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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I done the right thing?

31 replies

UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 21:32

I've had 5 dates with a guy I really like, I've have known him for a few years. I saw him on Friday night and things went really well Blush He was all over me, gave me a lovely kiss goodnight etc. I drove home and popped him a text when I got in saying that I had an easy drive home (it's about 50 miles) & that I was in bed, shame he wasn't with me. Sent a text late afternoon Saturday thanking him for a lovely night. No response.
Nothing on Sunday.
Today I thought sod this, as much as I like him a hell of a lot I really don't need someone fucking with my head by blowing hot and cold. So I messaged him basically saying that I had a lovely time on Friday, really like him but if he's going to effectively ghost me for a few days after each date then I'm out. I finally got a response which said 'sorry, I've been busy with work' & that's it, nothing else. I sent one final message saying that I understand about work (he does work weekends so it's possibly genuine) but it only takes seconds to send one message just to say hi and let someone know that you are thinking about them. No response back.
I really really like him. When we are together everything is fab and he's the one bringing up wanting to see me again etc. He's not British, English is his second language but he is fluent. Part of me thinks perhaps he is just less good at communicating in writing than verbally with a slight language barrier. Then part of me thinks that maybe he's just not that into me but at the same time I feel quite gutted at the thought of cutting contact and walking away. Have I done the right thing? I've left the ball in his court for a response now to give him a final opportunity to sort out what should be a relatively easy issue IMO. Currently feeling far more upset than I should be from dating someone 5 times. Dating after separation sucks.

OP posts:
Stiltons · 16/09/2019 21:36

Hes not into you. Well done on telling him straight that you weren't up for being ghosted but if he really cared he would have sent a sincere apology and then made an effort to win you over again. You are worth more than this man. Hes not cutting contact entirely as he wants to keep you as a back up so you need to be the one to do that.

category12 · 16/09/2019 21:37

Honestly I'd just block him. You're chasing him and it's too much like hard work.

ISmellBabies · 16/09/2019 21:40

Yep, block and move on. You've only just started dating and he expects you to hang on for crumbs already? Nah, fuck off.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/09/2019 21:40

You did the right thing OP, and you were not imagining it, he was ghosting you after each date, fuck that Flowers

Original poster
UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 21:42

Thanks both. I know his situation is complicated for various reasons at the moment but honestly, how long does it take to send someone one or two messages a day just to say hi so that they know you are thinking about them? Especially when last time you saw each other you were all over each other and he seemed so keen to organise another date. I'm not being needy or unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 16/09/2019 21:47

OP - you’ve only dated a few times and you say you like him.
Why behave this full on and needy from the start?
He didn’t ghost you. He works on weekend. And you don’t know him enough yet to see if constant texting/communication is his style at all.
It clearly is your preferred way, but not everybody is like you.
So - if I were you - i’d not be lecturing someone you just started dating on his texting frequency.
Or demanding that he thought of you when you text him.
He may be the type to disconnect from the world when he is busy working.

If you were to give this a chance to develop - you need to understand that people are all different. And your preferences are as important as his. And that culture differences may be taken into account.
Good luck

Chitarra · 16/09/2019 21:56

I think my answer depends on what his text communication was like previously (after the other four dates). If he's always a bit like this, he may be someone who isn't glued to his phone and isn't really into texting, in which case it would be a shame to hold that against him. But if he was different before, then yes I'd be wondering why he can't make a bit more effort and questioning whether he's intolerant you.

category12 · 16/09/2019 21:56

Oh nonsense, MMmomDD - it's been three days. A considerate bloke would have asked if she got home alright first or acknowledged her text, not been silent, especially a flirty one like that.

Chitarra · 16/09/2019 21:58

*into not intolerant

Original poster
UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 22:11

When he wants to organise seeing me, he's been very active messaging me. Each time I have seen him he goes a bit quiet for a couple of days afterwards. It's 9 months since he split up from his wife so relatively early days, as it is for me as well. I've left the door open if he wants to get in touch but said that it's not working for me when he suddenly stops contact for a few days after we've had a lovely night together. It's all a bit odd. I'm finding dating so hard now but I really want to move on with my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 22:22

Oh ffs! He's just messaged me profusely apologising. What do I do? Give him another chance or walk away?

OP posts:
Unburnished · 16/09/2019 22:51

I wouldnt OP.

I know its hard and you like him but at this stage he should be extremely keen all the time not just arranging to get his hands on you.

