Do you know anyone that is in an open relationship?

[FilthyBiscuit]

I don't. But I often read on here OPs being asked if they have an open relationship or should consider having one if they think their DH is having an affair.
It's not really a thing is it? Or am I just being naive?

I know a couple, and through them a couple of others. It is, definitely, a ‘thing’. Whether it works for everyone is an entirely different matter.

(Incidentally, I don’t think they are necessarily the answer to an affair - particularly if the person who I saw being cheated on isn’t just doing it to try and keep the relationship rather than actually being interested in an open one. It will end in tears of jealousy and pain)

It does seem like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted if the other partner is having an affair. Do you know anything about how they got to this stage Cursed? I can't imagine having the conversation with my DP!

Yes. Actually they were but have now split up

No. But how open are people about their open relationship? Obviously you have to tell some people (or you’ll never get any “dates”) but do you tell everyone? Or just a selected few? Or just those you fancy?

Maybe everyone is in open relationships - they just don’t fancy me!

I knew one girl in an open relationship when we were at university but that was a decade ago so don't know if she's still in it.

I don't but I did watch the Stacey Dooley thing the other night where she stayed with a couple in an open relationship. It was quite interesting.

I knew someone who was (they weren't married but were living together). Not sure if it came about off the back of cheating, although I don't get the impression it did. I do think it was probably more his idea though and it consisted mainly of snogging/shagging random people at raves or clubs. I found it very odd and seedy. The whole thing blew up in her face when he went with her very close friend and she felt utterly betrayed (understandably).

She hasn't been in an open relationship since (that I know of), which had very much left me with the impression that its something that a cheating-inclined person puts forward and their less confident partner agrees in the desperate hope that it'll mean he/she then won't ever leave them.

Yes, I know a polyamorous thruple. One very tall skinny man and two very roly poly ladies. They were very wholesome, lots of potlucks and homeschooling and crafts and so forth.

They’re all over the place, OP. But I have to say, there are very few that I think are genuinely happy and not trying to fix something that broke a long time previously...

there are very few that I think are genuinely happy and not trying to fix something that broke a long time previously
I think this is a very interesting point. I kind of wondered if people went into open relationships at the outset rather than because there was something missing later down the line. That's sad.

Yes.

General rules for a successful open relationship are that it is enhancing the relationship, not replacing something in it.
No existing friends etc and no bonds are formed. Discretion is usually pivotal too.

I know a few open couples, all very long term and happy. Mostly came about as group sex or swinging taken to another step, no cheating.

We are, have been married 45 years. Works for us.

I have known a few.

The ones who tried it because their marriage was failing in an attempt to stay together, never worked out. The relationships were over, they just didnt want to admit it.

The ones I know that have worked are the ones that have been open from the start, or become open because that's what they both want, not as trying to glue the relationship back together.

Also honesty is a huge, must have, from what I can see. And also not spending all joint time together texting and calling someone else. Making sure that when the couple are together, they are together.

I know one woman whose partners lived next door and she went between the 2. It ended in tears as she was telling one she wanted to leave the other for him but couldnt hurt the other one. Then telling the other, that her other partner was pressuring her to leave him. The truth was she wanted them both to be jealous of the other and wanted the drama. She wasnt happy when it was all chugging along happily. She also made sure the entire village knew what was going on, because she loved the scandal.

It can work very well. But it really depends in circumstances and the people involved.

Yes, me
Although it's not an 'open relationship' because we started it on the basis that it wasn't monogamous. He was already seeing someone and I started seeing someone about 6 months in so we now both have two relationships.
Prior to us meeting he tried opening up his marriage when it was failing and obviously that didn't work. But going in to dating/relationships with the premise that you aren't monogamous is a completely different proposition. It works really well for me/us.

I'm in one. We're both pretty happy, though she's been with a few other people and I've not. For her, it's about being able to assuage curiosity that night otherwise become a crush; for me, it's the freedom of guilt free fantasy and the knowledge that I never have to miss an opportunity that may arise. Neither of us are actively looking for additional partners, but the sense of mutually supportive liberation feels amazing.

It’s certainly a thing. I’ve known quite a few people who are in open relationships.
It’s all about openness and communication. Look up polyamory op.

Yes, I know two couples. They both seem happy. They meet others for sex. I agree about the honestly seeming paramount, hard conversation must take place.

A friend admitted to me that they are into the swinging thing but the deal is that they don't have ongoing relationships. I know several women who turn a blind eye which isn't the same but seems to work for them for now

Yes, it's a thing. It can work for some people.

People always point out the failures, but let's face it, monogamous relationships fall apart all the time as well. It can start out from healthier places than others, tho - if you open up after cheating etc, it's starting from a place of disrespect and pain and possibly hanging on at all costs.

@FilthyBiscuit - they went into it as open from meeting, and it has evolved from there. It’s taken slightly different forms over the years, but both of them consider themselves non-monogamous by nature and are not interested in monogamy. I’d say she’s more actually poly than he is. For him, it’s a compromise because he found monogamy too difficult. But they generally communicate well, and I think that’s is the real key. You have to be prepared to be open and honest, and to have rules abs boundaries just as much as any relationship. More so, perhaps.

Just to add again, I think the suggestion of an open relationship after cheating comes from the suggestion that the cheater might be non-monogamous. I think it entirely depends on the reason for the infidelity, and non-monogamy isn’t always they caused. Further, even if it is, it doesn’t mean they should stay in a NMR with someone who quite clearly wants to be monogamous.

Does the 'open' part of an open marriage ever mean anything but sex?

I've often wondered, do the various partners meet up to go out for a meal, watch TV, just chat, when sex is obviously off the table? More like a relationship? Or is one partner the 'regular, every day' partner, and the others are literally just for the sex?

It's hard enough finding one man interested in me, so I don't think an open relationship will ever be on the cards for me, but I'm interested in the relationship dynamics.

Yep, I am in one right now! I am very happily married to my husband of six years (my best friend, soulmate, and father of dc) and have an ongoing ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with another woman. Everyone is quite happy with this arrangement and it works for us.
I think often what people call an ‘open relationship’ is actually a case of one both partners wanting to leave/cheat/compensate for unhappiness but being unwilling to admit that to themselves or their partner. Open relationships require absolute trust, honesty, respect and consideration from everyone involved. At their best they are beautifully honest, fulfilling and liberating. At their worst, they are manipulative, upsetting and dishonest. They have the potential to be respectful and fun and happy or miserable and deceitful - just like monogamous relationships, really!

I've often wondered, do the various partners meet up to go out for a meal, watch TV, just chat, when sex is obviously off the table? More like a relationship? Or is one partner the 'regular, every day' partner, and the others are literally just for the sex?

That depends on the nature of the relationship - polyamorous people tend to have more than one ‘partner’ in the committed, ‘in love’ relationship sense while people like me in an open marriage tend to have a primary partner (I.e. my husband) and then other secondary relationships which met be more sexual, more emotional, or both (depending on the boundaries set) but are satellites to the main relationship. My relationship with my husband is based on the understanding that our relationship is paramount and that we have a unique emotional bond with one another.
Everyone does it differently, but that’s what works for us.