How did you know it was time to stop trying?

[Adviceneededplease19]

Feeling very sad tonight.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 & 19 so 15 years this year. We have 2 children, a lovely home, he works full time, me part time, a holiday abroad each year and on paper it would look pretty good.

And yet at the moment we are living like flat mates. Flat mates that have to share a bed as there are no other places to sleep.

Most days there are snippy words or digs at each other. Not much gratitude, respect or affection between us.

Other days there are big massive rows to the point the children cry and beg us to stop shouting which I know isn’t healthy for any of us.

Other days are fine. We laugh, we go for dinner, just the usual couple things.

The trouble is this goes on a cycle, a few weeks normal, few weeks ok ish then a bitter, horrible shouty stage.

Neither of us has ever mentioned leaving or splitting up. But it’s got to a stage where the atmosphere is bad.

How do you know where you get to the stage where it’s not worth trying anymore? I can’t imagine how I’d feel if we weren’t together but can’t imagine how I’d feel if we split either. But I know I don’t want these arguments to carry on as it’s not good for anyone. I used to think that because I still cry about the shit times it means it’s still worth fighting over. But now I’m not so sure.

Depends on what you mean by trying.
You don’t mention therapy or how much you’ve talked about it. If you’ve given all that a good shot and you still go in these cycles, I’d call it a day before the children have to put up with it any longer.

We’ve talked and talked and talked on a repeated cycle every few months when this shit happens. Probably since our youngest was a year old, so 4 years now. Things change for a while, then goes downhill again. I’m getting to the point I don’t know how much longer I can tolerate this shit BUT also don’t know how to be without him and don’t know if I want to

agentjohnson not once did I say that was the only reason for not having a trial separation, though if we did have a trial separation and he had a relationship with another woman it would be over anyway. But I can’t afford to be without him either, I am massively financially dependent on him

Your "emotional shortcomings"? You mean trauma? Seeming cold and hard about it despite still being affected is how trauma manifests. You're traumatised. Doesn't matter how many years ago it was. There's no justification to be so harsh on yourself.

Significant trauma whilst a teenager can take a long time to recover from, and that healing process won't necessarily begin until years later. I'd have a serious think about seeing a therapist on your own to start working through your trauma and associated difficulties. Maybe you're finally ready to start that work.

Sole therapy will help you and it will feed back in to how you relate to others. Joint therapy should come after individual therapy.

Everyone feels shit when shit things happen. That's not really a sign those shit things are worth enduring. Just means you are a human with emotions.

It's understandable you'd be afraid to end your first and only intimate relationship. Even more understandable you can't imagine life without him as your husband. But that's just because your brain has no other experiences to draw on to build a picture. Not because your life will end without this relationship.

If that's what happens you will find your way through. It will be difficult for a period and there will be some grief - most changes are difficult, even longed for changes are difficult and require adjustment - but then it will improve and there will be hope and new possibilities. Whereas by the sounds of it staying just means everything stays the same.

I'm not judging you here, just be aware living in a situation like this can result in developmental trauma for children. They will understand the shouting as their fault. They don't have the perspective adults do.

I understand you don't want to feel like you gave up, but this has been going on for years. You have been through so much and fought so hard. I don't think anyone could fairly say you gave up. Almost everything in life is transient, no matter how tightly we try to cling onto it. Recognising it's time to move on isn't giving up, it's a brave and healthy thing to do.

And just because a relationship ends doesn't mean you lose all the good things you shared with that person, the influence they had on your life, and the happy memories you hold. You still get to carry those precious things with you along your new path - they aren't all erased just because the relationship has reached its natural end.

eladen I was so distraught by the trauma as a teenager I wasn’t ever going to have children as I was so sure I’d mess them up.

Your post has helped me immensely. You are right I need to help myself before I can work on my marriage. I need to work on myself first and get me to a place where I like myself. That starts with a GP visit as soon as possible as my lovely friend has suggested a few times I may be depressed and that life may not seem so bad if I was on medication and/or getting help.

My children’s mental health and even my husbands mental health is important and living in this state will not help any of us