he supported me in the past and I wanted to be there for him and not give up on him. But our relationship is a complete shell of what it used to be.

I feel like he'll really have a breakdown if i give him an ultimatum as whenever I put any sort of (minimal) pressure on him he really loses it and says he can't deal with the stress/pressure.

He doesn’t lose it - it chooses it.....he chooses to use his anger to control you. He doesn’t walk down the street ranting at people does he? YOU will be the one having the breakdown.

There are hundreds of threads on here about men hiding their abusive behaviours behind MH - trying to excuse it. Search them - it’s the same conclusion.

It is not excusable, he is not trying to get help either.

He sounds like he has a long history of MH if he has had counselling in the past. In your 3 year relationship he has been withdrawn for half of it. What is his relationship history?

Don’t waste another precious fertile minute waiting for this man to come round. He won’t. If he did he will be as shite a father as he is a partner.

Move on and give your child a nice Daddy

I did make him a drs appt once @Kittykat150 but he didn't go. Sometimes he says he'll go but then he never does. And he insists counselling won't help him as he tried it once before and it made him worse.

There’s no future in this relationship, even if wanting a child wasn’t part of the equation. It’s time you started prioritising your MH and child ambitions and those are incompatible with this relationship.

I've pleaded with him to go to the doctor / counselling etc but he refuses to saying it won't help him
Unfortunately he won't himself.
You cannot make him.
You are not qualified to deal with this on your own.
He needs to get help.
While he won't get help there is nothing you can do to help him.
As you clearly state, he is just getting worse.

I hate to say it but with your fertility and timings and his unwillingness to get proper professional help, you need to end this.
Your own happiness is also important.
You cannot live the rest of your life trying to 'save' this man.
He doesn't want saving.
End it as gently as possible and move on with your life.
You get one shot at this.
Don't waste any more of it.

You have had some excellent advice on here from people with a lot of life experience. There is only one way that this will play out if you stay with him.

Keep re-reading the thread. See his behaviour as proactively abusive/neglectful/irresponsible towards you.

He will rob you of your chance to be a mother, of a happy family and your MH.

OP I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you’ve had an awful few years.

Thing is, your DP only helped you to a point, then it was all about him, so he wasn’t even fully behind you in your time of need. Now he refuses to get any help for his own problems and expects you to sit and wait, and no doubt do everything for him until such time as the depression magically lifts or he decides he wants out. This is not fair on you, and it’s not the mark of a caring considerate partner.He doesn’t even know what he wants himself, but what you already know is that he doesn’t want your help. He won’t even seek help to get his own life back, let alone to let you have yours back. If you keep on down this road with him you’ll lose your spark, your best years and any chance you had to have a child. Your DP might be ill but he’s also being incredibly selfish. A selfish man is not good for you and it’s not good for any potential children.

As the old saying goes, you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Put on your own life jacket OP, before you go under with him.

I’m speaking from plenty of experience of deep crippling depression, countless GP visits and years under the MH service btw.

I am quite intrigued by him dropping into a depression due to the issues you had to endure. It doesn’t ring true.

It sounds manipulative and controlling. Either he decided you had had enough attention and now it was his time - look at ME, how this impacted ME. And/or he has had frequent depressive episodes - this was just another cycle and he decided to blame you for it - which trapped you in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) - guilt that you caused it, fear that he may have a breakdown and obligation to stay because of the first two.

So sorry this is happening as you sound so sad and it sounds like you have tried helping him a lot.

But you need to realise that you cannot 'fix' him. Only he can do that. And if he won't, then you need to walk away.

You still have time to start another relationship; one in which you feel valued and loved. I don't get the feeling that you feel like that at the moment.

If he won't seek help or treatment, there's nothing more you can do. And I get that it's frustrating as hell, but I think you are chasing a lost cause.

Plus the weird way in which he turned things around. You were the one sexually harassed; yet it's ended up being all about him?

Honestly, get out now while you're still young enough to find someone else and have the children that you want.

@CIareIsland @AgentJohnson @hellsbellsmelons @Whatisthisfuckery @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thanks so much for your thoughtful and helpful replies.

