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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Surviving the ‘limbo’ period

25 replies

Minionmomma · 16/09/2019 22:27

Husband and I still living together. He’s been treating me like shit for a long time and I’ve tolerated it. I called time a few weeks ago because he’s just so unreasonable and selfish and my self respect was on the floor. Leading up to this he’s been behaving oddly - working loads, exercising loads, new hair cut, new skin care regime (he’s never had one in the decades I’ve known him), no care or consideration towards me. Still being a good dad though. I’ve been suspicious but I genuinely don’t think he has time for a full blown affair. If anything was going on it’d be an emotional affair with a colleague. He would NEVER admit it though. He lost one of his is parents at the beginning of the year after a long illness so I think he’s grieving and, in part, the excessive exercise and work is a response to this loss and the grief. But my goodness you’d never know he was grieving from the outside looking in. When I called time on our marriage he was pretty much immediately agreeable; His mood has appeared completely normal, or actually a little elated. He’s had a bounce in his step for a while. Meanwhile I’m falling apart. Mood all over the place but mostly really sad. How the fk do I survive this - living together but apart? At the moment he refuses to discuss ANYTHING until we see our marriage counsellor which is weeks away. He’s literally dropped me out of his life and he doesn’t seem phased. Any tips would really be appreciated.

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 16/09/2019 22:32

Chumplady.com (unless you are very sensitive to rough language)

Minionmomma · 16/09/2019 22:48

No I can totally handle colourful language. Thank you :)

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Minionmomma · 17/09/2019 07:07

Bump

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MikeUniformMike · 18/09/2019 14:45

Bump

litterbird · 18/09/2019 14:53

I read your post, my ex from 4 years ago did all of those things you list, he then went and bought a £50,000 Jaguar. He worked long hours then left one day for the young girl he met in the new gym he joined six weeks prior. Just be mindful, it could be his head has been turned by someone, a full blown affair (they will always find a way) or he is just going through a mental crisis due to re evaluating his life after a death of a parent. In that case he will revert back to his old self after a while.

Minionmomma · 18/09/2019 14:57

I do think there’s a bit of both going on - grief but also his ego ever since he got his new position. He’s surrounded by high flyers and it literally feels like he’s dropped me out because i’m No longer relevant his arrogance and attitude is ugh! I would 100% be there for him if over the years he hadn’t taken me for granted, put me down and made it all about him. But he has.

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litterbird · 18/09/2019 16:01

It sounds like he checked out a while ago. Some relationships just run their course and it maybe the case here. I know how bloomin' weird and awkward it is living in a separated experience with the ex. Something I do not wish to repeat and never have since then. I can just say to you, its going to take a lot of processing as not only have you put up with his behaviour to you this in turn has allowed him to lower your sense of self and esteem. You can get those back I promise you. The relationship is over and its time to grieve this. Its horrible but you have to go through this. Try and ignore how your husband is handling this, what you see on the outside might be just his coping method for another loss. Take care and get individual counselling I can't recommend it enough.

ravenmum · 18/09/2019 16:21

My exh did the same thing, after his mum died. Gym, clothes, perfumes, out all hours "working". At first I also suspected an emotional affair. Turned out he'd started a full-blown affair with a work colleague a few weeks after the funeral. They went on holiday together etc. Watch out for any name-dropping, mentions of "someone at work" who's done something really cool.

Have you got any friends to support you? I started doing a couple of clubs around that time, and the one thing which was somewhat helpful was being with other people who were single/divorced in middle age.

Minionmomma · 18/09/2019 16:40

It’s possible that something has been going on for a while. He’s always taken me fir granted but his attitude to me of recent has been so hurtful, like I irritate him. He almost sneers at me at times. Horrible. I’ve reached out to a few friends who are 2-5years down the line, so much happier single and have good relationships with their exes. I know ending it is the right thing.

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MMmomDD · 18/09/2019 21:30

Op - if I were you - i’d take control back.
If you are heading for divorce - why do you need to see a marriage counsellor?
Go and find yourself a solicitor and start the process. Don’t let him dictate the pace.

MMmomDD · 18/09/2019 22:44

Also, forgot to say. The way your H is behaving seem to me that he is in fact happy you made the move and he doesn’t have to be the ‘bad guy’.
He definitely checked out; and most likely has met someone he is with already or wants to be.
Men very very very rarely leave a relationship without having something lined up.

Minionmomma · 18/09/2019 23:46

@MMmomDD I agree with you re him having checked out and that me ending it conveniently makes me the bad guy 😏. Be interesting to see what he has to say in counselling.