The fact that he goes quiet after he’s seen you smacks of having had his fix and ‘out of sight out of mind.’

Have you had the exclusive chat? Met his friends/family? Been to his place? Does he pkan dates or do you just stay in.?

AMAM8916 · 16/09/2019 23:02

There's a term 'working for the date'. It's basically when people (mostly men) will pull out all the stops to get the date (hoping for action) then sit back and do fuck all in between.

Any woman that is ok with this isn't a strong women that has her own life and isn't needy, these women are push overs. Always, always, always lay out how you wish to be treated from the very start. The ones that are worth it and into you will take it and learn, the ones that aren't will do a runner. Any man that doesn't want to make the woman feel wanted, are really not worth it. 3 days of nothing is crap! Why are we all going around faking it as to not come across needy and lowering our expectations to not seem 'needy'? Who gives a shit.

Well done OP. You are a strong woman that expresses how you wish to be treated and this guy has taken that on board and apologised. He didn't have to, he could have backed off. He hasn't, give him another go but do speak up if things aren't comfortable you and if he simply isn't a big texter, then you aren't suited because you are!

Original poster
UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 23:06

I've been to his place many times including before we were dating because I've known him through work connections for a few years. His cottage is actually attached to his work on a farm. I have been seen recently by his work colleagues when I have been there and he's kissed me in front of them. His family all live overseas. I mentioned the exclusivity chat last time I saw him. His response was that he's not seeing anyone else, he'd like to see what happens between us as he could potentially see us ending up together.
I'm in two minds. If he was a random from OLD I'd run. But I've known him very well for three years and knew him but not quite so much direct contact for two years before that. I'd like to think he's genuine but having been gaslight by my STBXH for 12 years I don't know what to think or believe anymore.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/09/2019 23:13

He might like it like that. You're a decent booty call. You travel to him each time? He doesn't have to message you in the mean time because he knows a few messages later you'll go back for more. It doesn't matter that you've known him for years. You didnt know what he was like in this way before.

Original poster
UnicornsExist · 16/09/2019 23:21

Tbf he does offer to come to me. I'm reluctant for that to happen because I have DC at home and he certainly isn't going to be introduced to them for a long long time yet. He has also met me half way as well for a drink.

OP posts:
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 17/09/2019 00:12

Nope. Too hard. If it feels too much like hard work, it is. Move on. You deserve better.

StudentHelp · 17/09/2019 00:24

I’d be inclined to give him one more chance but mean it

category12 · 17/09/2019 06:46

I'd probably give him one more chance, but if he does the exact same thing next time, that'd be it.

Downunderduchess · 17/09/2019 06:51

He will see you on his schedule, he doesn't care about your expectations/needs/concerns. Up to you what you are willing to put up with.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 17/09/2019 06:56

I would give him another chance, I’m like him, not attached to my phone day & night, sometimes if I’m busy I may not check my phone for hours then when I do not all messages require an immediate response, life is too busy to spend it texting to & fro. That alone would be an attraction, I bet when he’s with you, he’s with you and not one eye on his bloody phone. Give him a chance.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/09/2019 06:58

I would give him another chance. I have never gaslighted anyone but, after a "thank you for a lovely evening" text, I admit that mind mind probably switches to work, DD, friends, what I'm doing that day. Even DD has texted me "where are you?" in recent weeks, and she's 21 and lives with me. I agree that it only takes seconds to text but I never (for example) touch my phone during the working day.

Original poster
UnicornsExist · 17/09/2019 07:44

To be fair to him, I know he's got a hell of a lot on his plate at the moment. His wife took their kids back to their home country when they split up 9 months ago. Because of the distance and his wife being difficult he's only had facetime contact with them since. He is however going over there for a week next month as he is getting the ball rolling with his divorce but he will also have the kids for the week. She moved straight onto a new relationship and he was upset when I last saw him because his ex wife had taken the kids on holiday with her new man and she was allowing him to do inappropriate things like them all sleeping in the same room together. It also sounds like the new man is being allowed to do things like supervise the 5 year old daughter in the bath. I'm actually feeling a bit of a bitch now putting pressure on when he's got important stuff with his kids to sort out Confused

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 17/09/2019 07:54

This early in it should be fun and exciting.

I wouldn't want to be with someone I have to remind that I existed

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 07:57

A lot on a plate shouldn't make you rude....