@CIareIsland - he does have a long history of mental health problems but he says that before this all happened he was in good routines and he had largely gotten past it. He had problems in the past but generally had his life in order. When we first got together I'd say his mental health was ok, but there were some occasional outbursts that rang alarm bells for me. Mainly centred around him thinking I didn't like him as much as he liked me, so he needed a lot of reassurance which I didn't like. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we worked through these issues, and they didn't recur. So I thought he was good at listening and taking feedback about how his behaviour affected me. But this latest episode has gone on for what seems like forever and I'm really struggling with it. He's had 2 serious relationships in the past. One ended especially badly, with him feeling suicidal. He told me about this early on in our relationship and blamed himself for it ending and said he wanted to be a better partner to me than he was to her and that he didn't want to repeat the same mistakes he made (which i think he is now repeating).
I've never heard of FOG - but that's totally how I feel. Like I am to blame for his life / mental health falling apart and that I should stick by him like he stuck by me. And I feel constantly guilty for the effect it's had on him, even though I (objectively) went through way more than he did and I dealt with parts of it all on my own as he wasn't coping. Regarding the fear, I am worried about the consequences for him if I raise difficult issues or end the relationship - that he's have a breakdown / feel suicidal / really go off the rails etc. I don't really have fear for myself if we end things as I know I'll be ok, and sometimes when I think about ending it it feels more like relief than anything, even though I do love him. The main fear I have for myself is around fertility. He knows how much I want kids too and I feel like he really hasn't taken care of me in that respect as he originally led me to believe he had all the same family / parenting goals as me and that doesn't seem to be the case now. I also worry that if he did come around and we had a child, that he wouldn't be able to cope / would abandon us etc. it feels like I'd be a single parent anyway. And I'd potentially be looking after a child and looking after him. Anyway, children isn't going to happen in the near future with him (which is probably a good thing). He said to me not so long ago that having children with our lives in turmoil like this would ruin our lives. Whereas I feel completely emotionally and financially ready to have a child. So we're just on completely opposite planes.

@hellsbellsmelons - your point about trying to save him really resonated. I guess my family have had a lot of mental health problems over the year and I've really stuck by them and helped them. I felt like I should do the same for a partner. But I think it's a different scenario and it is impossible to help someone who won't help themself. Also despite their troubles I knew my family members always loved me and would never blame me for anything and were appreciative of my help (and if anything felt very guilty for bringing me down with them and having me devote so much of my life to helping them). Lately, with my partner I feel like everything he's said is about him. It doesn't matter what I'm going through he's very focused on himself and how he feels (or doesn't know how he feels). I just don't feel any care coming from him anymore, really or it's very rare if it is there.

@Whatisthisfuckery your comment about him only helping me to a point is really helpful too because that's exactly what happend and what he doesn't acknowledge. He was an absolutely amazing support in the beginning and I really thanked my lucky stars every day for having such a supportive partner. But then it all stopped and I was left feeling quite abandoned and lonely in the rleationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore, whereas I couldn't avoid dealing with it as I had to go through teh processes. When he talks about it now, he acts like he was there for me at every step of the way and it consumed his entire life for that period. Whereas he checked out for major parts of it. But I don't say things like that to him because then he says things like everything he has done for me isn't enough for me and that he gave me everything he could etc. Your lifejacket comment really helped too - I feel like I've tried to be strong through this and look after my own mental healht as much as I can (because I know I can be prone to serious anxiety and depression too and I really don't want to go back there). But there comes a point where maybe I have to save myself before I go under.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy, no I don't feel valued and loved in this relationship anymore. I used to - he used to show me all the time how much he appreciated me. I do feel a bit scared as I'm almost 37 and I worry that's not much time to build a relationship with someone new and have kids (I'd ideally like to have more than one child, which it really feels like time is running out for). But I guess I just have to get over that fear and get on with life. I had some fertility tests this week (he had promised that we would go together to the clinic, but then he said he couldn't deal with it, so I went on my own), and everything came back normal. I know that's no guarantee but it gives me a small bit of peace of mind that there still might be a bit of time I suppose. It is very strange how I was the one sexually harassed and now he talks about that experience as having taken over and destroyed his life for a year and a half. I appreciate he went through much of that with me, but he didn't go through all of it with me and I've managed to come out the other side relatively intact. I think there's another issue that he's just very pessimistic and negative sometimes. Perhaps that's all interrelated with the mental health issues but I really try to be positive and move past bad expeirneces whereas it feels like he's dwelling on this to the absolute extreme. It's a cycle we can't get out of because he keeps dwelling on the effect it has. I have accepted I lost the best part of a year and a half of my life to that experience, but I don't want to lose another year and a half or more being miserable about it. I really want to move on and be happy.