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stucknoue · 18/09/2019 23:56

It's 6 months in for me, mostly it's ok, we do our own thing but he's bought nicer clothes and different style underwear that did make me think however he's simply not out enough to be having an affair. Meanwhile I'm trying to show no outward signs that I'm tentatively seeing someone, luckily I always have evening meetings and weekend events.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2019 00:00

Agree that you don’t have to wait for the counselling - just because he says so?! So start proceedings now. Give him a kick up the arse.

Sounds like you’re well rid.

Sally2791 · 19/09/2019 06:33

I lived like this for a long time. Still not sure if a gradual becoming strangers was better or worse than doing it quickly. Just try to keep your sanity , think about planning your future and let go of the past

Minionmomma · 19/09/2019 08:46

Thank you all. I’m just struggling. Another delivery yesterday of more skincare yesterday. Who is this guy? He’s saying he’s refusing to discuss anything about anything relating to ‘us’ until we’ve spoken to our counsellor to get advice re how we support our children. He said the welfare of our children is paramount. He’s being perfectly polite to me but as soon as the kids are in bed he exercises, eats, goes upstairs closes the door and cuts me off. He was doing this before I called time. But his mood seems fantastic. I’m so hurt.

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hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2019 08:53

I think deep down you know he has someone else.
All the signs are there.
Have you had some legal advice?
Call around some family solicitors in your area and see if any offer a free half hour.
You need take back control.
This is not all up to him.
Get your paperwork sorted out.
Mortgage info.
Savings info.
Pension, his wages, any bonuses, any assets, etc......
Start working out how you would live.
Would you want to stay in the house while he moves out?
Would you rather sell up and start afresh in your own home?
If it's the latter, then get a couple of estate agents round to get valuations done.
Start the ball rolling.
Stop being dictated to by this cheat.
Take the bull by the horns and get your life back on track.

ravenmum · 19/09/2019 09:35

He said the welfare of our children is paramount.
Ah yes, the implication that you are just thinking about yourself, whereas this superior being is concerned with higher things.
Yup. His halo clearly needs a lot of polishing at the moment.

Minionmomma · 19/09/2019 09:48

@hellsbellsmelons thank you. I have sought legal advice (a free service through work) which helped me understand the legal starting point. I have reached out to friends who have separated and one has recommended a particular solicitor who is also a mediator. My plan is to attend the counselling session and then proceed with the legal stuff. @ravenmum exactly! I think he’s been quite manipulative looking back. Treating me like shit then I call time and I can get my bottom dollar in counselling he’ll be saying ‘this was your decision not mine’. Coward.

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ravenmum · 19/09/2019 10:05

When I told my ex his behaviour was suspicious he would say "You KNOW why I'm behaving differently to usual"; because of his mum's death. As if I was cold and nasty and dismissing her death. I also had the stuff about him wanting what was best for the children (and thus not moving out).

The psychology is that deep down, they know they are treating you badly. But they see themselves as a nice person. Why would a nice person treat their partner badly? Because that partner is a really horrible, cold, nasty git, of course. Their subconscious latches on to anything negative about their partner they can come up with, to explain their own poor behaviour. This is the effect of cognitive dissonance.

At the same time, if they make you feel bad about yourself, that means you are so busy defending yourself or wondering if it is your fault that you don't have time to think clearly about the blatant signs of their affair.

Minionmomma · 19/09/2019 10:56

@ravenmum I take in your case he was having an affair? I’m so sorry. How did things materialise for you? Did you separate? How did your children cope? Xx

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ravenmum · 19/09/2019 11:32

Yes; like you I'd assumed it would "only" be something emotional, but it got so bad that I'd said we would have to separate. When he wouldn't even agree to me leaving (think of the children!) and was taking months to find a place himself, I read his emails and they'd been at it like rabbits from the start. At which point everything fell together and I realised how obvious he'd been making it.

We're divorced now and things are much better.

Minionmomma · 19/09/2019 11:49

@ravenmum ouch, that must’ve been so painful for you. The betrayal. On so many levels. Please tell me he regretted it!!

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ravenmum · 19/09/2019 11:58

Not sure really. She cheated on him after 4 years, so he got a taste of his own medicine, but I think he's enjoying being single. He likes being admired and flirting, and you get more of that as a single man :)
At first it hurt, and it is taking ages to process my imagined future being taken away, but tbh he wasn't ever an attentive or considerate husband. He's done me a favour really.

Minionmomma · 19/09/2019 13:05

@ravenmum I think my situation is quite similar to yours. I hope your life is much happier after all that pain. Xx

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