I need advice or probably just to be told to get over myself! I moved for work six months ago and about a month after I met someone who I dated for 4 months until he ended it about a month ago. Right before he ended it we were spending a lot of time together, I’d met some of his friends and he’d asked me to meet his parents but the timing didn’t work out. He talked about specific things we would do in the future together etc. Then I went away on a trip and when I came back he ended it, saying he realised I was missing some of the criteria he’d told himself to look for, in particular our lifestyles were too different. I accepted that he’d ended it even though I was really upset. He kept texting me afterwards though, one day sending me 12 messages one after the other keeping me up to date with what he was up to. The last message was “xxx”. I didn’t respond (I’d already sent emotional texts immediately afterwards and then finally one saying I accepted it and learned from it etc and he also kept repeating I wasn’t right for him so I knew there was no hope) and the next night he sent me a photo with a message saying the thing in the photo made him think of me. I sent him a thumbs up emoji the next day. He kept liking my posts on Facebook and Instagram. To be honest, I was posting to show him I wasn't at home crying because he’d said I wasn’t sociable (really not true) and he needed someone sociable. I unfriended him to save myself seeing his name.
He’d mentioned after about 2 months that our lifestyles were different and it made him sad that it might mean it wouldn’t work out. I told him that if he thought it wouldn’t work I'd prefer to end it while I wasn’t too attached. I felt really down after he said it but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it because he said he was just being honest and didn’t want it to end. He actually intensified things after that, asking to see me three or four times a week, introducing me to friends, planning things for the future, getting me a special pillow for staying over etc so I really didn’t see the end coming.
A few weeks ago he asked me to meet for coffee and I said it was too soon and now he’s asked me again. I don’t know what to do because I’m really upset still (which I know is ridiculous – it’s been a month) and I’ve had time to think about it and part of me thinks he was just faking it all along. I was in an abusive relationship for a long time and I’ve spent the last four years working on myself and I’m not sure if I was about to make the same mistake again or he’s a nice guy who got fed up.
Some red flags at the beginning were on a couple of our first dates he picked up his phone while we were having dinner and answered calls, having a one or two minute conversation. He didn’t apologise before or after. He didn't even acknowledge it. I told myself it was okay because he was moving house.
I have a skin issue on my arms that no one I’ve been with has ever mentioned and he brought it up on the 2nd date, asking me what was wrong with them and telling me normally it would bother him but because he liked me he didn’t mind. He brought it up again twice, once asking me if I could fix it and the second time if he could catch it. I was embarrassed but he seemed like a child asking an inappropriate question rather than making fun of me.
The last time we went out before he ended it, we were meeting some of his friends and he start nitpicking my skin and my makeup (I think my foundation wasn’t rubbed in properly) but he wouldn’t tell me exactly what was wrong and he wouldn’t reassure me before we left the house. He did the same thing when we were at the bar - this time my eyeliner. I got a bit annoyed with him, in a jokey way, and he said he was just really picky. Afterwards I blamed myself thinking maybe I over-reacted and that’s why he ended it. I find it very hard to stand up for myself.
The other major thing for me is that he told me he takes pills occasionally but it was starting to seem more frequent. He has a good job but loves to party. I sound so stupid but he kept blowing his nose in a way that seemed painful. I thought he had allergies but then he said it’s because he used to take cocaine. But now I think maybe he still does. His dad is an alcoholic and he told me his mother is really critical so I suppose I felt sorry for him. He talked a lot about his “issues”. He was also always complaining about his ex, saying she was too needy and didn’t like him going to things with other girls – they lived together and broke up four years ago and I got the impression he was staying out all night. He told me he cheated on her at the end. He was also obsessed with his sister's bad relationship. Whenever he'd start talking about his sister I couldn't get a word in - she was with some guy who was married when they met.
One night he drove us to an event 40 minutes from his house and while we were there he had a few drinks. It turned out he’d had some drinks before I got to his house too. He got drunk and I had to get him food and coffee and we waited a few hours but I was terrified driving home with him and I could tell he was put out that I was scared. I don’t drive so it had never occurred to me to wonder about the limit. I just assumed, naively, that people like him wouldn’t drink and drive and I’d never seen him drunk before. We were supposed to go to another event the week after he ended it and I had asked about how we would get there and back and had suggested a hotel. I think he thought I was a downer on the party.
Before this gets anymore longwinded, I just really need some perspective. Should I meet him for coffee? Have I dodged a bullet? He was really lovely and affectionate besides the times when he did or said things that made me feel off. My ex was violent and cruel. Was I just desperate and ignoring red flags? Was he just looking for a therapist while waiting for someone he actually liked to turn up?
Thanks to anyone who actually read this rambling!!!