Really - thank you so much everyone for all the comments. They are so valuable and so appreciated. It means a lot that you take the time to respond and help me. I'm sorry I haven't responded to every single comment but please know that I've read every word carefully and I'm digesting it all and will re-read it. It's interesting reading your comments as I think I know a lot of what you're saying deep down but the guilt and sense of obligation takes over. I feel tremendous guilt for 'dragging him into my problems' so to speak even though I know a partner should be there for me. And there's a huge sense of obligation to stick by him and help him through this because he was there for me. But at some point (soon) I think I just need to accept that I've done all I can and that this isn't a healthy relationship by a long stretch.

You have tried far too hard and for far too long. He has tied you up in knots with his web of nonsense. The red flags were there v early on and you now need to work on yourself so that if you spot them in your next relationship you act on them much sooner.

I would also pull out his behaviours and see them for what they are - emotional abuse.

These are separate from his MH.

You know this as you and your family have experienced depression.

There are no medical guides in existence that list his abusive behaviours as symptoms of depression.

However every domestic abuse guide will list out his behaviours as exactly that.

You also sound over-responsible in life generally, maybe read up on co-dependency if you haven’t already as this trait will exhaust you.

I hope that you have some RL support and can emotionally detach, step back and quietly formulate a plan to extricate yourself from this man quickly.

His potential breakdown, suicide attempts etc are not within your capacity to manage. If it comes to it continue to signpost him to the appropriate healthcare professionals who can manage him appropriately.

Your wonderful new, fresh, bright, light life is just around the corner once you have dumped this abusive joy sucker

Thanks @CIareIsland
Yes, I did spot some red flags early on and I raised them with him. I thought at the time that he responded well and we worked through the issues, but I guess they were always in the back of my mind a little bit as I worried about his emotional maturity and whether he might be (unintentionally) a bit controlling and very insecure.

Thanks for your comments about co-dependency too. I have read a lot about it as I know I'm guilty of this and my family have heavily relied on me both emotionally and financially for a long time (including when I was way too young to really be dealing with it). I've been working hard on this to live my own life which included making a big career change that has made me a lot happier. But I guess I have ended up in a dysfunctional relationship and I may be repeating old patterns. So best to recognise that and move on as soon as I can.
I'm feeling quite optimistic after reading your messages. That might sound strange as obviously this is a horrible scenario, but it's the first time in a while that I've actually felt hopeful about the future and appreciate that it doesn't have to continue like this.

You have done really well to become emotionally literate and you have taken loads of significant actions in the past to make your life better.

Don’t beat yourself up about ending up in this relationship - he love bombed you at the start - that was all fake - he couldn’t keep it up tho. You have also been through a dreadful abuse and court case - this is all consuming and would have masked or distracted you.

But now you see it. You have for some time. Notice that flickering feeling of escaping him and having the gorgeous life you so deserve. Relish it. Allow it to move you on.

I would just be “light” with him - “we are not compatible, we both need to move on relieve the pressure and find peace” etc. And depart with a breezy “goodbye - freeing you up to find happiness” etc.

Don’t bother blaming him as this just hands him the ammunition to sabotage you. He will be as confused as fuck. Or even relieved. Aim for a clean, painless exit. Don’t indulge his dark emotional manipulative drama.

Rooting for you!

Ali360 putting aside everything else, even if he magically got better tomorrow you’ll spend the rest of your life just waiting for him to drop off the edge of the cliff again. So you do have kids with him, what about when times are hard and stressful? What if one of the kids get ill, or have a disability? You already know that he’ll check out half way through and become yet another problem for you to deal with.

And what about him appropriating your awful experiences and claiming them as his own, and making out that it’s him who has suffered the most because of them? We all have a hard time when a loved one goes through hardship and they need our support, but this is on another level. Not only is he withdrawing support when you need it, he’s then becoming another emotional drain for you to cope with, then to top it off he’s making out like it was all about him and how he’s suffered the most and guilt trips you because you haven’t supported him enough.. For a start that’s not even remotely attractive in a person, et alone the quality you need to build a happy, healthy, mutually supportive relationship with.

His MH is his responsibility, just like your MH is yours and my MH is mine. Can you imagine a life where you’re constantly battling to keep yourself mentally healthy, working hard to take your own advice but at the same time enabling your partner to leech your own mental wellbeing out of you because they can’t step up to look after their own.

What he’s showing now is him. This is the person he is and he won’t change. He’s 36 years old, so not a kid. His brain has been fully developed for a long time, he’s been navigating the world as an adult for half of his life yet he’s still not learned to take responsibility for his own mental wellbeing. It’s not a case of you just trying something different, or adding in new responsibilities like children, who he is is fully formed, so outside intervention is not going to change him. He can change, if he wants to, but he doesn’t want to, so he is who he is. It’s you decision now as to what you want to do. This is the complete article, you either keep on in the knowledge that this is who he is or you call it a day.

If you do call it a day his mental health will still be his responsibility. He’ll still have all the same opportunities to seek help and help himself if he wants to. You leaving him will not take any of that away from him. What it will do however is take the weight off your shoulders and free you up to heal and hopefully start again. You might end up having the kids you want or you might not, but having kids is hugely stressful, it puts even the strongest relationship under massive stress. Even as a single parent it’s easier than carrying the dead weight of another adult dependent, I can tell you that from experience. None of these moving forward things can happen though until one of you takes action. Given that he won’t, and that he doesn’t even know what he wants anymore then it’ll have to be you who takes it. You do not get this time back.

Also be aware that if you stay, and try to save him, your fertility will be 100% wasted. There is no way he's going to bounce into wanting a child within the next couple of years. And yes, having a child is much more stressful than a tribunal (which hasnt even happened to him) so you can't guarantee his behavior.

I had both my children very late - almost 40 and 41 and a half. Back to back! But no problems at all, and I trust if you've been tested you may have no problems at all either.

But you won't meet the future father of your children walking on eggshells around your kitchen.

Thanks @CIareIsland @Whatisthisfuckery @ElspethFlashman

@CIareIsland - thanks for your advice to try to keep things light. That can be a challenge in this relationship but I totally agree that's what needs to happen. I wouldn't blame him and i don't want to get into a massive drama. It just causes hurt for everyone. Hope we can avoid going to that dark place as you say. These things are always hard and I admit I'm a bit scared as I don't know how this is going to go. Just going to think about it over the next few days and work out the best way to make this easier for both of us. He's completely shut down and is barely speaking to me at all right now so it might even be that he will feel relief to get space and work things out on his own. I really think he needs to do that.

And you're right @Whatisthisfuckery - if he did get better (and I truly hope he does), I still don't think he'd be stable enough or ready for kids in the near future, and even if he said he was there would always be a huge risk that he go through this again and behave in this way or worse with children. I don't think I can put myself or any future children through that.

It's hard to hear you say that he's appropriated my experiences. But it has really turned around like that - he used to be so supportive as to what I was going through but it hasn't felt like he's even acknowledged my hard times or suffering or feelings even for quite a while now. It's all been how much he has suffered and how he has sacrificed his time and energies to support me and now his life and mental health is messed up because of it. He keeps saying he isn't blaming me but at the same time it really sounds like he's blaming me.

I think the big thing is that I don't want another dependent. I feel like my family have been quite dependent on me over the years. I love them dearly but it's a fact. And both me and them have really worked at them being less dependent on me. One of the big attractions to my partner was that he was dependable, supported me and I finally felt like I could rely on someone as opposed to always being the person that others relied upon. And now it has ended up with him being completely reliant on me but shutting me out at the same time. It is a huge emotional drain as you say. And I really want to be in a happy, healthy, mutually supportive relationship. I feel so much guilt about leaving him when he has supported me in the past, but I guess I just have to try my best to get past the guilt and move on. It will be better for both of us, hopefully. You're right he doesn't take responsibility. I always do, but lots of the things I feel guilty and responsbile for are not my responsiblity.

And yes, @ElspethFlashman I live in constant fear of my fertility / not having kids. The tests can be a bit reassuring but I'm also conscious that you can't rely on this stuff as lots of people have unexplained problems even though the tests say all is ok. I used to imagine him as such a great father but now I really can't see him in that role. I don't think he's ready for parenting at all.

This really struck me - But you won't meet the future father of your children walking on eggshells around your kitchen - thank you.

It's all a lot to take in right now, and quite an emotional rollercoaster, but I appreciate all these replies. They are really helping me and I appreciate your thoughtfulness and honesty.

So he’s reassured you that he doesn’t blame you because he’s gone into meltdown because you had a hard time after being sexually harassed at work? What a Saint.

This stretches waaay out beyond manchild. It’s emotional abuse OP, head fuckery of the first degree.

I could have written this (appart from the harassment- hoe bloody awful) I'll be back later when I'm not at work x